|I stole these from somebody's Flicker. Sorry.|
Last Friday I spent the back end of the night at a rustic old bourbon bar downtown with Diplomat and Alex. I love this bar -- not because I like bourbon; I don’t, but if I did, they have some rare and expensive bourbons. I love it because it’s got a long, old-fashioned bar with bartenders who look like ZZ Top in the 60’s, and because it only has one bathroom. Seriously. One bathroom with one toilet. Who builds a bar without a urinal? It’s a dive, but they play blues on the jukebox, and they make me delicious, light pink cosmopolitans, and it's not a place where people judge.
I was halfway through my second cosmo when Alex said, “If I were a genie and could turn you into a man for 24 hours, what would you do?”
Hmmmmm. What would I do? Take a shower and leave a hair on the soap? Go to the store and forget what I was supposed to buy? Leave the seat up on that one toilet in the back of the bar? What would I do if I had only 24 hours to be a man?
Of course, the first thing I had to say was fuck women. After that ….. after that I didn’t get to say what I would do, because Alex and Diplomat took over and told me what I must do so I would know what it was like to be a man. Because, as you'll see from the list below, it's so hard being a man.
That’s a different take on an age-old question though, right? The men telling me what I should do? I ran up to the bar and grabbed a handful of napkins to write on.
1. Fuck women and get a blowjob. I said I’d have to fuck at least two women. Alex said I’d find out it’s not that easy to get a woman to … I said I thought I knew at least two women who would fall on that sword. See? I was thinking like a man already. The blowjob was actually added later, toward the end. I’m still astonished that neither of them thought of that sooner. Maybe men aren’t into blowjobs as much as I thought. I'd still like to get one.
2. Get kicked in the balls. Alex must take full credit for this one. He insisted -- even after I protested mightily -- that I had no choice but to be kicked in the jewels. He said that was the only way I would know the immense pain men can feel, which he compared to childbirth. …... …... ….. I saw Diplomat blanch. He said, no, he’d seen childbirth and nothing compares to that and he wanted to go on record as saying getting kicked in the balls isn’t as bad as having a baby come out of your vagina. Ya think??? There’s a reason why newborns’ heads are measured in centimeters, and that’s because a centimeter is smaller than an inch, and if baby heads were measured in inches no woman would go through with it. Not one. Hurts as much as childbirth, he said. Oh, Alex. I can’t wait until you’re a woman for 24 hours. Diplomat, there's a reason I call you that. You get a free pass. (I don't know who gets the privilege of kicking me in the balls. We didn't decide that.)
3. Write my name in the snow. This one, I said, is just too obvious. Besides I’ve written my name in the snow using someone else’s yellow pen(is). I said I found the penis to be more difficult to write with than one would expect. I suppose it won’t take that long to write my name in the snow, and it’s better than getting kicked in the balls.
4. Make more money. Please. It’s about fucking time.
5. Get in a fart fest with other men. I had no idea men do this. Women don’t. I knew one woman who farted against the grill of her van just to show us it made a lovely ringing sound, but nobody else joined in. And my sister is incorrigible and thinks her vile farts are funny, but again, the rest of us don’t join in. This sounds rather stinky, and if I’m only a man for 24 hours and I do this, won’t I be embarrassed the next day? What’s wrong with men anyway?
6. Lack of rape/walk through the parking lot. Yep, we got serious on this one. Alex suggested it, probably because he thinks about these things. He rarely lets me walk to my van alone at the end of the night. I think he understands better than most men how dangerous his tribe is. I do too, but even though I appreciate him walking with me, I hate to give up my right to walk in a fucking parking lot. So for 24 hours I wouldn’t have to worry about it. For 24 hours, I could be the one to walk someone to her van so she doesn’t get raped.
7. Prostate massage/ rectal wiggle. I can’t believe this came up before blowjob. That’s all I have to say about that. When I am a man, the blowjob will come first.
8. Shave my face. No way, I said. I already have to shave my legs and other parts of my body now. I want to grow a beard. But no. No. I have to shave my face. I thought I might shave a design on my face, but then I wouldn’t get laid. That I know from being a woman.
9. Deal with a hard-on in public. Hee. I hope it’s a big one and everybody stares and women want to touch it.
10. Roll over and go to sleep after sex. I protested this one. Some men like to cuddle a while. Don’t they? I mean, even if they go to sleep while they’re cuddling? Alex said no, if she wants to cuddle I either have to go right to sleep or get up and do something else. I really don’t want to be that man. I’m going to cuddle until I’m ready to go again …. which will be in about 3 minutes. Because I’m not going to waste my 24 hours by falling asleep right after sex. I'm not going to sleep at all.
11. Walk around in public without a shirt. This one is mine. I’m not going to wear a shirt because I will have large smooth pecs and a six-pack stomach and hair on my chest. Someone did bring up that I had a choice now, and I could go without a shirt any time I wanted to. But we had to agree I’d probably get all of us kicked out of the Century if I took off my shirt. No shirt, no shoes, no service.
12. Pee in a crowded urinal. Euwwww. Any women reading this just wrinkle your nose and hold your breath? I still don’t know why I have to do this. I don’t want to. I’d rather stay out in the snow and write my name.
13. Jack off
14. Premature ejaculation. Nope, I said. Not happening to me. Yes, they said, it must, although I believe Diplomat claimed it doesn’t happen to every man, meaning himself. He said it diplomatically though. I said it wasn’t going to happen to me because I was going to jack off. They just want me to be humiliated when I’m a man. At least I’ll still have number 4.
15. Whiskey dick. So, not only do I have to pop off too soon, I also don’t get to do it at all with some unfortunate woman. I don’t think this one is at all fair. I only have 24 hours with my large penis. It should get to have the most fun possible in 24 hours. I’m going to start stocking up on Viagra. (Don’t tell them or they’ll steal it.)
17. Sing falsetto. I’m not sure why I have to sing falsetto when I can soar as a woman with my trippingly light coloratura soprano voice, but this one is on the list. Alex and I sing “Under Pressure” together at karaoke sometimes. I think he wants me to really sound like Freddie Mercury. I don't think he wants me to be gay though, because that would totally ruin number 1 for me.
18. Shave my head. Oh, Alex. Just because he shaves his head, I have to shave mine. But that’s OK. I like shaved heads. And the women I pleasure will love rubbing their hands on my shiny, smooth yet scabby, head. And if they want to run their fingers through my hair …..
19. Have a hairy chest. Yes! I want a hairy chest. I love running my fingers through a hairy chest. I will have a lovely hairy chest, and I will walk around without a shirt in public with my hairy chest and my six-pack abs and my round, hard biceps. I will gladly return the hairy chest once I am a woman again though.
20. Have a woman make me a sandwich during the game. I’m OK with this one. I’m not sure what game I’ll be watching, but maybe Hunger Games will be on Netflix by the time I’m a man.
21. Go to the bathroom by myself. This is not to be confused with number 12. Women may not go to the bathroom by ourselves, but we do pee alone. Just to be clear. I’ve always said the difference between raising a son and raising a daughter was that my son was in the bathroom for hours every day by himself and my daughter was in the bathroom for hours every day with her friends. It will take courage, but I think I can go to the bathroom by myself. From what I can deduce, the drama happens around the urinal.
22. Scratch and/or play with my balls. I probably couldn’t resist this one even if they hadn’t put it on the list. I mean, having all that …. those appendages hanging out there on the front, I’d have to play with all of it. Evidently balls get itchy though, because Diplomat and Alex agreed this one will feel especially good. So I will have to scratch them, tenderly? Vigorously? I don’t know. I’ll have to wait and find out. Surreptitiously for sure.
23. Not give a shit. Ta da! Now I will really be a man! Notice on the napkin this one is not written by my hand. I was practicing not giving a shit, so Alex had to write it. I can’t imagine 24 hours of not giving a shit. I’m serious. I would love that.
Also 10/23 of these have to do with the penis and/or balls and/or something that would affect them. I am not surprised. And 5 are things traditionally done in bathrooms. I am not surprised.
We also started a list for what they’d have to do if they could be women for 24 hours, but they wouldn’t let me be in control. Then the bar closed and ZZ Top kicked us out, so we didn’t finish it even though it's already longer than mine. Being a woman is complicated. I think that list may need to be revisited when I’ve got female reinforcements.
Or maybe I’ll post what we got so far here in a day or two and the women who read here can add to it. What do you think?
Men, anything you would add to this list?
PS, this is my final NaBloPoMo post for May (which is over).
PS, this is my final NaBloPoMo post for May (which is over).