Thursday, April 30, 2015

Light the Beltane Fires

Tomorrow, for those of us who celebrate the Earth traditions, is Beltane. May Day we called it when I was growing up in a small town in Iowa. We celebrated all the Pagan traditions. We danced the maypole at school every year. And then after school, we ran home and made May baskets, usually little paper candy cups or construction paper cones with pipe cleaner handles, that we filled with small candy, popcorn, and dandelions or violets we picked out of the yard. Then Mom would drive us with our little baskets all over town to hang on our friends' doors. We'd run up to the door as quietly as possible, hang the May basket on the door handle or knob, knock on the door and then run as fast as we could back to the car. If we were caught, our friend got to, or had to, give us a kiss. When we weren't out delivering, we waited by the door for someone to show us some love by bringing a basket to our door.

When Drake was finally old enough for May baskets, we were living in New Hampshire, just north of Boston. I couldn't wait to take him out to hang May baskets. I was so disappointed to learn that our friends had no idea what the hell we were doing when we ran up, rang the doorbell and then ran away. So much for tradition.

Beltane isn't just about kids dancing the maypole and hanging baskets on their friends' door knobs though. It's a holiday that celebrates passion, fire, sex. A time of putting out the household fires and then rekindling them from the Beltane flames. For me, it's the beginning of summer, even though technically that doesn't happen until summer solstice.

This year, I'm thinking about things I need to let burn away, and new passions I need to rekindle. Or kindle, as the case may be. I've been feeling stuck for quite a long time now. Even through the process of buying a house, moving, starting a new job ..... something feels stuck.

I'm not unhappy, mind you. I just don't feel passionate about anything, and I want to. I need to.

So I'm thinking about the things I need to let burn out, the things I need to extinguish, and I've come up with two I absolutely need to let go of now.

One is Facebook. I  know I've threatened it before, but this past week has been torturous. I don't even want to say why, because I don't want to have that conversation. I'll just say that sometimes being on Facebook makes me dislike people I really don't want to dislike. Facebook allows people to show a side of themselves that isn't necessarily true. It allows people to present an inauthentic self to the Facebook public, and this week that aspect got to be too much for me.

Also, the personal updates are so rare these days, I waste hours every day scrolling through, and then stopping to read a whole bunch of articles I don't need to waste my time on. It's interesting, yes. But all that shit doesn't leave space, man. I have no space left in my head or in my day. Facebook is the Pacman of social media. It gobbles and gobbles and gobbles.

And for an extrovert like me, it's like vodka to an alcoholic. I'm never alone and I crave that connection.

So I'm going to read my messages, which are really like emails these days, and anything I'm tagged on, and I'll respond to invitations, but I'm not reading my feed for a while. Big fucking deal, you might say, if you aren't as hooked as I am.

If you knew how much time I spend, you'd know it is a big fucking deal. As soon as I decided to quit it, I wanted to post something on Facebook and start a conversation.

That's one thing. The other thing is my March failure: sugar. A reader posted on my blog Facebook page that I didn't really fail when I lost the battle on day 15. I went 2 weeks, which isn't like giving in after a day. So maybe I need to set my goal a little lower, and shoot for another 2 weeks. So that's what I'm going to do. Two weeks with no (or little) sugar. I don't think anybody will be hanging May baskets on my door, so I should be OK.

Now that I've decided which fires I'm going to let go out for a while, I need to kindle or rekindle something. And I have no idea what that is. So tomorrow I'll do a ritual and see if I get any clarification. In the past year I've been teased by some possibilities -- music, writing, work -- but I'm still stuck. In every case, the right people weren't in place to make something happen.

You might wonder, given this is the sexy Beltane I'm talking about, whether a new relationship is something I'll look for. And the answer is no. I won't be looking for an intimate relationship. I have a couple of friendship slots that could be filled -- anybody want to be my bestie? -- but I'm not going for the impossible. I need to stoke passions that are real, healthy, and fulfilling.

I'll probably still talk about dating though, because I'll still talk about sex. I can't help that.

So, bring on the Beltane fires. I'm ready. Ready to smother the addictions dressed as passion and light a fire under something new and exciting.  Let the orgy flames begin!

Note: While it may seem like I failed at blogging every day, the past few days I've been focusing on my classroom blog. I've even surpassed my once-a-day goal there this week. I don't think it's anything that would interest any of you, but I have blogged every day this month like I intended to. Thanks for reading!

Friday, April 24, 2015

Starting my birthday list: follow along

Just so you know, my birthday is July 19. And, yes, that makes me a Cancer with a side of Leo. If that matters to you. I was all set to write about masturbation tonight, but since my birthday is less than 3 months away, I thought you'd appreciate my starting a birthday wish list for you, so you can get me something really cool for my birthday. I'm going to have a big party this year, and even though the invitation will say "No gifts," we all know that's bullshit. 

To be honest, I don't wear flip flops (or thongs, as we called them when I was a kid) because they give me blisters between my toes, nor do I spend much time on the beach (find me a redhead who does and I'll show you a cancer .... skin cancer). Still, I would love a pair of these flip flops, which I would maybe frame and hang on my dining room wall. Or maybe I'll just spray them with paint and walk down the sidewalk toward my house, although come to think of it, the person who's most likely to be following me would be some ancient, 35-year-old alcoholic pushing a shopping cart full of stolen scrap metal. Hmmmm. 

I still want them! So do you, right?

Apparently you can create flip flops with anything on the bottom of them. What would you want your flip flops to say?

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Dick will make you slap somebody in the face

I didn't say that. Alexyss K. Taylor says it in the video below, which is one of the funniest I've ever watched. I chose a short (2:43) excerpt from a longer one titled "Penis Power." She has many others, and they are addictive. Once you start watching her, it's hard to stop because she's so unpredictable. If you're interested in her, here's her Vagina Power website.

That's her mother, btw, on the show with her. The woman with the priceless expressions, which were apparently the real thing. I could probably make my mom look like that.

(The title of this video on Youtube says Tylor is a preacher. She's not, damn it, because that would be even funnier. Check out her Wikipedia page for her credentials.)

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Public service announcement: Dog farts

I didn't have time to write tonight because I've been researching dog farts. Listen, you can laugh, and you can even commiserate, but you don't know. This dog farts more and stronger than any dog I've ever known. I live in a big house with many rooms. He fills it up. The house. Fills it with farts. There's no escape. We live in a cloying, noxious cloud of dog-butt emissions in every room.

He even wakes me up in the night. I've been sleeping with a floor fan on already, even though it's not at all hot yet, just to keep the air moving in my bedroom, so I don't suffocate in my sleep. I wake up with my eyes spurting tears, gasping for air, swearing. I've ordered a gas mask from Amazon, but I'm afraid even that won't help. My imaginary boyfriend Felix won't even spend the night here any more.

I've tried lighting candles, of course, but they can't keep up, so my house just ends up smelling like lavender dog farts. I finally stopped because I was afraid I'd blow my house up, and I wasn't sure how I'd explain that to the insurance company. Accidental dog fart explosion?

I'm surprised the neighbors haven't complained, but maybe they don't want to get close enough to my house to complain. They've probably ordered gas masks from Amazon too.

I'm not sure how he can bear spending as much time as he does (and it's a lot) licking his balls with his nose is right down there in the gas-ass zone. I'm surprised he doesn't pass out. I suppose the male of any animal that can lick his balls will go at it under any conditions.

I have been feeding him the same dog food for the past 4 months, so it's not a food change issue, although he's worse if I feed him meat. Which makes no sense because dogs are supposed to eat meat. It's hard to tell what makes it worse though, because it's a nightly occurrence. Yeah, it mostly happens at night when we're stuck in the same room together -- either the living room or the bedroom.

My research told me exercise might help. He gets lots of exercise, so that can't be the answer. Or maybe he eats too fast. What does that even mean? He eats like a dog. How do you determine what's fast eating for a dog? I've tried simethicone, the ingredient in GasX. First I tried one capsule, but that didn't touch it. Then I gave him two. Zero reduction in silent, but deadly, emissions. I considered just giving him the entire bottle, but I'm not sure how much GasX constitutes an overdose in a 55-pound dog. Not that I care much at this point.

Finally my Google search turned up someone who recommended yogurt. Swears by it. Says a tablespoon gives her at least 2 days of relief. It's not something I would have thought of, because I've never heard of humans eating yogurt for fart control, but OK. I just made half a gallon of yogurt. I decided to give it a try.

Last night I scooped out some yogurt with a tablespoon and held it down for him to lick off. He didn't wake me up once in the night. And then this afternoon, I hit him with another tablespoon of the magic.

Guess what? So far, not one stinky fart tonight, and it's after 1:30 am! Zero. He's laying right beside me with his butt pointed my way and ..... nothing.

So let this be your public service announcement of the year. Yogurt gets rid of dog farts. Or at least it has held them at bay for 24 hours.


Or, that is, it held them at bay until I wrote all of that above. Fuck me. Just as I was about to hit publish, my nose was hit with the horrible, rotten egg odor once again. I can't fucking win.

I guess it's back to Google. You can tear up my PSA and throw it in the trash. If you don't hear from me again, for god's sake, don't open the door. Save yourself. Good night.