Friday, April 24, 2015

Starting my birthday list: follow along

Just so you know, my birthday is July 19. And, yes, that makes me a Cancer with a side of Leo. If that matters to you. I was all set to write about masturbation tonight, but since my birthday is less than 3 months away, I thought you'd appreciate my starting a birthday wish list for you, so you can get me something really cool for my birthday. I'm going to have a big party this year, and even though the invitation will say "No gifts," we all know that's bullshit. 

To be honest, I don't wear flip flops (or thongs, as we called them when I was a kid) because they give me blisters between my toes, nor do I spend much time on the beach (find me a redhead who does and I'll show you a cancer .... skin cancer). Still, I would love a pair of these flip flops, which I would maybe frame and hang on my dining room wall. Or maybe I'll just spray them with paint and walk down the sidewalk toward my house, although come to think of it, the person who's most likely to be following me would be some ancient, 35-year-old alcoholic pushing a shopping cart full of stolen scrap metal. Hmmmm. 

I still want them! So do you, right?


Apparently you can create flip flops with anything on the bottom of them. What would you want your flip flops to say?

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Dick will make you slap somebody in the face

I didn't say that. Alexyss K. Taylor says it in the video below, which is one of the funniest I've ever watched. I chose a short (2:43) excerpt from a longer one titled "Penis Power." She has many others, and they are addictive. Once you start watching her, it's hard to stop because she's so unpredictable. If you're interested in her, here's her Vagina Power website.

That's her mother, btw, on the show with her. The woman with the priceless expressions, which were apparently the real thing. I could probably make my mom look like that.

(The title of this video on Youtube says Tylor is a preacher. She's not, damn it, because that would be even funnier. Check out her Wikipedia page for her credentials.)





Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Public service announcement: Dog farts



I didn't have time to write tonight because I've been researching dog farts. Listen, you can laugh, and you can even commiserate, but you don't know. This dog farts more and stronger than any dog I've ever known. I live in a big house with many rooms. He fills it up. The house. Fills it with farts. There's no escape. We live in a cloying, noxious cloud of dog-butt emissions in every room.

He even wakes me up in the night. I've been sleeping with a floor fan on already, even though it's not at all hot yet, just to keep the air moving in my bedroom, so I don't suffocate in my sleep. I wake up with my eyes spurting tears, gasping for air, swearing. I've ordered a gas mask from Amazon, but I'm afraid even that won't help. My imaginary boyfriend Felix won't even spend the night here any more.

I've tried lighting candles, of course, but they can't keep up, so my house just ends up smelling like lavender dog farts. I finally stopped because I was afraid I'd blow my house up, and I wasn't sure how I'd explain that to the insurance company. Accidental dog fart explosion?

I'm surprised the neighbors haven't complained, but maybe they don't want to get close enough to my house to complain. They've probably ordered gas masks from Amazon too.

I'm not sure how he can bear spending as much time as he does (and it's a lot) licking his balls with his nose is right down there in the gas-ass zone. I'm surprised he doesn't pass out. I suppose the male of any animal that can lick his balls will go at it under any conditions.

I have been feeding him the same dog food for the past 4 months, so it's not a food change issue, although he's worse if I feed him meat. Which makes no sense because dogs are supposed to eat meat. It's hard to tell what makes it worse though, because it's a nightly occurrence. Yeah, it mostly happens at night when we're stuck in the same room together -- either the living room or the bedroom.

My research told me exercise might help. He gets lots of exercise, so that can't be the answer. Or maybe he eats too fast. What does that even mean? He eats like a dog. How do you determine what's fast eating for a dog? I've tried simethicone, the ingredient in GasX. First I tried one capsule, but that didn't touch it. Then I gave him two. Zero reduction in silent, but deadly, emissions. I considered just giving him the entire bottle, but I'm not sure how much GasX constitutes an overdose in a 55-pound dog. Not that I care much at this point.

Finally my Google search turned up someone who recommended yogurt. Swears by it. Says a tablespoon gives her at least 2 days of relief. It's not something I would have thought of, because I've never heard of humans eating yogurt for fart control, but OK. I just made half a gallon of yogurt. I decided to give it a try.

Last night I scooped out some yogurt with a tablespoon and held it down for him to lick off. He didn't wake me up once in the night. And then this afternoon, I hit him with another tablespoon of the magic.

Guess what? So far, not one stinky fart tonight, and it's after 1:30 am! Zero. He's laying right beside me with his butt pointed my way and ..... nothing.

So let this be your public service announcement of the year. Yogurt gets rid of dog farts. Or at least it has held them at bay for 24 hours.

***********

Or, that is, it held them at bay until I wrote all of that above. Fuck me. Just as I was about to hit publish, my nose was hit with the horrible, rotten egg odor once again. I can't fucking win.

I guess it's back to Google. You can tear up my PSA and throw it in the trash. If you don't hear from me again, for god's sake, don't open the door. Save yourself. Good night.

Monday, April 20, 2015

Sweet potato hash

I'm brain-burnt crispy from rating creative writing audition stories while sitting in the stench of unrelenting dog farts with Chopin on Pandora and a fireplace burning on Netflix.

My attempt last night to raise a conversation about autocunnilingis raised instead the sound of crickets, as one loyal reader predicted it would. The one reader who responded has devoted her life to the female orgasm, so you should check out her website Sex, Science and the Ladies. I will be writing a review of her documentary by the same name one of these nights.

But tonight, I'm feeling neither angry nor clever nor particularly interested in sex. Simon, my imaginary boyfriend (more on him later this week), has gone to bed, and my muse Dolores fell asleep somewhere around the 17th audition story. So tonight you get a recipe for crack sweet potato hash.

I'm not sure where I first found this recipe, but it really doesn't matter because hash is hash is hash, and I've migrated so far from the original it's not even the same recipe now. I will warn you that this hash gets rave reviews even when I burn it. It's just that good. Try it.

Sweet Potato Hash

Ingredients

  • one large or a couple smaller sweet onions, halved and sliced thin
  • butter and or olive oil
  • 3-5 sweet potatoes, cubed (how hungry are you?)
  • a pound of sausage (I use sweet or mild Italian, but you can use hotter if you like. Or you can use a sagey country-style sausage. Whatever you like will work.)
  • garlic, chopped or mashed (choose how much you like)
  • rosemary, chopped fine (fresh is best, 4 sprigs; dried is OK in the winter, 1 heaping tablespoon)
  • salt and pepper
  • eggs

(photo: thefitfork.com)
1. In a large skillet, saute the onion slices in olive oil and butter with a little salt over low heat for about half an hour. Yep, I said 30 minutes. They should be mushy and brown and caramely. Don't worry if they seem watery at first and don't rush them.

2. Chop up the sweet potatoes into half-inch or so cubes, put them in a big bowl and mix in a couple of tablespoons of olive oil, the garlic, rosemary, and some salt and pepper.

3. Brown and crumble the sausage in another skillet or pan until it's not quite cooked through. Stir it into the sweet potatoes.

4. Preheat the oven to 425 degrees.

5. When the onions are caramelized, add them to the sweet potato mixture and spread it all out on a foil-lined cookie sheet. Stick it into the oven for about 20 minutes or until the sweet potatoes are soft. Stir a couple of times so the sausage doesn't burn. (I speak from experience.) Salt to taste after it comes out of the oven.

6. Just before the sweet potato mixture comes out of the oven, melt some butter in the skillet over medium heat. It's OK to use the dirty skillet from the onions. Once the butter is melted and just starting to brown, crack in a couple of eggs for each person you're feeding. Cook until they're either sunny-side up (you can cover the pan with foil for the last minute to cook the tops) or over-easy. They're best if they're runny.

7. Spoon some sweet potato mixture on a plate and top with a couple of eggs. I like to serve this with sliced oranges, buttered cranberry English muffins when they're in season, coffee, and cold glasses of whole raw milk. Some people might want to add hot sauce. Go ahead if you want to ruin it.

How good is this shit, you ask? Well, it has become my daughter-in-law's birthday request. And we've also eaten it for a couple of Christmas breakfasts. I served it for brunch after a slumber party with some girlfriends a couple of months ago, and they all ate way more than they wanted to. Everybody who's eaten it will vouch that this is some delicious shit. It takes an hour or so to make, but it's worth it.

Note: If you don't like sweet potatoes, you could use regular white potatoes instead. One of my slumber party guests doesn't like sweet potatoes, but she did like this, so don't assume anything. This isn't your mother's marshmallow-topped sweet potato casserole.

Let me know if you try it and what you think. Otherwise, you'll just have to get yourself invited to my house for brunch some day, because this will probably be on the menu.