Monday, February 23, 2015

12 Things I've Learned from Facebook this Week

Facebook, a fount of knowledge and cultural relevance, never lets me down. A short update from this past week's feed.

1. According to the color of my urine, I'm pretty healthy, despite my current sore throat, cough, muscle aches, congestion, and conjunctivitis. It's nice to know the color of my pee is keeping me alive.

2. I'm disgusting  because I leave my butter dish out on the counter all the fucking time. Apparently the classes are divided by those who leave their butter out and those who refrigerate.

3. The raw milk I drink is going to kill me and probably everybody close to me as well. Obviously I can't be trusted with dairy products.

4. If I eat enough organic coconut oil I won't get Alzheimer's. In fact, nobody has to get Alzheimer's. Good thing Julianne Moore won that Oscar before everybody found out about this miracle fat. I wonder if Mounds bars come in an organic version. That's where I'll get my coconut oil.

5. I missed 5 parties this weekend because I was sick. I was invited to 3 of them.

6. I'm the only person in America who's not watching The Walking Dead and Downton Abbey.

7. Some people spend their snow days making chocolate chip cookies, I assume because they haven't eaten all of the chips straight from the freezer already. Way to make the rest of us look like big, fat losers. Give me a cookie, please.

8. My nickname is Champ. I'm a grammar genius. I should live in Wisconsin.

9. Quizzes are stupid.

10. It's snowing.

11. Cats.

12. My friends drink a lot of beer, and according to the color of their urine, they pee beer too. I'm afraid it all tastes the same to me.

(Note: This is not a comprehensive list of what I learned on Facebook this week. I left some things off this list because it became a feminist rant so I wouldn't appear to be a snarky bitch.)