Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Do you know what's stuck to the bottom of your fridge?

So I finished reading and commenting on papers about 12:15 tonight and I admit before I started I watched the last episode of Dexter on Showtime on Demand and wow! he's cooked his shit now (I won't spoil it if you haven't seen it) but he's so fucking hot this season with his big muscles and tight shirts, isn't it about time we saw him naked? Enough with the blood and the little kid already; let's balance Mr. Nice Guy Sociopath out with some sex. Mmmmkay? So anyway I justified the Dexter fix because I wanted to finish crocheting a hot pink bootie for Coraline before I started on the four stacks of papers I needed to read and comment on tonight so I can go out to the theatre tomorrow night. A couple of hours later I finally finished the papers and entered the grades into my Excel grade book. My kids are writing some really hard stuff this quarter--like about rape and suicide and football and the price of pot--so after I read their papers I was finally ready to relax and start the new season of Shame but first I headed to the kitchen and measured out exactly one serving--according to the package--of Lays classic potato chips into a bowl

One serving = 15 chips. The broken ones don't count.
and reached into the fridge to pull out the Black Box so I could pour myself a glass of wine. I pulled and I pulled and I pulled but the box wouldn't come out of the fridge. Shit. It was stuck tight to the bottom shelf so I finally gave an extra hard pull and ripped it away from the glass and of course you know there was some kind of brown, gunky mess all over the shelf which I couldn't ignore because elves don't clean that shit up in the night, so I started digging for whatever was back there turning putrid .... nope, not the lemons, although they were sitting in sticky brown gunk too .... not the celery ..... I  threw those in the sink to wash later ..... kept digging through the milk licker and the baby romaine and the leftover eggnog from Christmas Eve and ah ha, here's the stinking culprit. A bag of spinach that probably wouldn't have gone bad if I'd eat fucking spinach instead of chips but who eats raw spinach with their wine after a long day of teaching and grading? I don't.  I'd probably get thin or something and what would I have to complain about then? So of course the fucking gunk was all over the glass shelf and had crept down into the cracks and crevices and of course I'd gone to Kroger just yesterday so the shelf was full and everything had to be unloaded so I could wipe that nasty shit up even though it literally made me gag and then wash the lemons and celery and put it all back. And the Black Box box is now damaged and certainly not fit to serve to company so now I'll have to drink it all myself but thank god the actual wine is in a plastic bag so I can.

I would not serve this to anyone but myself.

All I wanted was 15 fucking Lays potato chips and a glass of wine after a long day of teaching and grading papers and driving a van that sounds like a giant, fucking electric Hitachi vibrator. Was that too much to ask?

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