Monday, July 22, 2013

No, you did not bait that fish with your bits

About a month ago I wrote a post about a new show on Discovery Channel called "Naked and Afraid." I finally watched it, and I'm here to report back. You can go read the original post if you want, or I can summarize.

OK, I'll summarize. In the episode I wrote about, two people, a man and a woman, are dropped off for 21 days in an inhospitable area of Africa with no clothes on (lots of blurring, but butts are OK). They are allowed to bring one item. In the episode I watched, the man brought a knife and the woman brought a cooking pot. Both proved to be invaluable, but neither were helpful when they needed to catch food.

What was supposed to happen was that the woman would try to catch fish with her genitalia. It said so right here in this newspaper teaser my friend The Professor gave to me one night at karaoke. "...[U]sing her ladyparts as bait to catch fish between her legs." The bits baiting was verified in an interview with the woman on the Discovery Channel website, so I had to watch it just to see that.

Guess what? That's not the way it went down at all. Not even close. In fact there was no mention at all on the show of her using her bits to catch the fish.

One of the few things the man, who was big, burly former Army ranger or something, did was discover some catfish in the muddy stream they lived beside for 3 weeks. (He got a little thorn in his foot and spent most of the episode lying around whining about that. He did manage to make a fire after 3 days though, so he wasn't totally worthless.)

Anyway, he was hopping around trying to stab a fish with a forked stick he'd sharpened with his knife. I guess it's harder to catch fish that way than you'd think.

The woman, on the other hand, sat down in the stream of muddy, 2-inch-deep water with her legs spread in a V. As the man spooked the fish and they fled downstream, she caught 3 of them between her legs and threw them up on the bank. That's it. I can't even make a joke tying catfish with pussy. Go ahead. You try.

I don't know about you but I imagined her standing in a river with her legs spread wide, her large and obvious outer labia dangling pink and tantalizing in the water, yelling, "Here, fishy fishy fishy! Come and eat some tasty pussy!" And then her look of both surprise and guilty erotic pleasure as she felt the first nibble on her bait  lady bits .... That's what I imagined.

It was nothing like that. Those fish had no interest in her crotch. They were just trying to get away from the man's stick and blindly swam between her legs because they had nowhere else to go.

What a huge fucking disappointment! And that was the uncensored version. Here's a clip if you want to see it for yourself. Go ahead and be disappointed too.

I see somebody is supposed to be taken out of the next show in a medical emergency. I might watch that, but the fact is: Been there, done that. "Survivor." Michael falling into the fire and burning his hands. And then a dozen more pussies who left the game in seasons after that.

If they want me to watch the show, they've got to make better use of those two people being both "naked and afraid." Otherwise it's just 21 days condensed into an hour of whatthefuckever.

Did any of you happen to catch the show? What did you think? Will you watch another episode?


  1. I watched one episode but won't be watching it again. An average but knowledgeable woman gets dropped off on an island with a burly know it all survivalist guy. The guy proceeds to get a "bad" sunburn and lay in the shade for like a week while the woman does everything. The guy realizes he's being a total pussy and decides to dig a whole for water. When he hits water he drinks it, without boiling it, against her advice. He then gets sick and proceeds to shit everywhere for the rest of the show. Oh, he got a clam once. What the fuck! All this show proves is that big burly men are total pussies.

    1. If all I knew about men came from this show, I would think all men were weak, arrogant assholes. I watched a second one and it pissed me off for several reasons. 1) The guy talked like it was a date. He said he hoped she would be good looking because he didn't want to have to look at someone who wasn't for 21 days. Let me add that he was at least 60 pounds overweight. He lost 30 during the 3 weeks and you could hardly tell. 2) The woman brought a machete. The guy brought goggles. Yes, goggles. And then refused to go into the water and help her fish because he was afraid of sharks. 3) When she did catch a sea anemone, he refused to eat any because of how it looked. When she caught 2 lobsters, he dug right in. 4) The guy continued to make comments as if they were on a date, and even said this must be what it's like to be married when she asked where he'd been for several hours while she was working on the raft they needed to build to get out of there.

      Total asshole. The one thing that made me happy is that she was beautiful and she made clothes for herself. He didn't GET to look at her for 21 days.

  2. Ha! A guy I work with keeps talking about this show and trying to get me to watch it. I keep telling him it sounds dumb. He says it's one of the "better" reality "survivor" type shows. I keep saying it's dumb. He keeps giving me updates. So not my cup of tea, but I am totally up to date on the show.

  3. You don't want to watch this show. It will cement any cynicism you have about men. Especially men who are survival experts, because apparently they're nothing but big, whiny pussies. Not kidding.