Snippet from a horror film

Billy Montana asked me to go to a Queens of the Stone Age concert in Cincinnati this past Friday night. I said yes, because I've never heard of them, but when I looked them up on youtube Dave Grohl was playing drums for them, and I have a huge hard-on for Dave Grohl. No offense to his wife of about a million fucking years, but he should be in my bed tonight wearing a glow-in-the-dark snorkel.

On the way to the concert, Billy told me about a couple of projects he's working on -- both in the horror genre -- and asked me if I wanted to work on them as the producer. I said I would. Then he described the story-line for the first one, and I put my hand on the door handle and left it there the rest of the trip because what kind of deranged mind comes up with this shit?!?!

It was really fucking disturbing. Of course, I can't give away any spoilers, but I will share the message from Billy Montana to the cast and crew that I found in my Facebook message box the next morning. (Some names have been changed.)

Everyone ok for starting at 3pm tomorrow? 

[address of shoot]

Okay, some notes for tomorrow's shoot:

Moxie: We will need to put duct tape on Jessica, like she's bound up. I'll double side it so it won't stick to her and it will be loose on her so she won't be actually bound. That's hands and feet, and a piece across her mouth. Also, we will be using some fake blood on her feet as Sarah is dragging her dead body out of the tub. How are you doing on ragged looking clothing and such? Also, bring some towels and extra change of clothes for Jessica since she might get messy.

Sarah: I'll need to get some meat at the store for you to cut up. Also, any word on anyone else helping out? Might just need one other person as Reticula will be at the shoot.

Reticula: I have a squirt bottle for the blood for when Sarah hits the vein.

Ramona: Are we good for the dogs tomorrow? If not, what day next week works for you?

******

Step the fuck down, Wes Craven. Billy Montana will kick your creepy ass back out into the woods and let his dogs chew on your bones. And I will squirt you, because I'm the producer and that's what producers do right before they order the pizza.

You would not believe the things I deliberately experience for my art. And for other people's art.

(photo credit: gadling.com; crystalgraphics.com)