When you don't feel shiny

I posted a video titled Shine: 10 Women Strip Down & Share Their Thoughts On Beauty & Body Image. I'll repost it below in case you missed it.

I intended to write a long post about body image, about this video and other body-empowering ideas that have come my way, about getting naked, and about why many of us can't don't do it. It turned out this topic is harder to write about than I expected. I have a lot to say, but I'm not in a good place to write about it. In fact, I'm struggling with the entire topic from my personal issues to the restrictions society and media place on women's bodies to films like the one below that are supposed to empower women.

But mostly I'm struggling with my body and how I feel about it. And that's the lens through which I saw the film.

I can imagine many women will feel empowered by Shine. Empowered to do what, I'm not sure. Feel better about themselves? Feel more normal in their bodies? Think about their bodies as art? Dare to get naked for a reason other than sex or taking a shower? The film has everything necessary for empowerment, right? Music, soft lighting, pretty voices, smiles, a great message.

So why don't I feel empowered? I don't feel any different about my body after watching the film -- much as I enjoyed it -- than I did before. One reason is that all of those women appear to be under 30. I asked the filmmakers about that, and they responded, As far as older women's representation, we totally agree. We feel the same way which is why [we] sought to cast women of all ages for this project. We were looking for the most diverse group we could find, but for some reason only younger women felt called to participate. We talk a lot about society's under-representation and youth obsessed culture in our feature length film, The Goddess Project, which we plan to have finished by 2015. We would LOVE to see more media that showcases this, and hope in the future to create more films that share this message!

 So I didn't imagine it. Of course I didn't imagine it.

A friend on Facebook wrote: "Not sure it's really about being naked...but about a willingness to take a huge risk and doing so with others who are risking the same and the power in numbers (no matter how small.) THAT is what I think is truly empowering no matter what we wear (or NOT wear)."

I don't disagree with her about the power of numbers and taking a risk together. But I do think it's about being naked. I think it's about being naked and knowing our bodies -- no, my body is not acceptable when it's naked. Nobody could make a beautiful, empowering film about my naked body.

I don't think my reaction is the one Holli and Sara were going for. Or maybe they're too smart to be married to expectations when it comes to their work. I hope so.

As my mother has told me so often, I think too much. I'm doing it now. I truly feel joyful that those 10 women shared such an uplifting experience. I smiled the entire time I watched it, every time I watched it. It's beautiful, and I hope those 10 women get a lot of mileage out of that experience. I'm grateful they were willing to share so deeply of their experience.

So first I enjoyed it, and then the thinking started, because I needed to write something, and right now, naked bike rides and topless book clubs (that's another post) and films about young women stripping down and allowing their bodies to become art .... none of that has anything to do with me. I'm not doing that. And nobody wants to see me do that.

And let me stop right here and say I know it's not about exhibitionism, other people seeing and wanting to post photos on Instagram. Or mostly it's not. I'm not an exhibitionist.

No, it's about the horrible, hurtful, cruel comments people make about women's normal bodies if they aren't young and slim and smooth, and how those voices have become the voice in my head. Maybe in your head too.

My word for 2014 is "unpack," and I expected to unpack some body issues this year. I've had little no success. After my trip to Chicago and an unnamed state park north of the city where I participated in a nude photo shoot, I thought I had unpacked some shit. And I did for a couple of months, before I backslid. Hard. It's depressing. It's affecting my social life. I'm not sure anything will help, but I'm going to try writing and see what happens.

So I'm grateful that Sara and Holli sent me the link to Shine, and encouraged me to experience and examine my own reaction to the film. OK, they really wanted me to review it, but I had to make it all about me. Bloggers. What are you going to do? Like I said in yesterday's post, this topic has been coming at me from several directions recently, so I know I've got some unpacking to do.

I hope the 10 women in Shine carry the experience with them as a shield against the many messages women receive and swallow about our bodies. And I hope the film encourages more women -- women of all ages and body types and abilities -- to find the beauty in their bodies too.

Shine: Ten women strip down ....

Photo credit: The Goddess Project

Recently .... OK, maybe as recent as last September when I took an adventurous trip to Chicago and beyond .... the topic of nudity -- public nudity or women undressing in public or both -- keeps coming up. And you know I have to listen when Miss Serendipity whispers in my ear. Even when she whispers, "People need to get naked. Think about it."

Oh, don't worry. You don't have to see me naked. But I would like you to watch something two young women filmmakers, Sarah and Holli, sent me. Sarah and Holli traveled in a mini school bus all over the country a couple of years ago creating footage for a film they're making called The Goddess Project. Bump your cursor up against that link, and you can read and watch all about it.

They also made a short film titled Shine, and that's why they contacted me. They wanted me to watch it, and see if I wanted to share it with you. So I watched it, and I definitely want you to watch it too.

I have a lot to say about this film and the topic of women -- naked women -- but not tonight. For now, I'd rather you just watch the film, which is only three-and-a-half minutes long, and take a look at The Goddess Project website to find out more about their journey and future plans. Donate, if you feel inclined.

Let me know what you think about this video, and I'll do the same tomorrow.

Out of Vogue

I'm not a reader of Vogue magazine. Go figure. I don't look like that; I don't dress like that; I can't afford that. I have strong opinions about the magazine's influence on how women view our bodies and our worth -- but it's part of such a pervasive, ridiculously unattainable culture, Vogue really doesn't come across my radar even when I glance at the magazines while I'm in line at the grocery store.

Except today. Evidently the editors of Vogue's international editions signed a pledge they're calling the "Health Initiative." Basically they've given themselves new rules to live by -- as if they didn't make the rules before.

The first and last of their position points seem like a definite departure from business as usual.

"1. We will not knowingly work with models under the age of 16 or who appear to have an eating disorder. We will work with models who, in our view, are healthy and help to promote a healthy body image.

6. We will be ambassadors for the message of healthy body image."

So Vogue is going to show us what healthy, normal women look like, huh? Instead of starving children in ridiculously expensive, not to mention ugly, clothes? Do you really believe that?

Here's how some of them kicked it off. This article shows photos of the Healthy Initiative covers. Doesn't look new to me. Most of those arms are thinner than my index finger! I'm not sure what looks healthy about any of those covers. But OK, they're covers. What's inside is what matters.

Each of the international issues ran their own version of a healthy body pictorial. Here, for example, is a photo from the German issue. It's one of several black-and-white photos of nude women that haven't been Photoshopped.

We're supposed to be impressed because it's not airbrushed. Seriously? (There are other photos in the story, including some of the editor. This one stuck out though -- like a bone.)

Fuck you, German Vogue, if you think this represents healthy. No offense to you skinny women out there, but this initiative is supposed to represent a change. This girl does not represent healthy -- whatever that is. She might be healthy, but she doesn't represent it in a magazine that says it's changing its image.

Italian Vogue went a different direction. Here's one of their photos. Except that her hair is so big it will probably put her in a neck brace, she looks healthy, and so do the other women in the pictorial. It's better, right?

Nope. They called this their "plus-sized" issue. That right there, ladies and gentlemen, is your fat model. She was hired for the fat issue of Vogue. Not the healthy issue, the fat issue, because don't kid yourself, that's what they mean by "plus-sized" at Vogue magazine.

Fuck you, Italian Vogue.

I haven't seen all the other issues, but I don't buy their shit for one minute. Here's what I have to say to Vogue: You've been complicit stealing and distorting women's body images for decades. Don't pretend now that you're promoting images of healthy women. You're not. Your lawyers have told you you've taken it too far and now you're trying to do damage control, and make money by pretending you've changed. You still don't get it.

So if you're going to make a big deal about showing healthy women and doing it without Photoshopping them, first do it in color. That's right. Don't hide behind black and white photos. And second, do it without making a big fucking production of how you're showing "healthy" models who are ::::applause::::: over 16 years old. Start there. But until then .....

Fuck you, Vogue. You don't represent me and I'm am a healthy woman.

Update:
Here is the video my son Drake posted in the comments section below. Love this video! Love my son!