Working out the kinks

I've been invited--along with a few hundred other people--to an industrial goth birthday/fetish party. No big deal. I've been to dozens of fetish parties. Former Girl Scout leaders are really popular at fetish parties because we know our knots.... Awww, fuck it. I admit it. I've never been to a fetish party. Not one. And now I feel like I'm sitting by myself at a long table in a crowded high school cafeteria reading my English lit textbook.

Believe it or not, I haven't decided if I'll go yet for three simple reasons. And if you'll please bear with me, I'd like to share them and get your advice.

1. I hate to admit this because fetishes are so hip, so trendy, even I'm invited to a fetish party. Not that I'm a complete innocent. I read Dan Savage and I also .... ummmm ... (maybe I shouldn't overshare.... this isn't my secret sex blog, after all) I don't like to get too personal, so my former, private experiences aside, the problem is I don't think I have a fetish. There! I said it. Unless maybe chocolate could be considered a fetish, but I'm pretty sure it's not. So before I can RSVP in the affirmative, I think I should adopt a personal fetish ..... ..... ..... I'm thinking. .... ..... Writing is a process of discovery, so please be patient .... I've got it! I do have a fetish after all! Cookies! Cookies will be my fetish. Cookies can be a fetish, right? Even if everybody loves cookies? Anybody else have a cookie fetish? Anybody?

2. Next, I'm not sure what I'd wear to a fetish party because a) this mamma doesn't go out dressed in a tight corset and garter belt like trailer trash ... a 'ho' ... a really needy middle-aged trailer trash 'ho' ... shudder ...I'm not 21. Those clothing items I save for someone who has earned his way into my inner boudoir. I don't waste that good shit on strangers. So if I'm not going to wear underwear lingerie, what would I wear? Rubber, I've heard, doesn't breath. I'd worry about excessive sweating. I'm not into kitties or bunnies. My feet are ticklish, and I can't stand up walk very far in 5" heels anyway. Duct tape? No. Unless I dress like cookie monster and risk a costly trademark violation, what the fuck would I wear to the fetish party?

Get your own, Elvira. You can't borrow mine.

3. Even if I did knock off numbers one and two of this list, number three is a serious impediment to my fetish party enjoyment: I don't have anybody I want to go with. And since I started this, I'll be specific. I not only don't give out my number, I don't date, so I don't have anyone to go with, and I sure as hell am not going alone. Sure, I could take any number of friends -- hell a whole group of friends, definitely some family, and probably even a couple of enemies -- but in my perfect world, an adventure like this -- the story I'd want to tell -- would be more fun if I went with someone with whom I intended to share my fetish -- that would be cookies, of course -- later. A romantic partner. In my ideal world, I suppose I would choose an adventure buddy (or two, hee) from my stable of booty calls* gentleman friends, someone who would accompany me to the fetish party where I'm sure Miss Serendipity would prove a delicious and entertaining hostess. I mean, one wouldn't want to over-plan the first fetish party. Alas, I don't date .... although this is one of those times I almost wish I did. This puts a serious kink in the works.

OK, Dear Readers, these are my concerns. The invitation sits on my Facebook events page, awaiting my click. And I just can't decide. Should I go? What do you think? Tell me: would you go?

* Booty calls may apply at reticulatedsecretsexblog.org. Remember it's only $39.95 per month to join. A bargain you won't regret. Or if you're too cheap to join, you can email me, but I will certainly mock you.