Showing posts with label all about me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label all about me. Show all posts

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Weekend Update: Week 6 Blatant Self-Gratification



Tonight's weekend update will be followed by the sound of my mother's voice saying, "Stop showing off.* You're not cute," but I have my fingers in my ears and I'm singing "Row, row, row your boat" over and over so I can't hear a fucking thing. I've had an exciting week as a blogger and a story-teller, so I'm going to toot about it.

Earlier this week I wrote a post about three words I never want to hear again. I'll be honest here and say I started writing late--really late--because I was sitting around eating potato chips, drinking wine, and watching TV with a friend. After he left, I blew off a little steam about a phrase Christina Aguilera used on The Voice, posted it to Twitter, Facebook, and Blogher (who promote NaBloPoMo) and went to bed.

Yes, I'm shameless.
Then next morning I noticed a graphic on my Blogher post. Awww, I thought, somebody liked my post. Then I looked at the number of "reads," and said out loud, "Fuck me. People at Blogher are reading my shit." And commenting. I was so excited! Friday the weekly NaBloPoMo newsletter came out and my little post was in there too. And then today, they posted it on their Facebook wall and the number of reads went over 2000. It was like Viagra for my little e-peen clit.


I admit I have no idea what constitutes a large number of reads at Blogher. My big number could be someone else's "everybody hates me today" number. I don't know. I joined so I could do NaBloPoMo last November, posted some of my blog entries there just to see what would happen, and entered a couple of giveaways. Thousands of women blog there, from what I can tell, so I had no expectations. No, I expected less than that. I felt invisible.

Then I won $250 in December. And then I got a little pat on the head massive boner from those unusually big numbers up there. It really was a perfect match. The money love before the sex. My heart is as swollen as my .... well, nevermind.

A couple of days later I posted about that dickhead who shot his daughter's computer. Coraline had stayed overnight, so we spent the morning napping and playing on my big bed. By the time I came downstairs Elvira had sent a message saying I had lots of good comments on that post. And she was right. I loved reading the comments, even the one from the guy who told me to take my head out of my ass and wake up because he has two daughters, five and under, and if he blows holes in their toys with a gun that doesn't mean he's threatening them with violence. Even him.

Although I'm hell-bent on self gratification here, I have to say that it's really readers and your comments that make this worth doing. My belly button would get pretty dull without your comments and feedback. And a big thank you to those of you who have shared my posts on Facebook. You know who you are!

Finally, tonight something happened that has nothing to do with my blog. I went to my first story slam. I've been to many poetry slams, but never a story slam. It's the same premise though: people sign up to tell a story --10-minute maximum and no notes -- and then the audience decides whom they liked best. I wasn't even going to do it. I was just happy to sit there drinking blueberry tea in a trendy new coffee shop with some friends and some strangers on a bitterly cold Sunday night.

But after everybody on the list had told a story, the host Shelly said we'd take a break and asked if anybody else would tell a story after. So I said I would. The theme was love, so I told the story of the first Valentine's Day LtColEx and I were married, and the gift he gave me stole for me.** And for whatever reason, I won.

The experience was kind of like having people sing "Happy Birthday" to me and then getting a gift -- embarrassing and thrilling at the same time. Here's what I won.


A big storage box full of stuff (photo credit to Diplomat)


Cake dildo? Who thought of this?
You can't really tell from the photo above how much stuff was packed into this carton. I gave the Dean Martin and Neil Diamond albums away to a theatre friend who also told a story. And then I was left with a pound of coffee and tea; 100 tea bags; Little Debbie V Day cakes; Meditation for Dummies; two candles; a tiny  red-ribbon-wrapped package with soap, lip balm, a condom and something in a wax paper bag that feels like cat litter and smells like anise  (Elvira will know what it is); a light-up box that reads "Love Is All You Need"; a tiny pink tote bag with two seed bombs, a couple of chocolate-covered pretzel sticks and a cake dildo; various cookies; and some other stuff I haven't dug to the bottom to find yet.


This looks like somebody's grandma on this cookie. I was hoping for Jesus.

I felt kind of overwhelmed .... but in a good way. I didn't go to the slam expecting to tell a story, much less to win. Next month the topic is anger. Hmmm. I might have a story to tell about that.

I'm done bragging. I didn't have to do it. I could have bitched about sitting through hours of conferences with students and feeling discouraged at the number who will fail my class. Or mean people. Or how my Firefox crashes every fucking day. Or how tired I am of the cold, gray winter.

But tonight I shared what made me happy this week. Writing makes me happy. Stories make me happy. And the people who read and listen and then tell me their stories back, they make me happiest of all.


That's it for tonight. Have a great week!



* Where I come from showing off is a mortal sin. If somebody's keeping track up there, I'm sure there's only room to write in the margins anyway, so fuck it.
** I'll post that story tomorrow.

Friday, August 19, 2011

A Silly Questionnaire

I'm having some problems with Blogger today, so I'm posting this silly questionnaire in order to run some tests. And besides, I think every blog should have at least one silly questionnaire post, don't you? How else would you get to know and love me--other than by my silhouette up there? Feel free to post your own.


ABC's about Me
A - available:  Yes, but certain restrictions apply.
B- birthday:  July 19
C- candy:  Dove darks
D- drink you last had: water
F- favorite song: “Bridge Over Troubled Water”
E - easiest person to talk to:  myself
G - gummy bears or gummy worms: They both taste the same to me, but worms are ickier, so I’ll guess worms.
H - happy: I’ll know it if I clap my hands.
I - in love with: someone I made up
J - juggle: constantly
K - killed someone: tempted
L  - longest car ride:  three days…and nights
M- milkshake flavor: chocolate/marshmallow
N - number of siblings: 4 (+ one I don’t know)
O - one wish: see H—for everybody I love
P - person you called last: Kate
R  - reason to smile: my progeny
S - song you last sang: “Everybody Wants You”
T - time you woke up: Yes, it’s definitely time I woke up.
U  - underwear color: black
V - vegetable(s): yes?
W - worst habit: trusting
X - X-rays you've had: back, mouth/face
Y  - yoyos are: Tommy Smothers
Z - zodiac sign: Cancer

Random Questions about You
  • Spell your name without vowels: Rtcl
  • Your favorite number: 11
  • What color do you wear most? black
  •   Least favorite colors: yellow, especially on backbones
  • What are you listening to?  insects
  • Are you happy with your life right now? parts of it; not so much others
  • What is your favorite class in school? English
  • When do you start back at school/college? after Labor Day
  • Are you outgoing? intensely
  • Favorite pair of shoes: prefer bare feet
  •   Can you tie a cherry stem with your mouth? No, I usually tell other people to do that for me. I am always impressed and then want to immediately engage in sexual activity with the knot-tier. 
  • Can you whistle? Put your lips together and blow, right?
  • Cross your eyes?  Yes, and then uncross.
  • Walk with your toes curled?  Why would I do that? I like to be on my back when my toes curl.
  • Do you believe there is life on other planets? The evidence is not conclusive for or against at this time. We really can’t see past our noses when it comes to the universe….or this planet for that matter.
  • Do you believe in miracles? I believe things happen that I don’t understand. Lots of things.
  • Do you believe in magic? In a young girl’s heart….
  • Love at first sight? I don’t even believe in love after months or years, much less first sight.
  • Do you believe in Santa? I’m here, aren’t I? Who do you think stays up all night Christmas Eve?
  •   Do you know how to swim? Yes, but sometimes I still go under and flounder.
  • Do you like roller coasters? They terrify me…..oh, that’s the point, isn’t it? No, my life is roller coaster enough for me. And don't fucking judge me. I take other risks just as big that people think are crazy.
  • Do you think you could handle the stuff they eat on those reality shows? Hellz, yeah. You wouldn’t believe some of the “food” I’ve already eaten.
  •   Have you ever been on a plane? I even flew one once.
  • Have you ever asked someone out? yes
  • Have you ever been asked out by someone? yes
 The Whats
  • What is the temperature outside? 70
  •  What radio station do you listen to? Whichever one is playing a song I like
  • What was the last restaurant you ate at? Olive: an urban dive
  • What was the last thing you bought? cheesemaking supplies
  • What was the last thing on TV you watched? Web Therapy
  •  Who was the last person you took a picture of? my daughter and granddaughter
  • Who did you last webcam with? Oh, I can’t really talk about that in public.
  •  Who was the last person you said I love you to? my daughter
  •  Ever really cried your heart out? Tried to; it keeps coming back. Maybe this time it’s gone though. Crossing fingers.
  •   Ever cried yourself to sleep? yes
  • Ever cried on your friend's shoulder? yes, and soaked it through
  • Ever cried over the opposite sex? Like, standing over him with a knife in my hand and shed tears? No. Had my heart broken? Yes.
  • Do you cry when you get an injury? Physical? rarely  Emotional? often
  •  Do certain songs make you cry? yes, and poems and movies and Hallmark commercials and heroic deeds and cruelty and sometimes honesty and even silence….

Friday, August 5, 2011

A Day in the Life of an Old Hippie

I'm licking the last drop of blueberry martini out of my glass, thinking it's time for bed--even the drug dealers down the street have stopped arguing in the street and gone in--but I want to try to get this day down in words. It wasn't, as far as I know, an exceptional day, one that would call for an extra, special edition of the newspaper. But it was a day that left me feeling tired and slightly inebriated fortunate for so many things in my life and maybe even a little buzzed warm and fuzzy. And since it's not Wordless Wednesday any more, I can talk about cows....

...And about how I was up at the ass-crack of dawn milking my cows....Oh, wait. That was someone else who was up at the ass-crack of dawn milking my herd share of cows. But I did run up north to farm country with my good friend Chicken Grrrl to pick up 17 gallons of raw milk for our little milk co-op. It's about an hour up there so we had a good, long chat on the way up and back. We're usually doing something else when we're together, like last week when we dreadlocked another friend's hair or Friday night when we were dancing with a hot, half-naked young man in a kilt (who claimed he was old enough to drink beer and insisted the two of us should spend the night together because he has his own apartment and what more do I need in a man? Oh, child. So much more than that), so it was nice to be captive in her boxy tree-frog green car with no interruptions.....except the one phone call from my daughter asking if projective vomiting is normal for a 2-week-old baby. I assured her it wasn't time for an exorcism unless the baby's head was spinning at the same time and she crab-walked backwards down the stairs.

Milk Shed
At the farm, we unloaded our clean, used half gallon jars and filled five or six coolers with jars filled with raw milk. This is the best milk ever. I usually drink and share half of the two gallons I buy every two weeks, and use the rest to make yogurt or farmer's cheese. The farmer's cheese is really easy, and it doesn't melt so I can use it in omelets and stir fries just like tofu.... only it tastes like cheese. Yum. Fried cheese. With this batch, I'm going to make some mozzarella. One of the local party stores that sells beer- and wine-making supplies got smart and added stuff for making cheese. Booze and cheese. Food of the gods. The milk comes with a two-inch head of cream on the top. Sometimes I just shake it back in and drink the rich milk, or I skim it off and eat it on fresh summer fruit. The gods can get their own. I don't share.

After we unloaded the milk at Chicken Grrrl's house, I just had time to run home and eat a really late lunch before I rode downtown to meet A Man Called Horse* for a bicycle ride. We headed north on a new trail, grateful the temperature had dropped to only 91 degrees today. It was the coolest ride we'd gone on in weeks. We both decided this river trail was our favorite of the ones we've ridden so far: smooth, shady, and way out in the boonies for long stretches. So far out in the boonies we heard rifle fire instead of traffic after one wrong turn that led to a closed bridge. I wanted to lift our bikes over and see what was back there, but A Man Called Horse was afraid somebody would make us squeal like pigs.

At one point we rode past some soccer fields and were surprised to find two fat fucking idiots women had set their lawn chairs up right on the bike path. As we slowed and circled around them I said, "You're kidding me, right?" One of the them replied, "Yep, we're kidding you." I wanted to turn back and bitch slap them, not so much for their chair placement but for their stupid comeback. I figured I could just ride by with my arm straight out and get them both with one pass, but A Man Called Horse encouraged me to stay the course. I plotted a return bitch slap, but they had moved by the time we got rode back through. I hate idiots and bullies.

We rode about 23 miles in all, snacking on small, flying bugs the whole way, and then loaded our bikes on A Man Called Horse's rack back at our meeting place so he could drive me home. He doesn't like for me to ride home because that means I get an extra three miles for the ride and he feels like less of a man if I ride further. Or maybe he's just a nice guy.

By the time I got home I was running a little late. Chicken Grrrl was coming over for music and martinis. I called her, peeled off my sweaty bike clothes, jumped in and out of the shower, and then heated up some left-overs. I sometimes lose up to two pounds during a ride, which sounds good but really means I come home hungry enough to eat a litter of alley cats. Chicken Grrrl arrived while I was sitting on the porch eating, hoping my neighbor Melvin wouldn't come over and ask me to feed him. He's been drinking a lot more lately and his boundaries tend to slip.....although he's way more willing to share his pint of gin and juice.

Sour Cherry Martini
Chicken Grrrl brought homemade sour cherry syrup for cherry martinis and I got out my homemade blueberry syrup and blueberry vodka for the blueberry martini recipe I developed a couple of months ago. We started with the cherry. I shook ice, Skyy vodka, simple syrup, and sour cherry syrup until the metal shaker was too cold to hold, poured, and dropped in a bing cherry. Mmmmm. Tart and sweet at the same time. We grabbed a bag of Dove darks to eat with our martinis and headed into the living room to play some music.

 I picked up my Gibson and we got to work. We're supposed to play for a church service Sunday, so we had to work on a song for that first. We chose one we've done before, "Holy Now," because it's summer and we felt lazy and the martinis were cold and sliding down fast. And then we decided to do a second one just because nobody is expecting it and we like this song by singer-songwriter Carrie Newcomer.  It didn't take us long to knock out the songs and knock back the martinis.

Time for more. Chicken Grrrl hadn't tasted  the blueberry martini** yet. I'd been saving it for a special occasion with someone else, but the time passed and I was eager to share the recipe. Chicken Grrrl is kind of a booze connoisseur, so I must admit I wanted to impress her. Same ingredients as the sour cherry martini except for the blueberry vodka, which is surprisingly fruit-like; no chemical taste. I shook, poured and tossed some fresh blueberries in the glasses. Yummy. If you haven't had one, you should definitely give one a try. I first drank one at.....ummmmm.....I can't remember the name of the restaurant, but there was steak and salad and my date and I had such a good time we lost track of time and missed the play we'd intended to go to. The martini made a big impression too, so I vowed to replicate it. I suffered through several tries before I got it just right, but it's perfect now.

Responsibility music out of the way, we could have fun and play whatever we wanted, like an "Evil Ways"/"Venus" mash we came up with for a big show we did last summer. We ran through some other old stuff we've played out before. We're going to apply for panhandlers licenses so we can busk downtown in the artsy, hippie(ish) area there or maybe in a nearby small town where the real hippies live. Yes, we have to get a license here in the city to put out the guitar case and let people throw in their spare change. I think it costs $25, and we'll have to wear our little badges around our necks. It will be fun though. I've busked before and you never know what people will stop and say or do, especially as the night gets older.

We played a bunch of old songs while the drug dealer and his girlfriends fought in the street. For a while we hid under the windows and listened, but other than something about "don't you talk about my mama or my kids, motherfucker," we really couldn't understand what the fight was about. A fight is usually top priority, but this time playing music was more fun. I played and we sang until my fingers were bloody stumps sore and we called it a night.

I love living in the city, with my cows close-by and the river and the bike paths and passionate neighbors who fight in the streets. Tomorrow night The Architect* and I are riding downtown for dinner and a photo shoot. The city is going to turn on all the lights in the buildings and on the bridges so photographers can take colorful photos and enter them in a big contest with a cash prize. The Architect is a professional photographer so I imagine he'll take some kick-ass slow-speed night shots. I'll just haul my heavy Nikon D-70S down there and leave my shots up to serendipity. It works for me. Maybe I'll even get my ass in gear and enter that contest. After the shooting, there're free concerts and dancing and the art galleries will be open for First Friday. Too much fun might make my Saturday morning ride kick my ass, but I suppose I have to pay for my play.
Cleanup can wait until morning.

Somehow it got to be 4:00am though, and somebody has to get up to milk my cows at the ass-crack of dawn. I'm sure as hell glad it isn't me. Good night.



*More on the men I ride with in an upcoming post.
** Blueberry martini: 1 1/2 oz blueberry vodka; 1 1/2 oz simple syrup; short jigger of blueberry/lemon syrup. If your syrup doesn't have lemon in it, a small squeeze of lemon. Shake until the metal shaker is too cold to hold and pour into a martini glass. Yummy! Feel free to lick the bottom of the glass when it's gone and then mix another one.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

I Am What I Am

For the service I wrote about in my last post, I had to create two poems: the introductory "loving myself is some hard shit" poem and the "I'm superfantastic" poem. We also wanted the congregation to participate in some way, so I suggested an exercise I've done in poetry workshops and services before in which the participants fill out a short prompt on a slip of paper. The slips are then arranged to make one communal poem. This is an exercise that relies heavily on serendipity, and the resulting poem has been different and amazing every time I've done it.

We combined it with another exercise, one I do with my beginning composition classes. Toward the beginning of the quarter I assign them an "I am what I am" poem* as an in-class freewrite. They don't have time to finish them in class and I don't grade them, but I'm always surprised how many of them finish these poems on their own and then hand them in to me just so I can read them. For me, this exercise has solid pedagogical underpinnings: students get a chance in a short piece of writing to practice vivid description, example lists, and repetition. From their perspective, they just like writing about themselves. Who doesn't?

For the congregation's poem, we used the prompt "I am what I am....I am ____." Our minister, Amy, and I agreed we would both write an individual "I am what I am" poem to share during the service, and then I'd read the community poem toward the end. This is my "I am what I am...." poem.**


I am what I am…I am the red-headed bastard stepchild who belonged but never fit in…one of these things is not like the others…a fair-skinned, freckled summer child, I am the lightning rod who saw too much and challenged too often. I was too smart for my own good. I knew grownups told me one thing but did the other for their own good, but they hid the truth in their sock drawers and on the top shelves of kitchen cabinets, behind their acrid clouds of cigarette smoke and deep in their bottles of bourbon. I was relieved to find out Santa wasn’t real because finally someone told me the truth.


I am what I am…I am Iowa: corn, soybeans, hogs banging feeders, county fairs, the Hawkeyes, demolition derbies, and beer for breakfast. I am small town squares where the community band oompah oompahs at the ice cream social on Thursday nights when the stores stay open until 9:00 pm. Iowa, where we were so poor we didn’t even have accents, but someone will always stop to help if you break down on the side of the road. I couldn’t run away fast enough or slam the door hard enough behind me, but it’s still there inside this city girl. Iowa…Iowa, that’s where the tall corn grows, and that’s where I officiated at my lesbian cousin’s wedding two years ago. Yes, I married my cousin. I am what I am, and part of me will always be proud I was born and raised in Iowa.


I am what I am…I am a mother. I’ve baked a million cookies, cleaned up vomit in the middle of the night when I had the flu myself, sewed Halloween costumes, homeschooled for 12 years, driven a million miles in my minivan, given great advice, read a million books aloud, kissed boo boos, yelled sometimes, hugged more. I didn’t want to make the same mistakes my parents made, so I invented new ones. I wanted to be perfect, but now that my kids are grown, I’m not sure what perfect means. Although, if I could do it again, with everything I know now, I’d come close. Soon I will be a grandma and I will bake a million more cookies, kiss boos boos, never yell, give less advice, and hug like a grandma.


I am what I am…I am an A minor chord, black leather, late nights downtown in the city, dark, bitter chocolate, and cold white wine. I am the waning moon, a daughter of the Goddess; I am tarot cards and patchouli, long skirts and silver bracelets. I am standard poodles and wild alley cats. I am folk, blues, rock, and Rachmaninoff. I am contradictions.


I am what I am…I can wrap a harmony around any melody, dance the jitterbug, play several instruments and fake even more. I can grow vegetables, cook, write, teach, sew, knit, and kill and dress out a chicken or a fish. I even have a superpower that I can use for good or for evil, and yet I never think I’m enough. I always want more, please.


I am what I am…I was a little girl who was told she should be seen and not heard, but I don’t play by those rules any more. Now I am woman hear me roar*** and sing loudly, read my poems, tell dirty jokes and, yes, sit in silence. I am what I am and I will be seen and I will be heard and there is more to me than any one poem can hold.


* From Tom Romano's book Crafting Authentic Voice.
** Hey! I have an idea! You could try this exercise yourself and share your results in the comments here.
*** You have to sing this part really loud, even if you're a man.