When I went out on the porch to greet them, I noticed a package stuffed into the outside of the mail slot. I pulled it out and we went in out of the heat. I threw it on the chair.
Daughter: What's in the package?
Me: Oh, I think I know. Something I'll probably send back.
Daughter: You haven't even looked at it. What is it?
Me: Lingerie? I guess that's what you'd call it.
Daughter: Open it. Let me see.
Me: OK, but I really do think I'm going to send it back. (carefully opening the package and pulling out the contents.)
Daughter: (looking up from the couch where she's sitting with her newborn in her lap.) Wow! Mommers, did you order that? Is that leather?
Me: I ordered it a while ago. It just came.
Daughter: Try it on. Right now!
Me: Right here in the living room?....Ummmm.....I guess I can close the blinds. The baby is asleep, right?
Daughter: She might as well get used to you now. Just put it on and let's see what it looks like.
Me: OK, I will if I can figure out how to....how do I get into it? It looks too small.
Daughter: Unzip it.
Me: I don't think that will be enough. I have to do something else.
Daughter: Start there.
Me: OK, I got it but something else will have to be loosened. Don't you think it looks small?
Daughter: It's supposed to be tight. Don't pull the laces all the way out....that looks good. Try it now.
Me: (trying....) Oh, shit. I'm stuck.
Daughter: Stop! You've got it all kinked up.
Me: Kinked up? You think? I can't get it on like this.....shit...my head is stuck in the.....damn it....I can't get it off! Help me get this thing off!
Daughter: Where will I put the baby?
Me: (muffled) Put her on the couch.
Daughter: She might roll off.
Me: She can't roll! She can't even hold her head up. Lay her by the back of the couch and put a pillow beside her. Hurry up! I'm suffocating.
Daughter: (finally helping) Here, just let me loosen.....
Me: Let me take off my glasses......there...wait!....now just....
Daughter: I've got it....stop struggling. I need to loosen this some more.....
Me: I think a bone is caught in my hair.....Ouch! That hurts!
Daughter: Stop fighting me!
Me: I'm not fighting you....I'm....obviously it's too small....
Daughter: I've almost got it.....just hold your arms up.....there. It's off.
Me: Wow. I'm definitely sending that thing back.
Daughter: No, try it on first. You just didn't do it right.
Me: It's not going to do me much good if I can't get into it by myself. And once I do, I'll never get out of it and isn't the whole point to....
Daughter: Oh, look! It came with accessories.
Me: What the hell are those?
Daughter: These hook on here and....see?....and this is....
Me: Oh! I get it. No, I'm not going to be wearing that...accessory. That's definitely too small.
Daughter: You might if you ever get that on. Try it again.
Me: No......(holding it up and examining the problem) I might be able to pull it up from the bottom.
Daughter: That won't work.
Me: Yes, it will if I loosen this some more. Watch. (pulling it on from the bottom and fastening some...things....into place....success!)
Daughter: It's too big.
Me: Maybe if I do this....I measured.....let me get it zipped.
Daughter: You've lost weight.
Me: Not that much. I measured....twice.
Daughter: Well, it's too big....Don't do that! You can't do that with those laces.....Here, let me fix it....
Me: It's too big. It doesn't matter. I was going to send it back anyway. I only ordered it because...
Daughter: Why?
Me: Nevermind.
Daughter: Oh, you needed a reason?
Me: For leather? Yeah! It was just payback for something else... it was just a costume.
Daughter: It's not going to look like a costume if you get the right size. Send for one two sizes smaller and wear it out. Wear it when you ride your bike!
Me: Don't think so.
Daughter: Here, hold these up to your....
Me: I will never wear that, so don't get it close to my....
Daughter: You never know unless you try it.
Me: I have a vivid imagination.
Daughter: This is kind of weird, you know, that you're trying that on. And it's not fair. There's no way I could get into that, and it's too big for you, and you're 30 years older than me.
Me: Twenty years ago you weren't much older than that baby you're holding, and I couldn't have gotten into it then.
Daughter: Still not fair.
Me: I'm sending this back. You get to keep her forever. I think it's perfectly fair.
Daughter: Get one two sizes smaller.
Me: I don't need it now. It didn't arrive in time.
Daughter: You might want to keep one on reserve then.
Me: (getting dressed again) Hmmmm. You might have a point about that. I'd need help getting it on though. And off.
Daughter: That could be fun.
Me: Yes, it could. I'll think about it. Give me that baby now.
Baby.....and leather. Mmmm. Grandma smells good.
