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| A real thing. Photo credit: Reticula |
I was walking toward the entrance to Kohl's today when a woman walked out whose t-shirt read "Best _unt in the Universe." And I thought, Damn. What the hell would I have to do to make someone want to buy me a t-shirt that says I'm the best cunt in the universe? And how big would my balls have to be to wear such a t-shirt? And what does it really MEAN to be the best cunt in the universe? Is that a sexual category, and if so what are the criteria? Juiciness? Tightness? Depth? All of the above? Or is it a bad-ass category? Or does it maybe mean she's just a fucking hateful universal bitch of stellar magnitude? Also, what does it say about this overweight middle-aged woman whose face I can't even remember that she would wear such a declaration in public? Not just "I'm a cunt," but I'm the "BEST Cunt in the Universe"? (Emphasis all mine.) Way to own it, Cunt!
I also wondered if she'd just come from Walmart.
I'm not gonna lie: that fucking t-shirt made my rainy day. I made a mental note to check Amazon when I got home and order one for myself to wear while I watch Netflix, drink cold Chardonnay, and eat chips after my 6-year-old granddaughter Coraline goes to bed. Not the same as if someone actually thought of me and bought it for me, but a cunt doesn't care about shit like that. Not the BEST cunt anyway ....
And then she moved her arm slightly, and I could read the entire t-shirt: "Best Aunt in the Universe."
Oh. I had my hand up to give her a high five, but I covered my mouth and coughed instead. Nevermind, Aunt Cunt. You disappoint me, but keep on keepin' it classy.
Did I mention I have a big birthday coming up? More on that soon, along with my wish list.
