My granddaughter Coraline is 16 months old. Of course she’s
adorable and brilliant and smells as sweet as fairy sweat. A tiny Amazon in the
making. (If you're not a grandma just keep reading. I promise the rest of this won't cause a fucking sugar crash.)
She knows how to unlock and click around on an iPhone,
although she still hasn’t figured out how to unlock my Droid and I’m fine with
that. I know she’ll be reading my sexts texts soon enough.
 |
Your turn, Mamá
|
She can do some yoga: down dog, lift both legs, side plank. She
can’t do a bridge yet, but then, neither can I. Someday one of us will be able
to do a bridge, and it won’t be me unless something breaks. I've heard hip replacement can be costly.
She knows how to say a few words and understands thousands
more. If I ask her what a cow says, she replies, “Moo.” And last night when my
daughter Elvira asked her what Santa says she said ….. “Moo.” I suspect when
we ask her that next year when she’s two she’ll say, “Ho fucking ho, ho, ho. Next stupid
question?”
She knows a lot for having been on this planet just over a
year. But she’s tiny and soft and precious, so while I want her to learn and
experience as much as she can, I still want to protect her from every kind of
harm and bullshit.
A couple of weeks ago I was at Elvira’s house hanging out
with her and Coraline. Rock Dad was at work. One of their best friends – I’ll
call him James -- who is also one of Rock Dad’s bandmates, showed up early to
pick him up for band practice.
James is teaching Coraline German, so he talked to her for a
while in German. She responded with “Mama?”
When she decided she’d rather read a book instead, I sat
down in the recliner, pulled her up on my lap and read with her.
Eventually Rock Dad showed up, and after he did nobody else
existed for Coraline. Coraline is in a daddy’s girl phase. She won’t even go to
bed at night until he gets home, and then she’ll lie right down and go to
sleep. She just adores her daddy.
She jumped down off my lap and ran for the door as soon as
she heard him on the stairs. She grabbed onto his legs and tried to pull herself
up, shouting and giggling with delight, “Dada! Dada!”
He picked her up and gave her a hug and a toss, but he was
distracted. He didn’t want to keep James waiting, so he was hurrying around changing
clothes and getting ready to leave again.
Coraline was disappointed. In fact, she got a little bit
whiny when he went into the bedroom and closed the door. I tried to persuade
her to come back and read her book, but she was insulted that I would even
consider myself a decent substitute for Daddy. Elvira didn't measure up either.
James finally picked her up and brought her into the middle
of the living room to play, but her attention was on that bedroom door. To distract
her, he started spinning her in circles. Elvira and I both watched as he set
her down, and she drunkenly stumbled back toward the bedroom saying, “Dada?”
He grabbed her up and spun her again …. and she stumbled
sideways and roundabout toward the bedroom again. As he did it the third time,
I said quietly to Elvira, “That’s mean. I don’t like it.”
She watched Coraline for a few seconds and said, “She’s OK. She’s
laughing. Rock Dad does that with her sometimes, and she thinks it’s funny. She’ll
let him know if she doesn’t like it.”
I watched Coraline struggle to keep her balance and thought, Yeah, I used to laugh when my uncles held me
down on the floor and tickled me, but I sure as hell didn’t enjoy it. I wanted
to cry and throw up. I hated it, but I had to be a good sport or I’d get in
trouble. And what about those stupid birthday spankings? How much fun was that,
but we all laughed like we were supposed to. Nevertheless, I kept my mouth
shut and watched.
After the third time, Coraline wouldn’t go back to James for
more spinning. She was getting more desperate, crying for Rock Dad and trying
to open the bedroom door. James picked her up and brought her back to where her
toys were, but she refused to play and just kept crying and saying, “Dada. Dada.”
James held her in place by her shoulders and said, “Cori,
stop that! You’re being ridiculous. You’re a ridiculous little girl.”
I felt my face get hard. I started to get up, but then I sat
back down and watched. I have to remember I’m not the mom.
James tried to interest her in a toy again, but she refused
to play and pushed his hand away. He was obviously getting angry. “Cori,” he
said sternly, “stop being ridiculous and play with your toys like a good girl.
Nobody likes you when you act this way.”
I’m sure my eyebrows went clear up to my hairline. I had to
clench the arms of the recliner to keep myself in it, and my teeth to keep my
mouth shut. James is the oldest of 8 kids. He has plenty of experience with
children, but obviously little empathy.
Elvira pulled away from him and ran back toward the
bedroom door just as Rock Dad came out. He gave her a quick hug, kissed Elvira,
and they were gone. Coraline stood by the door and cried for a minute. Elvira
picked her up, snuggled her, and sat back down on the couch with so she could
nurse.
“Wow,” I said. “That was …." None of my fucking
business.
“What?” Elvira asked.
“That. The spinning. And then telling Coraline she’s
ridiculous for being understandably upset over Rock Dad coming home and then
leaving right away again.”
“I guess I didn’t notice,” Elvira said. “Sometimes James isn’t
very patient.”
“Maybe not, but I hate sitting here listening to a man tell
Coraline she’s being ridiculous and nobody will like her because her feelings
are inconvenient. That shit shouldn’t start before her second birthday. That
shit should never start.”
“I didn’t really think of it that way,” she said.
“That’s because you didn’t grow up with people telling you how
you should or shouldn’t feel. And that’s because you don’t allow Rock Dad to
tell you you’re being inconvenient when you’re angry or your feelings are hurt.
Of course Coraline was upset that her
daddy was leaving after he just got home. She missed him today. It makes sense that
she would cry. She is not ridiculous for feeling that way.
And by the way, I don’t like James very much right now.”
“No, you’re right. I was feeling kind of disappointed that
he was leaving already too,” Elvira admitted.
“She’s going to have plenty of people try to manipulate her
by telling her she’s ridiculous or silly because they don’t like that she’s
upset over something they did or are doing. It doesn’t need to start right here
in her own home while she’s still a baby. That fucks people up. She has a right
to her feelings.” Fortunately Elvira doesn’t mind my tirades lectures
road rage on the highway of life gentle reminders.
I looked at Coraline all snuggled up against her mom, a lock
of Elvira’s hair twisted through her tiny fingers, her eyes closed in relaxed comfort. I wished I could protect
her from every man who will ever tell her she’s ridiculous because she’s sad
that he’s leaving. Or because she’s angry that he lied. Or because she’s too excited.
Or … or … or … It broke my heart to know it had already happened to her while
she was still in diapers. God. Damn. It.
Maybe I’m too sensitive. Elvira certainly could have blown me off and
told me I was making a big deal out of nothing. That would be easier than
having to deal with the issue next time James or some other guy tells Coraline
she’s ridiculous.
Certainly in the culture I grew up in I would be considered ridiculous
myself for even noticing such a thing, much less making an issue of it. I can’t
remember all the times I heard, “Shut up or I’ll give you something to cry
about” -- often after I’d been spanked. Or an impatient, “Knock it off. You’re
just trying to get attention.” Or, “You’re being silly. Stop it.”
And do you remember what happened if a boy dared to cry about something at school?
Maybe things have changed, but when I was a kid, nobody ever forgot the boy who
cried. Pussy.
Children’s feelings were inconvenient, possibly disgusting,
even when they were simply a normal reaction to being disappointed or hurt or
hit. It was OK that I cried when I fell on the merry-go-round and my front
teeth went through my lip, but if anyone had known I’d cried over the way Cindy treated me, my reputation – such as it was -- would have hit the dirt.
In fact, I still struggle with this sometimes, as an adult middle-aged
woman. I still engage with people – particularly men – who get angry because
they don’t like that my feelings are hurt, or that I’m angry, or both – even when it’s
the only reasonable response to the situation.
I have stories!
But I’m not going to tell them. This is Coraline’s story.
“Next time I probably won’t just sit here and listen to
that,” I said. “Just to warn you. I can’t do it again. Coraline’s too little to
defend herself from what I consider subtle emotional abuse.” Famous
last words.
********
Yesterday as we were driving to the grocery store Elvira
said, “Oh, I forgot to tell you. Guess what happened the next time James came over,
after that time you were there.”
“I kind of hate to imagine,” I said.
“No, you’ll love this,” she said. “Coraline wouldn’t have
anything to do with him. She wouldn’t go near him; she wouldn’t even look at
him. Clearly she was angry with him.”
“You’re kidding,” I said. “Good for her.” I knew it wasn’t
just a clingy phase, because she’d met a male friend of mine at my house just a
few days earlier and wasn’t a bit shy. Besides, she’s known James since she was
born. “So what happened?”
“He asked me why she was being so standoffish. I told him it
was because he was such an asshole to her the last time he was here she doesn’t
like him anymore.”
“God, I love you. How did he take that? Did he tell her she
was being ridiculous?"
“No, he apologized to her. And then she seemed to forgive
him and was friendly to him again.”
“Wow,” I said, because I’ve got this great big vocabulary and
everything. “Just wow. How did she understand that? At her age? It’s not like
he yelled at her or scared her or anything.”
“I don’t know,” Elvira said. “But she wasn’t having anything
to do with him until he apologized. She’s never done that with him before.”
“She couldn’t have understood what we were talking about
that day ….. could she?”
Elvira shrugged. “She understands a lot.”
No shit!
And I … well, it may sound ridiculous but I almost wanted to cry. With joy. I had to make an
intentional choice to change that way of thinking in both my parenting and in
the way other people interacted with my kids. It was hard, especially the years
they were in school.
And yet, here’s my granddaughter at 16 months handing out
her own set of consequences after a man tells her she’s ridiculous. Smack fucking down! She may not
be able to talk, but she got her point across. I will not let you on my island unless you respect me.
 |
| Maybe ridiculous |
And Elvira was there to give her just enough verbal
reinforcement, which she only needs until she can articulate it herself.
My girls! One thing they are not is ridiculous. I am in awe of their power and their innate knowledge of how to use it.
What about you? Anybody ever call you silly or ridiculous
because you were honest about your feelings? Were you able to resolve the
situation, or do you still carry that hurt somewhere inside?
