Tuesday, September 4, 2012

I bike for cookies

My Christmas list is getting longer, and it's only September. This t-shirt goes at the top of the list though, and I have very good reasons for wanting it. OK, only one reason. First, here's the t-shirt.

 And if you read this article, "No Sex Necessary: Women have orgasms at the Gym....," I'm sure you'll make the connection. If I get this shirt, I'll be out there having orgasms while I ride my bike! W00t!

Oh, don't really read the article. It's kind of stupid. It's about a study somebody did with a terribly small sample of women who get their cookies through working out. That's right. Exercise can cause orgasms. In women. Some women. Some very lucky women. Some women I would probably hate if I knew them, the bitches, because this is even worse than being a skinny bitch. This is being a cookies-at-will bitch.

Get this: 19% of the women who reported having exergasms said it happened while they were on a bike! ON A BIKE! I had no idea this was possible.

I want a bikookie. I want a cyclegasm. I want to come on my bike, and I'm not talking about arriving. The only problem is that it hasn't ever happened.

So you know that saying that goes something like, "Did that; got the t-shirt"? Maybe it works in reverse! Maybe I could get the t-shirt first and then the "did that" part would just spontaneously happen. Got the t-shirt; orgasmed on my bike.

The only downfall -- if you could even say there is one -- is that some of these women said they felt embarrassed when it happened. I can imagine if it happened at the gym, among a bunch of muscle-bound weight lifters, it could be embarrassing. Maybe. Like I'd fucking care.

But it's not the same as if it happened to a man, right? That would be so obvious, even I'm embarrassed thinking about it, and I've never gotten a hard-on at the gym. I don't think I've ever seen a man get a hard-on at the gym, and I would notice.

No, I wouldn't be embarrassed at all. I'd just time the "aahh's" to coincide with whatever I was doing. Situps for example. 10 .... mmmm .... 11 .... aah ..... 12 ... ah ah ..... 13 ..... ah ah AH ...... 14 AAAHHH .... 15 ..... mmmmm .....16 ....fuck 16. Even if one of those muscle-heads figured out what was going on, I can't imagine he'd mind, although there could be a rush for the showers.

But on a bicycle, nobody would have to know. Out there on the bike trail, it's often just me and the geese and the people I zip past going 17 mph the other direction. And passing going the same direction? "Coming up on your left!" I'd be yards away before they heard me scream.

So, the bottom line is that I need this t-shirt. And I think Christmas might be too late. I need it now, before cold weather sets in. I need it now while I'm looking at my bike leaned up against the fireplace over there looking all sexy and ready and thinking about taking it to bed with me tonight.

Tell the truth (you can be anonymous here): Have you ever experienced exercise-induced orgasms?

*Same disclaimer as always: I don't get paid for writing about products. It really is all about my Christmas list and cookies.


  1. I sometimes get uncontrollable giggles when I'm at the end of a tough free weight set. Is that close?

    1. That's called a pre-cookie, Roujo. It's what you get when you're deciding whether you want to go for the big O or not.

  2. The summer I was 10 I rode my bike a lot. Fast. Downhill. Over and over again. Sometimes I forgot to look where I was going. It was a couple years yet before I learned that that excitement had a name, or that boys could be involved. Sometimes I think I should have just kept riding my bike, and left the boys alone.

    1. I think I can speak for most women and say I'm seriously jealous, Anon. I wouldn't have gotten off my bike long enough to meet a boy.

    2. The next summer, we moved to the big city. No more rides out on the hills by the lake. Streets filled with cars trying to hit me crumbled the cookies, alas.

      Don't be too jealous. I've spent most of my life being distracted by desire. "More cookies!"

    3. What a sad end to the cookies.

      Cookies are a lovely distraction. Who doesn't want just one more? And another? And another? ;-)

  3. I have an orgasm like feeling when I do yoga.