A vagina is like the weather....

Photograph: Daniel Berehulak / Getty

"A vagina is like the weather. Once it's wet, it's time to go inside."

Some guy named Ted tweeted that. Unfortunately for Ted and for his followers, it's the only funny thing he's said on Twitter. In fact, I only followed him for about 5 minutes. But it's still the best vagina quote of the year. (This is not a direct quote. I fixed a typo. Sometimes people pay me for that, but Ted gets a freebie because I'm not linking to his Twitter ..... because he's not really funny.)

Speaking of vaginas, I found a yummy treat that is bound to come in handy at some point during my 10 Dates, 10 Men™ project. It's called a Pussy Lolly. That's right, a Pussy Lolly. A coochie candy. A sugar taco. A labia lollypop.

Doesn't that sucker look delicious? Who wouldn't want to eat one? OK, it's not chocolate, but it's still  unnaturally pink and pretty and shiny.

And yet I was thinking these lollipops might serve a higher purpose, as either a way of sorting the men who don't know when to come in out of the rain or as a training device for those who brought an impressive umbrella and just need to know when to put on a slicker.

So my plan is that I'll buy a 6-pack -- just to be optimistic. And when or if I meet someone who makes the storm clouds gather, I'll give him a vagina-on-a-stick and invite him to indulge himself.


That's not too obvious, is it?

Seriously, I think I could tell a lot about a person's technique by how he ate one of these. If he licks away the right spot, he's a contender to hook up with Queen Frostine and move on to the Candy Castle. In fact, he might even earn himself a 23-karat gold-washed Pussy Lolly (but only if he pays for it himself).

For the guy who shows real promise, but doesn't quite lick the spot ... Hmmmm. I guess we could always use it as a lolly-lingual trainer. That could be fun.

A guy who licks the edges but never gets to the center ... nope. A guy who slurps all over it like a fucking Labrador retriever .... ick. A guy who licks the back .... uh, no. A guy who bites off a piece and chews it .... fuck no, pussy cruncher. A guy who won't .... Ha! Ha! Next!

Feeling sorry for the loser licker? I'm not. He got a sweet pink consolation prize to take home with him. Maybe he could continue to practice and try again another time.

Probably not though. I'm thinking it's a one Lolly Pussy per customer kind of deal. But we can still be friends.