Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Snippet from band practice: disposal stories

I know. It's not really a band practice; it's a band rehearsal. But who ever says, "I've got band rehearsal" and maintains any level of cool at all? Nobody. It's fucking band practice and semantics be damned.

Yes, I really wrote that.

And now the snippet.

Reticula: [The band sits around my dining room table taking a break.] I had a really weird dream last night. It was the middle of the night -- in my dream, I mean -- and I walked into a kitchen, heard scrabbling in the sink, and realized a mouse was trapped in one side of the sink. I was trying to figure out how to get it out of there, and it started jumping, trying to get out. So I thought about getting something to put over the sink so it couldn't jump out and run around the rest of the house pooping everywhere. I thought about getting a big piece of mat board to cover the sink, but then I realized it wouldn't solve the problem to just trap it there. I needed to kill it. So I wondered how I could get it to go into the garbage disposal and .....

Joe: It takes longer than you think.

Chicken Grrrl: Euwwww. You killed a mouse in a garbage disposal?

Joe: No, I didn't say that. I just said it takes longer than you think to kill something with a garbage disposal.

Reticula: I thought it seemed like a humane enough way to dispose of a rodent. How long could it take? They have tiny bones.

Joe: I'm telling you it takes longer than you think. I have experience with killing animals. Remember we had rabbits and I froze one and roasted the other .... I didn't mean to do that.

Reticula: Yeah, but you didn't put them in the garbage disposal did you? Tell me you didn't do that .... 

Joe: No, they were already dead. I didn't need to.

Chicken Grrrl: This is so gross. Just tell us what you killed in a garbage disposal. I hope it wasn't a mammal.

Joe: It was a plecostomus. 

Chicken Grrrl: What the hell is a plecostomus?

Reticula: It's a sucker fish. It sucks the algae off the sides of an aquarium.

Joe: Yeah, and they get really big. And I think it somehow got rid of all the other fish. It had to die.

Reticula: They get as big as the aquarium size allows, but they don't hurt other fish.

Joe: I don't know about that, but this one got big and it was the last one left. [Pause for a sip of cheap wine.] I think maybe I just got tired of taking care of the aquarium so it had to go. The point is it takes longer than you think.

Reticula: I had one get really big and I just took it to a pet store and they were glad to take it. Some people are looking for bigger fish ....

Joe: Oh. I guess I didn't consider that option. Like I said though, it takes longer than you think.

Reticula: Even when I woke up I couldn't think of a better way to take care of the problem. It had to be the garbage disposal. It would be pretty quick, wouldn't it? I mean the death?

Joe:  I'm telling you, it takes longer than you think.

[Chicken Grrrl: Head on table.]

Reticula: What the hell would you have done with a mouse that was trying to jump out of the sink? You can't just pick up a mouse with your hands. That would be worse than the garbage disposal.

Joe: I'm just saying ....

Reticula: I know. It takes longer than you think.

Joe: Should I tell you about the vicious hamster now?

Chicken Grrrl: That box of wine isn't empty, is it? I need another glass before we start practicing again.

Mmm. Richard Gere.
(source: imdb.com)
Note: Because this is a snippet, I didn't include the discussion we had about how people put gerbils up their poop chutes for sexual pleasure. Or rather about how Dan Savage says nobody really does that before he describe how people would do it if they did do it. Somehow that's worse than putting a live mouse or plecostomus in a garbage disposal. I'll sum it up by saying it takes longer than you think to safely set a gerbil loose in your ass. Safe for you, I mean. The gerbil was never safe once it was destined to travel up in somebody's colon.

(Also, no matter what you've heard. Richard Gere did not put a gerbil in his ass. That is an urban legend.)


  1. I don't know, I'm pretty sure Richard Gere confirmed that story to TMZ.

    1. Well, damn it. I posted a reply to you earlier and it didn't show up. Anyway, welcome back, Vapor. I've missed you.

      I'm certain Richard Gere did NOT confirm this story. I promise you this: If I ever meet up with him and he tries to talk about gerbils (because he has read my blog, duh!), I will silence him with a kiss and then I will say, "Shut up about the damn gerbil, Richard Gere. It's very hard to adore a man like I adore you when I'm imagining a gerbil up your ass. Let it go." (I don't mean literally let it go....)

    2. Thanks for the welcome back!We just got wifi here a couple days ago so now I can catch up on all the important things, like your blog.

    3. And see how lazy I've been ....

  2. According to TMZ, Richard Gere thinks Sylvester Stallone started the rumor:


    I don't know about gerbils, but I know people put all kinds of weird crap up their asses. There's a metaphor for life in there somewhere, but I'm not in the mood to dig in there to find it.

    1. Ha! Ha! Crap up their asses....dig in there. Did you really mean to write that?

      It's true people do insert a variety of objects into their anal orifices, but the things they'd have to do to the gerbil before inserting it would turn most people off too much to complete the act. They don't have to dismember a watermelon or a light bulb or even a GI Joe (although he should not be carrying a bayonet).

      I'm not sure how that works anyway. Some people just wake up in the morning and think, Hmmmm. I'm going to dig my old GI Joe out of that box in the attic and see how it feels in my ass. Maybe tomorrow I'll try a watermelon.... Is that a plausible scenario? Anybody with experience want to chime in here?

    2. lol! Have you ever been in the butt plug section of an adult toy store? The SIZE of some of those things! I cannot even imagine. Shocking, really.

    3. I have seen them. The butt plug section in the Hustler superstore is enormous. Who needs that many choices when there are hardware stores and produce sections to satisfy the urges?

    4. Ha, I used to work in a hospital in surgery and the variety of butt plugs there was staggering.

  3. I remember reading about this Yogi who claimed that he had such mastery over the workings of his body that he could reverse the digestive process and put food in his ass and shit out his mouth. Are you fucking kidding me??? I bet everyone loves old shit mouth Yogi in his village.

    Speaking of "are you fucking kidding me", is it even humanly possible to put a watermelon up your ass? I mean, maybe a zucchini or possibly a squash but a watermelon!

    1. I don't have personal experience with putting a watermelon up my ass or anybody else's ass, but surely the only proper ass-stuffing watermelon is one of those smaller, personal-size watermelons.

      As for that yogi, I want proof. The order of operations for the digestive process does not seem reversible. He may think he can control his body, but he can't control my disbelief.