Friday, May 31, 2013

National Masturbation Month: the final day

I'm sure you all know today is the last day you are officially permitted to play with your genitals. Yes, we should all observe a moment of silence at midnight tonight to honor the end of National Masturbation Month ..... followed by an ah .... ah .... ah .... aaaahhhhh.

Masturbation has gotten a lot of exposure this month on blogs and in the news. You can't miss it, so I suspect you've probably been as busy as I have celebrating. I wanted to write something here sooner about it, but it's so hard (that's what she said) to write with one hand. I even tried using my feet, but I just couldn't concentrate long enough to .... uh oh ..... oh yeah .... Be right back .......

Oh .... yeah. That felt good. Anyway .... 

I honestly don't see what all the fuss is about. Sure we teach kids not to wank in public, and that seems fair, especially for guys. So messy. But otherwise, why should anybody else give a shit if you're enjoying your own pleasure zone? I just don't get it.

Oh, yeah. That's going to work.
None of the reasons make sense to me, including the threat of hell. Spilling the seed? There's more where that came from. (Came from. Get it?) Pleasure is bad? Really? Fuck that. I'll have a steak and a glass of good chardonnay with my orgasm. Women can't be controlled if they have orgasms ..... Grrr. Say that to my face, you fucking misogynist. No, really. My face is up here. My lady bits are none of your fucking business unless I invite you to partake of their wondrous delights.

Fortunately I can't be fired for saying I think people should masturbate. But I will say it and I have. Even to my own kids.

I gave my son 3 reasons to masturbate: 1. To let off steam so he wouldn't be tempted to engage in sexual activities he wasn't ready for or that might be unsafe. 2. To learn how to control his orgasm because not enough men can. And 3. because it feels really good and, unlike going to the movies or playing World of Warcraft, it doesn't cost a dime.

And my daughter? Yep, she got 3 reasons too. 1. To let off steam so she wouldn't be tempted to engage in sexual activities she wasn't ready for or that might be unsafe.  2. Because a woman needs to get to know her own body and her own response before she can guide her lover to the right spot. And 3. because it feels really good and you don't have to sleep in a wet spot.

Look, I realize National  Masturbation Month is the Hallmark holiday of a large sex toy store, Good Vibrations. But the fact that so many people had to write about it and titter about it and create e-greeting cards about it means we still haven't blown our wad on the topic.

I really don't get it. When there are so many real stigmas in the world to concern ourselves with -- Coke, car emissions, polar bears, obesity, Justin Bieber, guys who wear their pants under their butts -- why should any of us care if somebody else is having fun with his cock or her clit? Why?

I guess I'm luckier than a lot of people. My parents didn't tell me not to do it nor did they tell me to do it. They didn't tell me anything, including the names for my lady bits. I didn't realize I had a vagina until that hot summer day when I wanted to go swimming and I had to learn how to insert a tampon. There were no words in our vocabulary for what I had down there. Not one.

The Methodist church, at least at that time, apparently didn't have an opinion because I don't remember bringing home any Sunday school papers with warnings about the dangers of masturbation nor do I remember any sermons about the topic. I probably could have stayed awake of the minister had talked about jerking off. Then again, if he had talked about it, he would have had to talk about it. Better to act like things like vaginas and orgasms don't exist.

So how about you? Did you masturbate this month? You've got one more day if you want to stick to the official calendar.  Better take advantage of it. You  know the wank bank doesn't earn interest, right?

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