Friday, April 4, 2014

Is that an electric eel in your pants or .....

Here's a product I find rather shocking. If I understand the video right, these guys learned about a challenge issued by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation for someone to design a sexier condom, a "next generation condom."A condom that men would want to wear. They're willing to pay $1 million to the winner.

Go, Bill and Melinda! I would give anything to have so much money I could afford to offer a million bucks to someone for designing a fucking condom. I mean it.

So the first thing these guys thought of was running electrified thread through a condom. You know ..... because the reason men don't like to wear condoms is because normal condoms don't shock their dicks.

They don't share the results of their tests of this electrified condom, but I have a theory about it. See, men usually wear condoms to have sex with women. And I'm guessing most women don't want an electric cock shocking up there inside her vagina during sex. I had the irresistible urge to cross my legs just writing that. Not all women would, of course. Somebody inevitably would like an electrified wiener. Every kink has a kinkster. But most women won't find the whole electric shock therapy for the genitals an improvement over a plain condom. Because while men complain that condoms dull their experience, I'm guessing most women don't like to plug their vaginas into the AC.

Probably the same goes for gay men and their sensitive interior cavities. A man should always ask before he electrifies his partner's ass.

So .... from what I understand the design changed and now the electric penis shocker Electric Eel is more like a remote-controlled penis-shocking hoodie. A garment that is certainly not designed to enter a vagina -- any more than an eel is. (No jokes about fishy smells please.) A garment that probably doesn't do anything to encourage men to put jackets on their penises, but was approved, according to the inventors, by "various sexes."

The video shows one of those various sexes -- I would call him male -- experiencing the electric shocks to the underside of his penis. At least that's the implication. We don't get to actually see his hoodie-wearing penis, which is probably crimson with shame and glad for the hoodie. We just see his face as somebody jolts him with a few random volts over and over.

Charging! Clear!  beep beep beep beep

Let's go back to the original challenge. The Gates Foundation wants a condom that doesn't interfere with men's sexual pleasure. So these guys think electrifying the condom will give a guy the feel of a real vagina?

That's flattering I suppose, but powerful as vaginas are, they don't work by electrocuting men's penises. How would women even take baths if that were the case?

And a hoodie definitely isn't an improvement over a condom. That's just stupid.

Maybe I'm not meant to get this. For $350 an interested investor could have purchased a hand-made Electric Eel through the Indigogo campaign. Unfortunately they only raised $1750 of the $10,000 they wanted to raise, and only 2 people purchased the hand-made Electric Eel. I can't say I'm surprised.

First, this is what an electric eel actually looks like. I can speak for all women except that one exception and say that no woman wants an electric eel in her vagina giving off even low-voltage shocks. This is not sexy -- even in a hoodie. Especially in a hoodie.

And second, why spend $350 when you can get the same effect from putting on a pair of wool socks, shuffling your feet on the carpet and getting a static electric shock from the top of your dog's head or a filing cabinet or even a real live woman?

Or maybe just buy one of those trick hand-buzzers and rock onto Electric Avenue. I know more women who would be willing to put that buzzer on and shock the monkey.

I dunno. I'm not surprised this one didn't get the money. There's such a thing as trying too hard.

And then there's such a thing as trying to make an electric eel condom. That's in an entirely different category of "You're not Bill Gates. You should have stayed in school."

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