The weight of COVID-19

I'm so jealous of people in movies and on TV shows. They go to bars and sit close on bar stools. They go on cruises and cross-country trips. They eat in restaurants and choose how their steaks are cooked and sample the wine. They cuddle up with each other on the couch, and even though I can literally remember the exact day I last did that with someone other than Coraline (my 9-year-old granddaughter who lives with me), I can barely remember how it feels. I know I will never do it again with that person, but I really hope I will do it with someone again some day. They meet new lovers and have one-night stands, and honestly, I haven't done that in literally decades, a one-night stand, but I still want the fucking option, because now I wish I'd done it more often. (OK, I also wish I could guarantee the sex would be at the very least acceptable, and at the best good, and we all know that's not usually true for women, and that's why I didn't do it often, but I digress .... except to say, I suppose it could happen and now I'll never know.) And they have family dinners around a big table where they laugh and fight and maybe they drink too much, but they always compliment the cook. They put their heads together when they laugh, and they touch each others hands tenderly. They ride in cars together. And, oh my god, they hug. And kiss. I can hardly bear to watch two people sharing a first kiss. I mean, it was hard enough before, but at least it was a possibility before.

When I think of all the times I've taken spontaneous physical closeness for granted ... I wonder if I ever will again. Assuming, of course, I will ever experience it again.

In real life I see people acting like the pandemic doesn't exist and I think, fuck it. Why should I give up some of the best human interactions when odds say I won't get that sick even if I get it. I'm a woman. I have type O blood. I'm in pretty good shape, and I'm not that far into the dangerous age group. Yes, I could stand to lose some weight, but I don't have any health issues. Why shouldn't I hug my 2-year-old grandson who cries because he can't come into my house and hang out with me? We miss snuggling up on the couch, reading books and watching Youtube videos of trains. Why shouldn't I hug my son when I see him? Why shouldn't I have a big karaoke party like I do every other summer, with the windows open and the wine flowing, and the songs sung until the wee hours of the next morning? I could be dead in 2 months anyway, because Coraline is in a situation with people who refuse to social distance, and I can't prevent it. Will I die having never hugged my baby grandson again? Or my son? Or my close friends, who are my chosen family?

My friend Jay told me tonight about a former colleague who's been on a ventilator since some time in July. He recently succumbed to the virus. He was 49 years old. What would he have given for one more hug from his wife or husband, if he had one? Or his kids? His mother? And if more people had taken this seriously months ago, would he still be alive? If other people weren't so fucking selfish, would he still be alive?

That's what I come back to every time I have the urge to say, "Fuck this shit. I'm going to live my life. We're all going to die anyway..." I come back to all the people who wouldn't be dead now, and who wouldn't be permanently disabled or chronically ill, if we'd had leadership who followed the protocols that kept us safe from other deadly incurable viruses, like Ebola. I'll bet if you live in the US you don't know anybody who died from Ebola. If all of us had followed those protocols for COVID-19 and done our duty as good citizens of the country, the world, and put up with just a couple of months of sheltering in ... 

But we didn't. And I can't take risks that might have disastrous consequences for my family and friends just because I miss life as it was. I'm not that selfish. Or maybe I'm just not a sociopath. I can't keep all of them safe .... actually, as of this week I can't keep any of them safe. But I can do everything I can to make myself safe around them and to keep myself safe, because there are people who depend on me and even who care if I'm OK.

As for the people who won't, fuck them. And if it's you, fuck you. Safety needs are the second tier on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Way below, and thus more important than, eating at a restaurant and drinking beer at a bar. Way below graduation parties and birthday parties and sports and packing into elevators.

I hope I'm preaching to the choir here. I hope you're pumping your fist in agreement and wishing you could hug me, but choosing not to. I hope you're able to keep yourself and your family safe, because I know a lot of people have to work among selfish sociopaths who refuse to cover their snotty noses. (I had to go to court twice last week, and I saw a lot of people showing their stupid noses and refusing to cover their ugly faces.) And I know a lot of you can't keep your children home and safe for various reasons. It's really hard when you want to protect them and you can't.

None of this is easy. But if you're just choosing not to do the best you can because you can't be inconvenienced by a deadly virus, then fuck you. Put on a mask and grow the fuck up. Stay 6 feet apart and grow the fuck up. If my 9-year-old granddaughter can do it, because she doesn't want to make one of her friends or family members sick, so can you.

That was an entire digression. I'm bringing it back. Has anybody else struggled with watching people on TV and in movies? Have you shouted at the screen, "Back up! Six feet! Where's your fucking mask, you moron? People are going to die because of you!" I mean, can anybody even enjoy porn any more? This fucking virus has ruined everything!

Stay safe and stay well, my friends.