Justify

After a long day of helping my co-teacher's sophomores rehearse the skit they wrote for their performance tonight, grading papers, teaching classes, rehearsing some more, eating pizza, selling baked goods, clapping and snapping for the freshmen and sophomore writers, cleaning up, going to an afterparty at a downtown artist's loft, drinking Chardonnay, eating good dark local chocolate ... OK just a taste of smooth expensive tequila .... OK, maybe one more taste because that's so smooth, Susan Tedeschi singing "Angel from Montgomery" leads to Van Morrison and then Charlie Parker, and finally it's after 1:00 am and I'm so glad I only live a few blocks away, because I'm so fucking tired .... and fuck me, I still have to write tonight.

I open a bag of lime and black pepper chips, because fuck my diet, it was blown with the pizza I ate with my students at 6:00 this evening. What the fuck am I going to write about tonight on Dating Tuesday when the fact is I don't even date? I dunno .... I'll take this Facebook quiz while I procrastinate. What song should be my sex anthem? I answer honestly; I always do. The quiz answers:

We'll let this song and video speak for itself. Go ahead, watch it.

Yup. Borderline porn. Right? This ridiculously sexy song via one of the sexiest women to ever make music does a great job putting your loins into perspective. The song itself is hot, it'll make you blush. But its not TOO hot. "Justify My Love" is all about being sexy for the right reasons, and being confident in your abilities. So while you may be more adventurous (and public) than most, you're also a class act in the end. And what's sexier than that?

I dunno. Maybe there's something to these quizzes. Madonna and I were born within three weeks of each other. And when it comes to dating here's where I stand: I'm the best woman I've ever been. Ever. I can justify that. I don't want to be alone, but at this point in my life, anybody who comes close had better be able to justify my love. Otherwise, I'll just wait for the next adventure.

I dare you to watch this video and not want .... something. Oh, Madonna, you are a sexy, sexy beast.

Dating Tuesday: Charles and Star

Today is Dating Tuesday. And in dating news today, Charles Manson is going to marry a 26-year-old. He's 80 years old, and in case you've been sleeping under a tree for 40 years, he's the most famous lunatic of the 20th century, and he's been locked up since the 70's for ordering his cult to murder people, including a pregnant actress. The whole thing was bloody and horrifying by standards of the time, and he wasn't even there, but everybody knows it was his fault.

And now he's marrying a 26-year-old who calls herself Star  and who, other than the X she carved into her forehead to match the swastika carved on his, is a pretty young woman who could probably get a date with someone who's not the age of her great-great grandfather. If she wanted to.

Single people all over the world shared the same thought when they heard the news of this announcement: What the fucking fuck? Charles fucking Manson can get a date in prison, and I can't! What the fuck is wrong with this world? Would I fare better in prison? Do I have to start a cult to get a date in this helter skelter world?

Good fucking question, and one I asked myself too. What does Charles Manson have that I don't? I mean besides that swastika scar front and center in his Botox area.

Let me be clear about one thing: This is not about getting laid. That's not what I mean when I talk about dating. I can get laid any time I want to -- although mostly by married or partnered people. I choose not to .... for reasons of self-preservation. It's not about getting laid for him either, because Charles Manson can't get laid. Or at least not by his youthful fiance. It's against the rules. He gets one hug at the beginning of a visit and one after. Like a first date ... or like I would imagine a first date might go. It's been a while.

I'm also not saying I want to date Charles Manson. Obviously I'm too old for him. I'm used to that though. I'm too old for most men who don't live in a nursing home, and the best I can do is try not to be bitter about it.

I certainly don't want to get married. Not to Crazy Charlie or anybody else. That's the last thing I need. I'm not looking for a commitment when mere honesty is so rare.

It's just that in my secret heart -- and please don't tell anybody I said this -- I would like to date, but the obstacles seem insurmountable. My friends say I'm choosy, and they don't blame me, especially given my past experiences. It's true. I'm not going to get involved with someone who's obviously not right for me just so I can go on a date -- not even so I can write about it here. People's feelings are at stake -- mine being the most important to me.

Well intentioned friends and strangers assure me, with all of the naivete at their disposal, that there's somebody for everybody. And thus, by the rules of "glass half full" logic, somebody is out there for me, and it's only a matter of time before he finds me or I find him. My problem, of course, is that I'm not sending enough positive energy out into the world to attract him to me. I'm letting my past experiences interfere with my use of attraction magic. If I were doing my part by ignoring all the evidence and believing hard enough in this mythical man, I too would be enjoying a healthy, happy relationship like Star and Charlie do.

I'm rambling tonight. I ramble when I talk or write about dating, because I don't want to sound bitter or upset any of you with my pessimism. My friends love to hope for me. Hope that my Charlie is out there and that he will someday find me and make me into a couple again. Because it would be so nice for everybody if I were half of a couple again. But that's another post.

Congratulations, Charles Manson, you sexy old beast you. You've proven without a doubt that the dating world is an insane asylum, and I'm better off buying a dog and creating an imaginary boyfriend who is only attached to me. But if you ever write a dating book, I'll be first in line to buy it, because obviously you've got this shit figured out, old man. If only I had your charisma.

Dating Tuesday: Craigslist winners

I've decided to add a little organization to the disorganization that is my writing life. I'm going to set aside certain days to write about certain topics. I already observe most Wordless Wednesdays. Now I'm going to add Feminist Friday, Vagina Sunday, and Dating Tuesday. Dating Tuesday starts today.
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One day, my daughter Elvira caught me looking at the personal ads on Craigslist. Apparently the Craigslist personal ads are the equivalent of picking up men at the local strip club. It's something one doesn't do -- especially if one is Elvira's mother.

"Mother!" she said in her most scandalized voice. "Have you been looking at Craigslist to find dates? What the hell is the matter with you!?"
"Oh, don't worry," I said. "I have no intention of ever dating. I didn't find a single not-disgusting man there, but look at this ....."
"Mooootthhhheeeer! You do not find men on Craigslist. Only losers post on Craigslist."
"I don't know why that would be true. I sold a couch and a guitar on Craigslist. That doesn't make me a loser."
"Finding a date on there does though. Stop looking at Craigslist. Please. Just. Stop."
"I have noticed a lot of photos of penises on there. Do men think women comparison shop for penises? Is that a thing?"
"That's why you have to stop looking at Craigslist right now."
"But I think they're ...."
"No."
"But ..."
"No."
"I wasn't going to ...."
"Just no."

I learned a lesson that day: Close the Craigslist tab when Elvira is coming over. She gets way too upset about what I consider to be a mildly addictive interest in the men who live in the bottom of the dating bog. In case you wondered, the bottom of the bog is teaming with life. Low, bottom-feeding life.

While I realize you could peruse the Craigslist personals yourself, let me save you from the ignominy and share with you a few of my favorites from an hour of clicking on the ads of middle-aged hopefuls. Please note: I am not changing any spelling or punctuation, hard as that is to not do. Also, I'm not sharing any dick pics. Get your own. There are plenty on Craigslist.

roller coaster riders 

 body : averageheight : 5'6" (167cm) kids, have : twostatus : widowed

my wife died about two years ago, and left me with two children and a dog. One is a college student now, the other in high school. I have a season's pass to king's island, and a child who rollercoasts with me when available, but with band camp coming up soon, i will lose that connection on many days. If You are a disease free roller coaster rider let's get together and have some fun.

This guy seems pretty smart, doesn't he? Now I'm not a roller coaster rider. In fact, I became pale and nauseous when I rode the Scooby Doo roller coaster with Elvira when she was three. But if I did ride roller coasters, I too would want to ride with people who were disease free, because that's even more important than emptying your pockets.

Oh. Is riding the roller coaster a metaphor for something? Moving on.
*****

looking for a lady that would want to move in

body : heavy status : divorced

Mature man looking for a lady that would be interested in moving in with me. Would rather you not smoke, drink or drug. This is country living. A child or two is ok if you are a younger lady. If you need a pic your pic gets mine. I also have HSV 2 so it would be better if you did too or your not afraid of it. Also when I have a HSV breakout which is rare it is on my face so you know where my face has been. Looking for a life long partner.

I have to wonder if this guy stops at his local saloon and says to the bartender, "Hey, Chester. I guess you can tell where my face has been. Ha! Ha!" Yeah, I'd move my kids in with this guy. Sure. Let's go find him, Elvira ..... Elvira?

do you have bunions? - m4w

Any lady suffer from bunions. If so, I would like to speak with you. Just have a few questions about it. Please email if interested.

It's not easy finding bunions for your wank bank, but Craigslist is where I would start too.
*****

matuer shughar baabie ? 40

Respectful white male is looking for a small to average size female who can hopefully see me at her place for regular visits. I am looking for a young Lady who may be a student, working woman, or a single mom who is having a tough time. If you have never done this before but would be open to explore the opportunity, we should talk. You will find me to be very patient and a perfect gentleman in all respects. Very discreet. If you are interested please send a full length picture & how to contact you. Please put "New to this" in your reply . Please don't be afraid to at least send a reply so we can just talk. Thank you.

Does this really say "I'm 40, married, and looking for a young, vulnerable woman who is not a prostitute whom I can pay for sex"? Yeah, I thought so. Classy.

One of the reasons the Craigslist ads are so discouraging is because a high percentage of them are married men who are looking for the fuck their wives don't give. They want someone who can meet them mornings at her house. They're looking for young women -- 20 or more years younger than they are -- for weekly trysts, and they will pay an "allowance." No, I'm not really surprised. You'll note a thread of cynicism in my dating posts for good reasons.

*****

Looking for local lover for my 8" 

looking for someone to hang out with, smoke weed, drink beer/wine and enjoy each others company in and out of bed. Married is welcome but no niggers or real fat white pigs

I wavered about sharing this one, but lots of vile assholes post on Craigslist. Nothing remarkable about this guy in comparison. I really hope he never reproduced. This might be what Elvira is talking about. The next one is a long one -- longer than 8".
*****

The boldest ad ever - Will you marry me, today

That's right, this is a proposal for marriage.

I'm a 6'1" tall, 270 pound white male with an afro and glasses, I work for about $22K a year, drive a beat up 12 year old ford, and don't have a lot in this world, but I have a lot more than I did when I was 18. I served in the Navy, was almost married once, and I have never had children. I do not like big social crowds so I feel very uncomfortable in bars and social spots. I like to spend my time at home, in my own home that I worked hard to get. It may be a little run down and small, but it is home. I try my best to live a good life. I don't do drugs, rob, steal, break laws, or hurt people in any way. I'm a bit of a nerd, I don't socialize as much as I want to, but I have a big heart and I want to share it. I never did well dating, I'm not a stud, and most of the other guys are better looking than me. My plusses are I am good towards my fellow man, I do my best to live life the right way, and I have a big heart and a good soul.

What I am looking for is a woman who is within 10 years of my age (I am 32), give or take a year or two and is single or divorced and is eligible to get married legally right this minute. No wait and see, no dating. I've done that and failed. We meet at city hall, bring witnesses and go straight to the vows. After that we will go on a brief honeymoon. The only other thing is you must be Caucasian, Hispanic or Asian, and accepting of mild Christian beliefs.

I realize you may be thinking this is crazy, and it is. I believe that you get one life to live, you get a certain number of days, and no do over. I have wasted to much time trying to play the dating game, messing up in that, wondering and worrying about what I have to do. I'm ready to have a wife and a family. Are you? I believe that two people can come together and that it can work if they want it. There is love at home, in my home and it is waiting for someone to be in it.

This guy is so sincere, I hope he found someone to marry who eventually grew to love him. The thing about Craigslist is that most of the ads are posted by men who just want to get their dicks wet. But then there are these guys who really want to make a connection with someone .... and get their dicks wet, of course. Either way, I'll bet most of them end up wanking off to porn on their smart phones and never touch a woman.

And this is the other reason Craigslist is a depressing place to hang out. In addition to all the married guys, and the guys who are looking for every kind of kink, including poop, and the guys who want to meet a stranger right now and fuck, and the guys who want a sugar mamma, and the guy who has a very small "peter" (proof in the photo) and probably has an STD (according to his ad) ... In addition to those, there are these sincere, lonely guys who are "looking for a real woman," and may be the real thing, but .... I'm definitely a snob, but I don't think a guy who's trying to get a date with me would write a post with no punctuation and "u" instead of "you." And at this point in the game, I don't need to know that he insists on an old-fashioned woman with family values, and that he loves to give oral.

So, the bottom line is that Elvira is right. I do need to stay away from Craigslist unless I'm looking for a chainsaw (which I am). It's a trainwreck, complete with blood and gore and ruined lives and peters both tiny and average, and it's mostly rude men trolling for a quick fuck. Much like every other dating site, from what I can tell.

The worst thing -- yes, worse than tiny peters -- is that some of them -- I hate to admit it -- are tempting. They seem like nice guys. They can punctuate. They don't post dick pics. They like the things I like. But, nah. I'm still going to take Elvira's advice and stay away from there. I don't believe in love after Craigslist.

I'll try for a less discouraging dating post next Tuesday.