Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Dating Tuesday: Craigslist winners

I've decided to add a little organization to the disorganization that is my writing life. I'm going to set aside certain days to write about certain topics. I already observe most Wordless Wednesdays. Now I'm going to add Feminist Friday, Vagina Sunday, and Dating Tuesday. Dating Tuesday starts today.

One day, my daughter Elvira caught me looking at the personal ads on Craigslist. Apparently the Craigslist personal ads are the equivalent of picking up men at the local strip club. It's something one doesn't do -- especially if one is Elvira's mother.

"Mother!" she said in her most scandalized voice. "Have you been looking at Craigslist to find dates? What the hell is the matter with you!?"
"Oh, don't worry," I said. "I have no intention of ever dating. I didn't find a single not-disgusting man there, but look at this ....."
"Mooootthhhheeeer! You do not find men on Craigslist. Only losers post on Craigslist."
"I don't know why that would be true. I sold a couch and a guitar on Craigslist. That doesn't make me a loser."
"Finding a date on there does though. Stop looking at Craigslist. Please. Just. Stop."
"I have noticed a lot of photos of penises on there. Do men think women comparison shop for penises? Is that a thing?"
"That's why you have to stop looking at Craigslist right now."
"But I think they're ...."
"But ..."

"I wasn't going to ...."
"Just no."

I learned a lesson that day: Close the Craigslist tab when Elvira is coming over. She gets way too upset about what I consider to be a mildly addictive interest in the men who live in the bottom of the dating bog. In case you wondered, the bottom of the bog is teaming with life. Low, bottom-feeding life.

While I realize you could peruse the Craigslist personals yourself, let me save you from the ignominy and share with you a few of my favorites from an hour of clicking on the ads of middle-aged hopefuls. Please note: I am not changing any spelling or punctuation, hard as that is to not do. Also, I'm not sharing any dick pics. Get your own. There are plenty on Craigslist.

roller coaster riders 
 body : averageheight : 5'6" (167cm) kids, have : twostatus : widowed
my wife died about two years ago, and left me with two children and a dog. One is a college student now, the other in high school. I have a season's pass to king's island, and a child who rollercoasts with me when available, but with band camp coming up soon, i will lose that connection on many days. If You are a disease free roller coaster rider let's get together and have some fun.

This guy seems pretty smart, doesn't he? Now I'm not a roller coaster rider. In fact, I became pale and nauseous when I rode the Scooby Doo roller coaster with Elvira when she was three. But if I did ride roller coasters, I too would want to ride with people who were disease free, because that's even more important than emptying your pockets.

Oh. Is riding the roller coaster a metaphor for something? Moving on.

looking for a lady that would want to move in
body : heavy status : divorced
Mature man looking for a lady that would be interested in moving in with me. Would rather you not smoke, drink or drug. This is country living. A child or two is ok if you are a younger lady. If you need a pic your pic gets mine. I also have HSV 2 so it would be better if you did too or your not afraid of it. Also when I have a HSV breakout which is rare it is on my face so you know where my face has been. Looking for a life long partner.

I have to wonder if this guy stops at his local saloon and says to the bartender, "Hey, Chester. I guess you can tell where my face has been. Ha! Ha!" Yeah, I'd move my kids in with this guy. Sure. Let's go find him, Elvira ..... Elvira?

do you have bunions? - m4w

Any lady suffer from bunions. If so, I would like to speak with you. Just have a few questions about it. Please email if interested.

It's not easy finding bunions for your wank bank, but Craigslist is where I would start too.

matuer shughar baabie ? 40

Respectful white male is looking for a small to average size female who can hopefully see me at her place for regular visits. I am looking for a young Lady who may be a student, working woman, or a single mom who is having a tough time. If you have never done this before but would be open to explore the opportunity, we should talk. You will find me to be very patient and a perfect gentleman in all respects. Very discreet. If you are interested please send a full length picture & how to contact you. Please put "New to this" in your reply . Please don't be afraid to at least send a reply so we can just talk. Thank you.

Does this really say "I'm 40, married, and looking for a young, vulnerable woman who is not a prostitute whom I can pay for sex"? Yeah, I thought so. Classy.

One of the reasons the Craigslist ads are so discouraging is because a high percentage of them are married men who are looking for the fuck their wives don't give. They want someone who can meet them mornings at her house. They're looking for young women -- 20 or more years younger than they are -- for weekly trysts, and they will pay an "allowance." No, I'm not really surprised. You'll note a thread of cynicism in my dating posts for good reasons.

Looking for local lover for my 8" 
looking for someone to hang out with, smoke weed, drink beer/wine and enjoy each others company in and out of bed. Married is welcome but no niggers or real fat white pigs

I wavered about sharing this one, but lots of vile assholes post on Craigslist. Nothing remarkable about this guy in comparison. I really hope he never reproduced. This might be what Elvira is talking about. The next one is a long one -- longer than 8".

The boldest ad ever - Will you marry me, today

That's right, this is a proposal for marriage.

I'm a 6'1" tall, 270 pound white male with an afro and glasses, I work for about $22K a year, drive a beat up 12 year old ford, and don't have a lot in this world, but I have a lot more than I did when I was 18. I served in the Navy, was almost married once, and I have never had children. I do not like big social crowds so I feel very uncomfortable in bars and social spots. I like to spend my time at home, in my own home that I worked hard to get. It may be a little run down and small, but it is home. I try my best to live a good life. I don't do drugs, rob, steal, break laws, or hurt people in any way. I'm a bit of a nerd, I don't socialize as much as I want to, but I have a big heart and I want to share it. I never did well dating, I'm not a stud, and most of the other guys are better looking than me. My plusses are I am good towards my fellow man, I do my best to live life the right way, and I have a big heart and a good soul.

What I am looking for is a woman who is within 10 years of my age (I am 32), give or take a year or two and is single or divorced and is eligible to get married legally right this minute. No wait and see, no dating. I've done that and failed. We meet at city hall, bring witnesses and go straight to the vows. After that we will go on a brief honeymoon. The only other thing is you must be Caucasian, Hispanic or Asian, and accepting of mild Christian beliefs.

I realize you may be thinking this is crazy, and it is. I believe that you get one life to live, you get a certain number of days, and no do over. I have wasted to much time trying to play the dating game, messing up in that, wondering and worrying about what I have to do. I'm ready to have a wife and a family. Are you? I believe that two people can come together and that it can work if they want it. There is love at home, in my home and it is waiting for someone to be in it.

This guy is so sincere, I hope he found someone to marry who eventually grew to love him. The thing about Craigslist is that most of the ads are posted by men who just want to get their dicks wet. But then there are these guys who really want to make a connection with someone .... and get their dicks wet, of course. Either way, I'll bet most of them end up wanking off to porn on their smart phones and never touch a woman.

And this is the other reason Craigslist is a depressing place to hang out. In addition to all the married guys, and the guys who are looking for every kind of kink, including poop, and the guys who want to meet a stranger right now and fuck, and the guys who want a sugar mamma, and the guy who has a very small "peter" (proof in the photo) and probably has an STD (according to his ad) ... In addition to those, there are these sincere, lonely guys who are "looking for a real woman," and may be the real thing, but .... I'm definitely a snob, but I don't think a guy who's trying to get a date with me would write a post with no punctuation and "u" instead of "you." And at this point in the game, I don't need to know that he insists on an old-fashioned woman with family values, and that he loves to give oral.

So, the bottom line is that Elvira is right. I do need to stay away from Craigslist unless I'm looking for a chainsaw (which I am). It's a trainwreck, complete with blood and gore and ruined lives and peters both tiny and average, and it's mostly rude men trolling for a quick fuck. Much like every other dating site, from what I can tell.

The worst thing -- yes, worse than tiny peters -- is that some of them -- I hate to admit it -- are tempting. They seem like nice guys. They can punctuate. They don't post dick pics. They like the things I like. But, nah. I'm still going to take Elvira's advice and stay away from there. I don't believe in love after Craigslist.

I'll try for a less discouraging dating post next Tuesday.


  1. This. Is. Awesome. The level of jack-assery that guys put out there in the online dating world is amazing!

    1. Thank you. And thanks for stopping by. These ads and all the others like them are why I haven't been able to dive in. Well, that and my own experiences with dating.