Happy Thanksgiving ..... Week?

Thanksgiving has long been my favorite holiday. I appreciate the simplicity of indulging in good food without any of the commercialism of giving gifts or reciting religious myths. (I gave up that Pilgrim myth decades ago.) Thanksgiving is .... or was .... one day set aside simply for giving thanks for the harvest and preparing for winter. Simple. Delicious.

Ya gotta wonder yhy the fuck people had to ruin such a pure and simple day of giving thanks.

I'm not talking about the obscenity that is Black Friday, and how it has shit all over the one holiday that wasn't riddled with commercialism. I've never participated in Black Friday shopping, and I can safely predict I never will. The issue of Black Friday has been talked and video-ed to death. I've got nothing new to say about that ugliness.

What I want to talk about is how people use Thanksgiving as an excuse to take 2 weekends and a work week off. When did it become Thanksgiving week?

An example. I intended to hire a contractor to do some work at my new house. A friend recommended a woman-owned company, so I called the owner, and she agreed to come out last Thursday evening, November 21, to take a look at the work I wanted her to do. She showed up with a guy who works for her, and I took them through the house and showed them what I wanted done.

No problem. They could do all of it, but wanted to get a second opinion on the floors. I asked if she could give me an estimate the next day or over the weekend and start work the next week.

She looked surprised and said, "Well, it is Thanksgiving week next week."

I said, "You take the entire week off for Thanksgiving?" I was thinking, I'll hire somebody who wants to work.

"No. No," she assured me, "we don't take off the entire week. We can get started ...."

"Good," I said, "because I need to have the work done by a certain date. You should have time, but not if you don't work at all next week."

"No problem," she said. "We can get the wood floor guy out here, and I'll get you an estimate for the other work."

She sent me the estimate on Monday. I said I'd be at the house Tuesday and could run over Wednesday any time to meet the floor guy. I said if I'm going to do the floors, I really have a slim window of time. Once I move my piano, I won't be doing anything to them. She said she'd get the rep out there ......

Uh huh. Still waiting. Lost an entire week. Thanksgiving week. Even if they show up Monday to look, it will be 10 days since the night we talked about doing the work. Ten fucking days.

Thanksgiving isn't a week. It's a day -- although I'll admit I cook for more than a day, and then there's the cleaning and setting up tables and ironing tablecloths ....

Nevertheless, it's a day. When did people start expecting to take off 2 weeks at Christmas, a 4-day weekend on Easter, a 4-day weekend for the 4th of July and now a 9-day week at Thanksgiving?

Do I sound frustrated? Fuck, yeah. Same thing happened with a carpet guy I called and left a message for Tuesday. He might not call me back at all. But I'll bet if he does call me back Monday, almost a week after I left him a message, he'll blame it on Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving week.

Between the jackhammer-to-the-head advertising for Black Friday and now the practice that makes Thanksgiving a 9-day holiday that includes 2 weekends and a work week, I'm not enjoying Thanksgiving so much this year. What was once a simple day to give thanks for the harvest and celebrate a season of hard work bringing in that harvest is now a ridiculous display of greed, both of merchandise and time.

What happened to just appreciating a day of turkey and pie?
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I don't want to sound ungrateful. I'm grateful for many things this week: I shared good food with great company yesterday; My future daughter-in-law came early to help me cook and set up tables (she also helped me paint last week); Drake and his friend J helped me paint today; my house is warm and my bed is soft; someone gave me flowers for my Thanksgiving table; I put 3 bags of turkey stock and meat into the freezer tonight; I did not need to shop for one single thing today ..... I could go on with blessings. My rant above does not indicate a lack of thanks-giving in my heart.
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One more day and I will have posted every single day in November, without taking off even Thanksgiving week for the third year in a row. And on the 31st day, I will sleep....

National Masturbation Month: the final day

I'm sure you all know today is the last day you are officially permitted to play with your genitals. Yes, we should all observe a moment of silence at midnight tonight to honor the end of National Masturbation Month ..... followed by an ah .... ah .... ah .... aaaahhhhh.

Masturbation has gotten a lot of exposure this month on blogs and in the news. You can't miss it, so I suspect you've probably been as busy as I have celebrating. I wanted to write something here sooner about it, but it's so hard (that's what she said) to write with one hand. I even tried using my feet, but I just couldn't concentrate long enough to .... uh oh ..... oh yeah .... Be right back .......

Oh .... yeah. That felt good. Anyway .... 

I honestly don't see what all the fuss is about. Sure we teach kids not to wank in public, and that seems fair, especially for guys. So messy. But otherwise, why should anybody else give a shit if you're enjoying your own pleasure zone? I just don't get it.

Oh, yeah. That's going to work.

None of the reasons make sense to me, including the threat of hell. Spilling the seed? There's more where that came from. (Came from. Get it?) Pleasure is bad? Really? Fuck that. I'll have a steak and a glass of good chardonnay with my orgasm. Women can't be controlled if they have orgasms ..... Grrr. Say that to my face, you fucking misogynist. No, really. My face is up here. My lady bits are none of your fucking business unless I invite you to partake of their wondrous delights.

Fortunately I can't be fired for saying I think people should masturbate. But I will say it and I have. Even to my own kids.

I gave my son 3 reasons to masturbate: 1. To let off steam so he wouldn't be tempted to engage in sexual activities he wasn't ready for or that might be unsafe. 2. To learn how to control his orgasm because not enough men can. And 3. because it feels really good and, unlike going to the movies or playing World of Warcraft, it doesn't cost a dime.

And my daughter? Yep, she got 3 reasons too. 1. To let off steam so she wouldn't be tempted to engage in sexual activities she wasn't ready for or that might be unsafe.  2. Because a woman needs to get to know her own body and her own response before she can guide her lover to the right spot. And 3. because it feels really good and you don't have to sleep in a wet spot.

Look, I realize National  Masturbation Month is the Hallmark holiday of a large sex toy store, Good Vibrations. But the fact that so many people had to write about it and titter about it and create e-greeting cards about it means we still haven't blown our wad on the topic.

I really don't get it. When there are so many real stigmas in the world to concern ourselves with -- Coke, car emissions, polar bears, obesity, Justin Bieber, guys who wear their pants under their butts -- why should any of us care if somebody else is having fun with his cock or her clit? Why?

I guess I'm luckier than a lot of people. My parents didn't tell me not to do it nor did they tell me to do it. They didn't tell me anything, including the names for my lady bits. I didn't realize I had a vagina until that hot summer day when I wanted to go swimming and I had to learn how to insert a tampon. There were no words in our vocabulary for what I had down there. Not one.

The Methodist church, at least at that time, apparently didn't have an opinion because I don't remember bringing home any Sunday school papers with warnings about the dangers of masturbation nor do I remember any sermons about the topic. I probably could have stayed awake of the minister had talked about jerking off. Then again, if he had talked about it, he would have had to talk about it. Better to act like things like vaginas and orgasms don't exist.

So how about you? Did you masturbate this month? You've got one more day if you want to stick to the official calendar.  Better take advantage of it. You  know the wank bank doesn't earn interest, right?