Turns out my mechanic, Darrell, couldn't get to it today. He warned me he might not have time. We're cool.
So I hopped back on my bike and rode back to Goodyear -- entirely uphill, choking on exhaust fumes -- and took custody of my van.
Much to my surprise, it was no longer malfunctioning. In fact, I drove to the library to pick up some books, and then home, and it didn't rev inappropriately one single time.
What the fuck? As far as I know, nobody at Goodyear touched it.
I wanted to call back and ask if some guy simply stood next to my van with his penis, because that's the only explanation I can come up with. A penis must have been near enough to magically fix my van.
Oh, don't tell me you haven't noticed men who can fix things with their penises! It happens all the fucking time. It's a thing.
My son Drake can fix almost anything, and his fiance and I are pretty sure he does it with his penis. For example, one evening he was going to throw some steaks on my gas grill. I said, "Take that box of wooden matches. The starter hasn't worked since shortly after I bought it."
He said, "That's OK. I won't need them."
"Whatever," I said. "You'll be back. It doesn't work."
Next thing I knew he was in the kitchen to get the steaks. "I didn't see you come back for the matches," I said. "How did you light the grill?"
"With the starter," he said.
"No, really, the starter hasn't worked for 2 years. You're fucking with me, right?"
"No, Mom. Come and look."
I looked. He'd used the starter. The next time I wanted to grill, I tried the starter .... again and again and again. It never worked again. Ever.
That's just an example -- one of many. The passenger-side slider on my van has been fucked up for years. It doesn't like to close, so sometimes I have to try 5 or 6 times before it will finally latch. I try not to use it because it's such a pain in the ass, what with the beeping and the rolling back open...
Unless Drake is there. If Drake is there, I just say, "Drake, will you use your penis to close the van door, please?" And he does and it closes about 95% of the time.
I could give more examples, but you get the idea. Need a jar of pickles opened? Ask a guy to use his penis. Need a computer to run faster? Ask a guy to use his penis. Can't get the TV remote to work? Ask a guy to use his penis. Do everything you can to get the job done -- everything he would have done, including installing brand new batteries .... fail ..... then just ask a penis to either stand next to the offending object or do exactly what you've already tried. Instant fix.
Any time something breaks or frustrates me by not working right when Drake's around, I just holler, "Drake! Could you come fix this with your penis?" And like the good son he is, he brings puts his magic penis to work on the problem.
I know I should be grateful, but it's frustrating as hell!
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| (Stolen from the internets) |
Fucking handypenises. I resent it. I really do. Why can't I stand next to a malfunctioning piece of electronics with my vagina and magically make it work? Have you ever heard of that happening? No, I didn't think so. I should fire my vagina.
So, my van was running fine the last time I drove it, but the check engine light is still on. I will take it back to Darrell Wednesday so he can stand by it with his penis and make sure it continues to idle correctly. While I'm at it, I'll have his penis change the oil. No use wasting the presence of a skilled penis, right?
Disclaimer: I've been trying to embarrass Drake for his entire life. This won't even come close.
