Saturday, November 16, 2013

Help Wanted: Handypenis

Update: Last night I wrote that I was having issues with the accelerator in my 12-year-old Honda Odyssey (go ahead; mock my mom van, but it's paid for). As I said I would, I got up early this morning, loaded my bike in my van, drove to the Goodyear, dropped off my van and rode my bike home. I was at the shop by 8:00 8:30 on a cool, almost drizzly day. To be fair (to me), I got to TEDx by 8:00 am yesterday. I can't fucking do that 2 days in a row unless I'm getting paid or laid.

Turns out my mechanic, Darrell, couldn't get to it today. He warned me he might not have time. We're cool.

So I hopped back on my bike and rode back to Goodyear -- entirely uphill, choking on exhaust fumes -- and took custody of my van.

Much to my surprise, it was no longer malfunctioning. In fact, I drove to the library to pick up some books, and then home, and it didn't rev inappropriately one single time.

What the fuck? As far as I know, nobody at Goodyear touched it.

I wanted to call back and ask if some guy simply stood next to my van with his penis, because that's the only explanation I can come up with. A penis must have been near enough to magically fix my van.

Oh, don't tell me you haven't noticed men who can fix things with their penises! It happens all the fucking time. It's a thing.

My son Drake can fix almost anything, and his fiance and I are pretty sure he does it with his penis. For example, one evening he was going to throw some steaks on my gas grill. I said, "Take that box of wooden matches. The starter hasn't worked since shortly after I bought it."

He said, "That's OK. I won't need them."

"Whatever," I said. "You'll be back. It doesn't work."

Next thing I knew he was in the kitchen to get the steaks. "I didn't see you come back for the matches," I said. "How did you light the grill?"

"With the starter," he said.

"No, really, the starter hasn't worked for 2 years. You're fucking with me, right?"

"No, Mom. Come and look."

I looked. He'd used the starter. The next time I wanted to grill, I tried the starter .... again and again and again. It never worked again. Ever.

That's just an example -- one of many. The passenger-side slider on my van has been fucked up for years. It doesn't like to close, so sometimes I have to try 5 or 6 times before it will finally latch. I try not to use it because it's such a pain in the ass, what with the beeping and the rolling back open...

Unless Drake is there. If Drake is there, I just say, "Drake, will you use your penis to close the van door, please?" And he does and it closes about 95% of the time.

I could give more examples, but you get the idea. Need a jar of pickles opened? Ask a guy to use his penis. Need a computer to run faster? Ask a guy to use his penis. Can't get the TV remote to work? Ask a guy to use his penis. Do everything you can to get the job done -- everything he would have done, including installing brand new batteries .... fail ..... then just ask a penis to either stand next to the offending object or do exactly what you've already tried. Instant fix.

Any time something breaks or frustrates me by not working right when Drake's around, I just holler, "Drake! Could you come fix this with your penis?" And like the good son he is, he brings puts his magic penis to work on the problem.

I know I should be grateful, but it's frustrating as hell!

(Stolen from the internets)
I've got a bunch of work to do at my new house. I'm thinking about posting an ad on Craigslist: Help wanted: Need a handypenis to stand by my Jenn Air range and fix the blower switch, install handrails on the stairs, and connect the basement lights to one switch. Only skilled penises need apply.

Fucking handypenises. I resent it. I really do. Why can't I stand next to a malfunctioning piece of electronics with my vagina and magically make it work? Have you ever heard of that happening? No, I didn't think so. I should fire my vagina.

So, my van was running fine the last time I drove it, but the check engine light is still on. I will take it back to Darrell Wednesday so he can stand by it with his penis and make sure it continues to idle correctly. While I'm at it, I'll have his penis change the oil. No use wasting the presence of a skilled penis, right?

Disclaimer: I've been trying to embarrass Drake for his entire life. This won't even come close.


  1. HP here. I'm not going to speculate too much on the van.
    You should know however, that the check engine light comes on when a car's onboard computer senses a problem. It won't usually go off until someone resets it.

    Pretty easy to do.
    Just remove the negative battery clamp, wait a few minutes, and put it back on. This should reset the computer. No more "check engine" light. This works on my Ford Ranger.
    I have heard that you should turn the lights on for one minute while the terminal is off to drain any residual electricity, but I never have, and my light always resets without this. I don't know where that "residual electricity" is supposed to be coming from, but then there's a whole lot about electricity that I'm in the dark about.

    Even for the penis challenged, this is an easy procedure.
    You do need a small wrench(usually a 10mm) or a small adjustable wrench to remove the battery cable.

    If after resetting the check engine light, it comes back on later, then you still have a problem. Have the mechanic check it out.

    HP, over and out.

  2. Just one more thought. I think some of the problem solving you attribute to coming from between the legs is probably coming from between the ears. Dads often neglect to teach their daughters how to do "manly things(like using tools and fixing car problems). My dad did this. Only the boys were invited to help work on the car.

    For someone as obviously sharp as you, if you have an interest in fixing some minor car problem(like resetting the check engine light)give it a go. Fixing mechanical crap is just a learned behavior that after a while you take for granted that you can accomplish. It's good for the HP's ego to think we are brilliant when we fix something, but really it's just doing what is expected of us.

    I've found that YouTube is unbeatable for car fixing help. Many times I've found a posting that showed me how to diagnose or fix a car problem that I didn't know about.

    That's another thing. HP's often don't like to admit that we don't know everything. We don't. There, it's out of the bag.

    Good luck, Reticula.

    1. Knowing how isn't the problem. it really must be magic of the penis because I've watched men do EXACTLY the same things I've tried, and suddenly it works. I sympathize with Reticula... I've had it happen (maybe we could co-op a magic handy penis??)

    2. No, it's really not an inability to perform the task or to learn how to do it. I'm pretty handy, and what I don't know, I can learn. Youtube videos have saved me many dollars that would have gone to a professional handypenis. But it's those times when I've done everything right, done it right over and over with negative results, and a penis walks in and does the same thing with the right results that this is really about.

      Thanks for the information on the check engine light, Jerry. I need to get my oil changed anyway, so this time I'll let the professional run my van through his computer and see if he can figure out what's going on. He won't fix anything that doesn't need to be fixed.

  3. I NEED A HP TO CALL! I resent it, too. But...god, it would be so helpful right about now...

    1. It really is nice to have one to call when you need one. These days I have to text Drake and ask when his penis will be in town. It's nice to have one to call on in an emergency.

  4. My ability to tinker wasn't born from a lot of bonding hours with my old man, messing around with the engine of my '85 Scirocco. I did all that work myself. And showed him how to change a set of front disk brakes. I'll admit to having a bit of a knack with machines and electronics beyond my hard learned skills and knowledge, but Montana and Reticula are both incredibly smart, resourceful women, (just try the "your daddy didnt teach you enough about machines like he did your brother" line with Montana. I dare you) and they both give me dirty looks after I fix something they have given up on. Also, if there IS something wrong with the van, turning the check engine light off by bleeding the electrical system is at best ignoring the problem. The vast majority of the time, it comes on because your gas cap isn't properly seated, and will go off afterwards. Auto shops and parts dealers have the computer needed to diagnose what your computer is trying to tell you (and turn the check engine off) and usually wont charge you to find out.


    1. Jesus, you needn't get so defensive, Drake. I was just trying to offer some help. The error light will come back on if there is a problem, so it's not ignoring the problem. Putting electrical tape over the light is ignoring the problem. If the problem was temporary like bad fuel or something, it won't come back on if the van is now running smoothly, and/or you got some new gas, etc. I don't like going to a mechanic every time I have a vehicle problem. If my "check engine" comes on, I get it scanned(for free) and then fix it myself, unless worse comes to worst. I can't fix everything, but I haven't had to take my truck to a shop for repairs for 10 years.
      And by the way, I know your mother is smart. That's why I read her blog. Talented too.

    2. Actually Jerry, while I know you were trying to help, I think I'm right to be a bit defensive. While I get that your father limited mechanical experience to the boys in the family, many of the woman I know weren't brought up that way, have had as much "hands on" experience as many men, or have made a concerted effort to learn about the tech they use every day. I've probably never read a product manual from cover to cover in my life, but I betcha Mom has. Your first post, while perhaps not intended that way, read in a very chauvinistic fashion. Think about how it would have read if you had written most of that to another man.