That penis looks homemade (NSFW unless you're a sex worker)

A little over a year ago I wrote a post about the Clone-a-Pussy kit. I'm surprised that it's been one of my most popular posts, especially with my many faithful Russian readers. (Вы, русские, что, как ваш порно, не так ли?)

I wouldn't be so disingenuous as to say I was surprised when a reader who wishes to remain anonymous sent me a link to the Clone-a-Willy kit. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, for fewer than

30 of your hard-earned dollars you too can clone your favorite penis .... Well, not clone exactly unless your favorite penis is made out of something other than skin and bones and ..... whatever else penises are made of. And unless it vibrates.

I suspect if more penises vibrated, more women would be hopping on Mr. Happypants more often and for longer periods of time. Just a suspicion.

You can clone a willy in different colors, including skin tone, white, glossy black, and hot pink. You can even make a glow-in-the-dark willy, so you can find it under the bed or out in the backyard after your kid finds it and plays fetch with the dog with it. I can't think of any other reasons why one would want to make an exact glow-in-the-dark replica of a particular penis, but maybe some of my readers can help me out here.

I tried to think of any time in my life when I would find this appealing and, folks, I got nothing. It's a fucking dildo. (Sorry for the redundancy.)

The text on the Amazon page says it's for couples, and I was one half of a couple for a few decades. I suppose if I were an overly attached girlfriend more romantic I might have wanted a "second-best to the real thing" exact-ish replica of LtColEx's willy to keep me warm and satisfied while he was out there saving the world from the foreigners.

And yet, I couldn't even conjure up an image of us making the damn thing, much less me using it as a personal massager. (And since my kids read my blog, I hope they can't either.)

Maybe I just lack imagination.

Then I realized there were other options available that I might have really enjoyed making and using. For example, the plaster version might have been shit tons of fun to throw at someone as he was going out the door for the last time. Imagine the boner-busting crash it would make as it hit the door frame beside his head. I can think of more than one time I would have found that quite satisfying. "Get out, and don't let your dick hit you in the head on your way out!"

There's also a willy candle. Burn, baby, burn. Dickso inferno.

I suppose someone thought chocolate would be sexy, but .... OK, help me out here, my male readers. Would you really find it sexy to watch your partner eat an exact replica of your dick made out of chocolate? Because I think that would be rather macabre. And even if it were a turn-on, how long could you want to watch her eat an exact replica of your wiener made out of chocolate before you turned on the football game?

Evidently enough people struggled with the original clone-a-willy kit that the company had to make a novice kit. Hey, we were all virgins once. No shame in that.

You can even buy a "multi-product bundle." This one sounds more useful to me. You could use it for cloning workshops for couples who want to bring somebody new, but familiar, into their relationships.

Or, better yet, you could throw a party with the clone-a-willy party pack. Fuck Cards Against Humanity. Fuck karaoke. It's craft night and the cool kids are going to clone a penis tonight. BYOP.

I dunno. It seems to me the manufacturer of the Clone-a-Willy kit is missing the opportunity to make their product truly useful. How about a Clone-a-Willy flashlight? Or a Clone-a-Willy ballpoint pen? Maybe a Clone-a-Willy bottle opener. Or a Clone-a-Willy lip balm. I might go for a Clone-a-Willy flash drive. Or a Clone-a-Willy paper towel dispenser.

My god, people, if I had a man in my life I'd have proto-willy inventions all over my house!

Somebody please tell me you're willing to try this and at least send me photos of the process and the results. (That's not the same as sending a selfie, is it?) You know you want to. Just do it.

If you make the chocolate one, I promise I'll eat it.