A question about undressing

(photo credit: babble.com.
*Comment below.)

I was just sitting here with a glass of wine in my hand and a bowl of popcorn-flavored butter on my lap watching a slim, pretty blonde woman in a movie squeezed into a pair of Spanx™ under her tight-fitting designer dress before she went out on a date, and my mind suddenly filled with questions. I suppose other women already have this figured out, but I will file this under reason number 803 why I don't date. (Or wear Spanx™.)

Here's my question: What happens when some degree of intimacy occurs? To start, what if they slow dance? What does a pair of Spanx™ feel like under her dress when he's got his hand on her waist when they're slow dancing? Or, what if she decides over her third glass of Chardonnay to have sex with him? It's not really the kind of thing where you can go to the restroom, strip it off and slip it into your purse once you see where the night is headed.

So let's say she decides to go for it anyway. They go to his place. They're making out. Their hands start roaming. He feels like a human (unless see below). She feels like something that's about to pop -- an over-blown balloon, maybe. And then he runs his hand up under her skirt and about 4 inches above her knees he hits the Spanx™. Not her warm, sexy human thigh. Not, further up, a pair of damp lacy panties. Just tight, unyielding Lycra. All the way up to her rib cage. At this point the thing has to come off, right? Because the goodies are secured under what is basically a big rubber band.

Getting into a pair of Spanx™ requires steely resolve and double joints. Getting out of a pair can't be called erotic. It's more like Greco Roman wrestling with yourself. I know. I tried to put one of those on several times .... and failed. It's worse than trying to pull up a wet bathing suit. And then there are the ugly gouges and red ridges that girdles -- oh, it's just a long, expensive girdle, let's stop kidding ourselves -- leave in soft flesh. Ouch. Not sexy.

So her dress comes off, and she's standing there in her bra and her foundation garment? Does that happen now that we're long past the 1950's? And then what? He tries to pull that thing down, but it's like stripping a sausage out of its casing, and they're both tugging and pulling and peeling, and it's rolling up and inside out, but finally it's off and ..... ? She pops out like the Pillsbury Doughboy™?

So now the date is going to see how she really looks anyway, right? He's going to see that she's not perfectly smooth like a blow-up doll, so the illusion will be destroyed as soon as the girdle comes off. Does he then get a chance to change his mind, to claim he was misled?

How does this shit work? Am I the only one who sees a woman getting dressed in a movie and has to pause the movie long enough to write a blog post about neo-girdles and first-time sex and how does underwear work these days?

Oh, and as if women's undergarments didn't present enough problems, men can wear Spanx™ too. Not even kidding. Here. Look if you dare.

(photo credit: wzlx.cbslocal.com)

I gotta tell you, guys .... and I will speak for all women .... no woman thinks the guy on the left needs that girdle on the right. Not only that, we all know that thing is probably going to roll as soon as he sits down and what's that going to look like? A big old roll of fat? Think about it.

And think about this: Could a guy even get any blood to his penis in one of those? Or would Woody just suffocate under all that Lycra?

I honestly kinda doubt Spanx™ for men are running off the shelves. But I can imagine a scene in a rom-com where a couple are trying to get busy only to be thwarted by their respective spanky pants. Look at the photo examples above. Do you see room for even a finger, much less a hand? Not very inviting.

And so far, I've avoided even bringing up the perspiration issue.

Maybe I've over-thought this hypothetical situation. Maybe I should narrow it down to just this one question: When do the Spanx™ come off and how? Somebody with experience needs to just tell me. Please. Don't let me die with this question unanswered.

*Note: I went searching for images of women in Spanx™ and was I ever surprised! I assumed these particular undergarments were for those of us who needed to corral our fat so it doesn't lump up and bump out under our sexy, clingy dresses. Apparently they're more often used to hold bones in place. I'm not gonna judge the weight or size of the women who model these, but I did not expect they were the size women who are buying girdles. If I looked like that I'd just walk around in a tiny bikini all day. Fuck the Spanx™.