Friday, July 29, 2011

I Wanna Date a Squid

I was enjoying a Friday evening walk around the two-block-long artsy, hippie(ish) district of our city a few months ago with a friend, Starfish, when we happened to wander into a porn store. Among the many marvels and oddities there we found a case of lovely glass dildos*, some suitable for framing or displaying on a mantle or coffee table. As we were the only customers in the store, the Stick Boy behind the counter was happy to take most of them out so we could comparison shop at our leisure. He did stand by in case we needed his advice, and I'm sure he had much he could offer.

Almost immediately Starfish fell in love with one particular dildo that we decided looked a lot like a little orange squid encased in a clear Pyrex...ummm....missile. Once she had her hands on Squildo, as she named him, she couldn't even consider another of the other lovely dildos resting on their black velvet bags on the counter. Her hands went back to Squildo again and again.

Now I won't bore you with the conversation we had as we debated the attributes of the various-shaped dildos: ridges vs girth, for example, or whether the ball on the end of some of them was necessary. It was lengthy and studded with scientific data as well as personal narratives and preferences, with Stick Boy chiming in occasionally with some relevant information that had nothing to do with vaginas. None of it really mattered to Starfish anyway. She only had eyes for her man, Squildo. And yet she needed to be persuaded to invest in more than a passing relationship. That conversation went something like this:

Starfish: (looking with longing into Squildo's eyes) I really should save my money. I was just complaining about having to work so many hours....
Me: Yes, but he's on sale for half off. You can't get that much pleasure just anywhere for only $30. It costs more than that to feed your boyfriend for a day.
Starfish: True. But I do have a boyfriend.
Me: Squildo will be there even when your boyfriend is in rehab. And he'll always be hard and ready.
Starfish:True. He'll never let me down.
Me: And with Squildo you'll always get your cookie.
Starfish: I always get my cookie anyway.
Me: OK, there's no reason to brag, Starfish.
Starfish: (stroking his length) Sorry. I bet Squildo gives good cookies.
Me: And you've named him. Can you really leave him here in a glass case with a bunch of anonymous dildos after you've already named him?
Starfish: His name is perfect for him, isn't it? He does kind of look like a very cute squid.
Me: He does. He's also dishwasher-safe so you know he's disease-free.
Starfish:  Cleanliness is a virtue. Squildo is virtuous.
Me: He won't get you pregnant.
Starfish: True. Although he's so cute I'd almost want to have his babies.
Me: (gagging a little) He's yours. All you need to do is give Stick Boy your credit card. He's yours.

Not Squildo
And that was that.....until this week when I was read an article about how scientists have discovered the " organ" of the deep-sea squid. Yes, the deep-sea squid has quite the impressive penis, and the willingness of one big fellow to erectify his huge squid penis in all its lengthy glory has solved a mating mystery that puzzled biologists for years. As one expert, a Dr. Arkhipkin, puts it so eloquently, "Obviously a strongly elongated penis is the solution." So true. So true.

Not a penis
I always did think squids were more than slightly phallic in the right light and captured from just the right angle....if you squint, you can see it. And they're tasty too. But even as I debated with Starfish Squildo's many fine attributes, I never imagined a real squid would be packing a pistol that size. Imagine what a human male could do with such an appendage! He could pee out of the car window or off a golf cart or a bike... He could play footsie. He could tickle the bottoms of his own feet.....I don't even think I've got words for all the things he could do with a penis like that. Anybody else want to give it a go? Really. Don't be shy. It's only your imagination.

Of course there are all the things he couldn't wear a kilt. Or even would be hard to run. Hmmm. As I head off into a busy weekend, I can only imagine how often the image of that impressive squid penis will pop into my mind. So if you happen to run into me at the Celtic Festival this weekend, and I've got a wicked smile on my lips, don't take it personally. It's probably because I'm still thinking about squids in kilts .... and other mysteries from the ocean bottom.

*No, I am not going to write a weekly blog post about dildos.....unless I get enough requests accompanied by drinks and chocolate.


  1. "Deep-water male squid are known to use a more primitive method, which involves somehow injecting their sperm into the female's body."

    sounds strangely familiar.

  2. Doesn't it? The parallels just keep coming. Hee.