Thursday, April 5, 2012

Lose Weight Immediately!

 A text conversation with my daughter, Elvira:

Elvira: My boobs weigh 10 pounds.
Me: How do you know?
Elvira: I weighed myself and then Rock Dad held my boobs up and I weighed myself again.
Me: You let him see you on the scale? Whose daughter are you?
Elvira: Only so I could weigh my boobs. They weigh 10 pounds.
Me: Oh. Did you feed Coraline before you weighed them so you weren't weighing milk too?
Elvira: I'm not an idiot.
Me: Just checking. The weight of your boobs doesn't necessarily correlate to the weight of your brain.
Elvira: You know what this means, right?
Me: That you have enormous boobs? That's obvious to most people.
Elvira: No, it means I weigh ten pounds less if I don't count my boobs.
Me:  I think you have to count your boobs. I've always counted my boobs in my weight.
Elvira: No, I don't. I just lost 10 pounds. You're jealous.
Me: You can't just deduct a part of your body unless it's amputated. And then I've heard there's phantom weight.
Elvira: I can if I'm talking about whether I need to lose weight. I don't need to lose weight on my boobs. I now weigh 10 pounds less than I did this morning.
Me: Oh. Somehow that makes sense to me.

The next evening Coraline was playing in my bathtub, and Elvira and I were sitting on the floor talking when Elvira jumped up and kicked the scale into the center of the room.

Elvira: Mommers, let's weigh your boobs. Get on the scale.
Me: No.
Elvira:  Don't you want to know what your boobs weigh?
Me: No.
Elvira: You'll lose weight. You always want to lose weight. Get on the scale and then I'll hold your boobs up and we'll see what they....
Me: No.
Elvira: I want to know if my boobs weigh more than yours.
Me: No.
Elvira: Pllllleeeeeeaaaaasssssszzzzzzzze? Please weigh your boobs too!
Me: No.
Elvira: You're just afraid my boobs weigh more than yours.
Me: No.
Elvira: I won't look at the scale. I'll just hold up your boobs.
Me: No.
Elvira: You don't love me.
Me: No.
Elvira: .......
Me: No.
Elvira: We could have a contest on your blog where people guess how much your boobs weigh and the one who comes closest wins something.
Me: That could be fun. But no.
Elvira: Please.
Me: No.

I did not let Elvira weigh my boobs.

However, last week my doctor told me to lose weight, the bitch. She said, "You should buy a little trampoline with a handlebar and bounce on it while you watch TV at night."

I said, "Great idea, doc. But I'd rather weigh my fucking boobs."

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