Lose Weight Immediately!

 A text conversation with my daughter, Elvira:

Elvira: My boobs weigh 10 pounds.

Me: How do you know?

Elvira: I weighed myself and then Rock Dad held my boobs up and I weighed myself again.

Me: You let him see you on the scale? Whose daughter are you?

Elvira: Only so I could weigh my boobs. They weigh 10 pounds.

Me: Oh. Did you feed Coraline before you weighed them so you weren't weighing milk too?

Elvira: I'm not an idiot.

Me: Just checking. The weight of your boobs doesn't necessarily correlate to the weight of your brain.

Elvira: You know what this means, right?

Me: That you have enormous boobs? That's obvious to most people.

Elvira: No, it means I weigh ten pounds less if I don't count my boobs.

Me:  I think you have to count your boobs. I've always counted my boobs in my weight.

Elvira: No, I don't. I just lost 10 pounds. You're jealous.

Me: You can't just deduct a part of your body unless it's amputated. And then I've heard there's phantom weight.

Elvira: I can if I'm talking about whether I need to lose weight. I don't need to lose weight on my boobs. I now weigh 10 pounds less than I did this morning.

Me: Oh. Somehow that makes sense to me.

The next evening Coraline was playing in my bathtub, and Elvira and I were sitting on the floor talking when Elvira jumped up and kicked the scale into the center of the room.

Elvira: Mommers, let's weigh your boobs. Get on the scale.

Me: No.

Elvira:  Don't you want to know what your boobs weigh?

Me: No.

Elvira: You'll lose weight. You always want to lose weight. Get on the scale and then I'll hold your boobs up and we'll see what they....

Me: No.

Elvira: I want to know if my boobs weigh more than yours.

Me: No.

Elvira: Pllllleeeeeeaaaaasssssszzzzzzzze? Please weigh your boobs too!

Me: No.

Elvira: You're just afraid my boobs weigh more than yours.

Me: No.

Elvira: I won't look at the scale. I'll just hold up your boobs.

Me: No.

Elvira: You don't love me.

Me: No.

Elvira: .......

Me: No.

Elvira: We could have a contest on your blog where people guess how much your boobs weigh and the one who comes closest wins something.

Me: That could be fun. But no.

Elvira: Please.

Me: No.

I did not let Elvira weigh my boobs.

However, last week my doctor told me to lose weight, the bitch. She said, "You should buy a little trampoline with a handlebar and bounce on it while you watch TV at night."

I said, "Great idea, doc. But I'd rather weigh my fucking boobs."