Wednesday, March 6, 2013

What Febreze scent is your vagina?

Before I get to our regularly scheduled vagina-aroma sequel, I'd like to direct your attention to the Reticulated Writer Facebook page. If you haven't liked it, what the fuck is the matter with you? you've been missing some extra comments and mini posts.

But the reason I bring it up this morning tonight is because I've posted a challenge from a reader. I'm not going to tell you what it is, but I will confide that it will give you a chance to anonymously kick your ex in the balls if you choose to. Or you could say something nice too. Yawn. (There's a like button on the top right side of the page. Click it and then leave a comment if you want a guest appearance right here on this very blog.)

Recently I've started holding what I call writer's bootcamps at my house. I open my house to a group of women writers, take their cell phones, and shame encourage them to put their asses in a chair and write for 4 hours with 5 minute breaks every hour. We take a long break for lunch, and then wrap up with a sharing session.

Sounds so simple, but it's rather powerful. Some amazing work comes out of these bootcamps.

At last week's bootcamp .... for reasons I simply don't understand .... the topic of vaginas came up. I offer you a synopsis.

KS: Vaginas do not smell like fish. Vaginas don't even smell like nice, fresh trout. (This will make no sense if you haven't read the nice, fresh trout post.)
Reticula: Hey, that's what I said, but he was adamant. The guy seemed to know his vagina.
KS: No way. As the lone lesbian in the room, and the person with by far the most experience with vaginas, I'm telling you no vagina smells like fish.
Reticula: My vagina smells like rain. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
KK: OK, then mine smells like mountain air.
KS: Sounds like a Febreze scent. Hey, if your vagina was a Febreze scent, what would it be?
R: Mine would be mango .... no, chili .... no, mango. My vagina smells like mango Febreze.
Reticula: I'm sticking with rain. I'm not kidding: my vagina smells like rain.
Anonymous: How about double rainbow? Maybe your vagina smells like double rainbow Febreze.

Reticula: No, I'm sticking with rain. Nobody gets to say what somebody else's vagina smells like....especially if he's going to say fish.
KK: If we're thinking of Febreze scents, then I'm going to change mine. My vagina Febreze scent is sunshine, not mountain air. My vagina smells like sunshine.
M: Mine is ....  fresh man walking out of a shower.
Everybody: That's the best Febreze scent ever!
KK: OK, I'm changing mine again. This time I'm sure. My Febreze vagina scent is honey cream hops.
Reticula: Mmmm. That sounds like a favorite beverage. Maybe next time we should say what our vagina's favorite beverage should be. (Wait for it...)
KS: My vagina Febreze scent is new car.
Everybody: New car!!!  Does your vagina really smell like new car?

KS: I'm telling you, my vagina smells like new car. I'm the only lesbian here, so I'm the expert on what vaginas smell like. New car. 


KS: OMG. New car Febreze smells like old lady.
Reticula: What does that mean? Did you buy some?
KS: Yes. And I mean it stinks. I want to change my Febreze vagina scent.
Reticula: Too late. You already chose. Your vagina smells like new car.
KS: But new car Febreze smells like old lady toilet.
Reticula: Do mean the toilette that's watered-down perfume or the toilet your cat drinks out of?
KS: Is there a difference?
Reticula: I dunno. It's your vagina.

If your vagina smelled like a Febreze scent, what would it be?


  1. Yes, "new car scent" because lesbian vagina scent didn't sell as well in the test market, or, because it is illegal to drive around with a lesbian straddling your dash vent. Hehe

    Seriously though, sunshine, rain and mountain air? Yes, yes and yes! I remember my first time going down, it was a revelation. It was dew on flower petals fresh, it was ice water in the dessert fresh, it was life affirming. It was such a revelation because teenage boys will spread the most erroneous bs, usually passed down by some older brother.

    I feel sorry for anyone who mistakes second hand gossip for the pleasure of first hand experience.

    1. Or first tongue experience! Thanks for testifying, brother.

  2. I am SO Glad you shared this! Perhaps the new line of vagina scents can go with the line we developed at my house called Nut Huggers. They are like bras, only for men's nuts.

    1. Nut Huggers -- the perfect gift for the man in your life. ;-)