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Before I get to our regularly scheduled vagina-aroma sequel, I'd like to direct your attention to the Reticulated Writer Facebook page. If you haven't liked it, what the fuck is the matter with you? you've been missing some extra comments and mini posts.
But the reason I bring it up this morning tonight is because I've posted a challenge from a reader. I'm not going to tell you what it is, but I will confide that it will give you a chance to anonymously kick your ex in the balls if you choose to. Or you could say something nice too. Yawn. (There's a like button on the top right side of the page. Click it and then leave a comment if you want a guest appearance right here on this very blog.)
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Recently I've started holding what I call writer's bootcamps at my house. I open my house to a group of women writers, take their cell phones, and shame encourage them to put their asses in a chair and write for 4 hours with 5 minute breaks every hour. We take a long break for lunch, and then wrap up with a sharing session.
Sounds so simple, but it's rather powerful. Some amazing work comes out of these bootcamps.
At last week's bootcamp .... for reasons I simply don't understand .... the topic of vaginas came up. I offer you a synopsis.
KS: Vaginas do not smell like fish. Vaginas don't even smell like nice, fresh trout. (This will make no sense if you haven't read the nice, fresh trout post.)
Reticula: Hey, that's what I said, but he was adamant. The guy seemed to know his vagina.
KS: No way. As the lone lesbian in the room, and the person with by far the most experience with vaginas, I'm telling you no vagina smells like fish.
Reticula: My vagina smells like rain. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
KK: OK, then mine smells like mountain air.
KS: Sounds like a Febreze scent. Hey, if your vagina was a Febreze scent, what would it be?
R: Mine would be mango .... no, chili .... no, mango. My vagina smells like mango Febreze.
Reticula: I'm sticking with rain. I'm not kidding: my vagina smells like rain.
Anonymous: How about double rainbow? Maybe your vagina smells like double rainbow Febreze.
Reticula: No, I'm sticking with rain. Nobody gets to say what somebody else's vagina smells like....especially if he's going to say fish.
KK: If we're thinking of Febreze scents, then I'm going to change mine. My vagina Febreze scent is sunshine, not mountain air. My vagina smells like sunshine.
M: Mine is .... fresh man walking out of a shower.
Everybody: That's the best Febreze scent ever!
KK: OK, I'm changing mine again. This time I'm sure. My Febreze vagina scent is honey cream hops.
Reticula: Mmmm. That sounds like a favorite beverage. Maybe next time we should say what our vagina's favorite beverage should be. (Wait for it...)
KS: My vagina Febreze scent is new car.
Everybody: New car!!! Does your vagina really smell like new car?
KS: I'm telling you, my vagina smells like new car. I'm the only lesbian here, so I'm the expert on what vaginas smell like. New car.
Epilogue:
KS: OMG. New car Febreze smells like old lady.
Reticula: What does that mean? Did you buy some?
KS: Yes. And I mean it stinks. I want to change my Febreze vagina scent.
Reticula: Too late. You already chose. Your vagina smells like new car.
KS: But new car Febreze smells like old lady toilet.
Reticula: Do mean the toilette that's watered-down perfume or the toilet your cat drinks out of?
KS: Is there a difference?
Reticula: I dunno. It's your vagina.
If your vagina smelled like a Febreze scent, what would it be?
Conversation with my daughter Elvira:
Elvira: I walked for over an hour today. We were out so long I had to stop at Dollar General and get Coraline a snack.
Me: I hate Dollar General. They build all those stores in the poorer areas of the city and then they charge $6 for a gallon of orange juice. Fucking pirates.
Elvira: Yeah, and I almost got kicked out too. For having my stroller in there.
Me: What? Why do they care about your stroller?
Elvira: Because I might steal something.
Me: Because you have a stroller? Are mothers of infants and toddlers more likely to steal?
Elvira: I dunno. Some employee told me I'd have to leave it up at the front. So I grabbed something for Coraline and left.
Me: That's bullshit. I took my bike in the Dollar General near me one day and an employee told me I couldn't have it in the store and I'd have to park it just inside the front door. I told her I wasn't going to leave my bike by the front door where somebody could steal it. She said the cashier would watch it. I said unless the cashier could afford to replace it, I was keeping it with me. And I did.
Elvira: Ummm, Mommers, I'm pretty sure most stores don't want you to take your bike in.
Me: Why? It's not bigger than a cart.
Elvira: Good point.
Me: I told the employee there was no rule about walking a bicycle in a store, I wasn't bothering anybody, and I'd take my bike out when I was finished shopping. She didn't know what to say so she walked away. I hope you didn't put your stroller at the front.
Elvira: No, I argued with her.
Me: That's my girl.
Elvira: I asked her why the stroller was a problem. She said she didn't know what I might do with it.
Me: Like you might race it up and down the aisles? Or you might be carrying a bomb strapped to a baby?
Elvira: No, she said it had too many hiding places.
Me: So do your clothes. Did she ask you to strip down and leave your pockets at the door?
Elvira: Yeah, right? And my bra? I can stick a lot of stuff in my bra. I should have asked her if she wanted me to take off my bra too.
Me: There are other places you could hide stuff too.
Elvira: Yeah, like my asshole. Maybe I should have asked her if she wanted my asshole too.
Me: Or your vagina. I've known some women whose vaginas were like clown cars. They could fit all kinds of stuff up inside.
Elvira: And she was worried about my fucking stroller.
Me:Next time you go in just
say in a loud voice, "I'm leaving my stroller right here by the front door, along with my clothes and my asshole. And you'd better watch my vagina too, bitches, or there won't be anything left in this store when I walk out."
