Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Don't bogart that lube




What else can I say? You saw it for yourself. A stoned vagina can orgasm without even a touch -- and I mean a big, wet, crashing oceanic orgasm. Look, Ma! No hands!

Of course, I have never been stoned on marijuana, because that would be illegal in all of the states I've lived in, but if I had ever been stoned, I certainly don't remember feeling spontaneously orgasmic. Thirsty, yes. Hungry, yes. Lazy, certainly. Spacey, uh huh. Paranoid, unfortunately enough times it wasn't worth it after a while.

Orgasms were the last thing from my mind -- if I had ever been stoned, I mean. Pot was not an aphrodisiac.

Apparently if I'd ever thought to distill the essence from the pot though, mix it into some coconut oil, and spray that slippery concoction onto my lady bits, I too could have been clutching the sheets and rubbing my thighs like a cricket to the rhythm of my own heaving internal ocean. Mmmmultiple times. (No fish jokes, please. And you know who you are.)

I guess we were too busy blasting Led Zeppelin and scarfing down nacho cheese Doritos to invent mary-va-jay-jane. Too bad. I might have been in prison all these years making bitches my bitch rich by now.

So the producers of Foria claim women don't actually get high from spraying their nether regions with liquid cunt blunt. They just get warm and tingly and, if they're lucky, multi-orgasmic. Which begs the question, is this pubic doobie (I'm done, I promise) edible?
Yes! In fact, on the website an application of Foria is called a "serving size." You know what I'm thinking, don't you? This can only be a good thing for women who like to serve a box lunch at the Y. The more he or she eats, the hungrier he or she gets. Munch away, I say! Have another serving while the tide comes in, and I clutch the sheets.

Dude, that was a nice fantasy, but alas, I can't buy Foria and neither can most of you. You'd need a doctor's slip and you'd have to live in California, because this product is made from that evil herb, marijuana. I'm disappointed, aren't you? Not even a free sample to be had. I wish we all could be California girls.

Oh, well. It's back to orgasms the old fashioned way for those of us who don't live in the golden state. I guess I'll watch that video again and see if anything inspires me.


4 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. I could use a long road trip. If multiple orgasms were at one end of it, I wouldn't complain!

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  2. Replies
    1. Do you have a card? YOU COULD GET SOME PUSSY PO T!

      Delete