Monday, June 23, 2014

Somebody hand me those forceps.....

Vaginas are trending, and not just here on Reticulated Writer. Seven people sent me articles about this guy who got stuck in a marble vagina in Germany. And I thank you all for thinking about me. I love it when you send me porn articles about vaginas when you see them in the news. And I get the hint: no more serious shit. Write about vaginas now.

So this stupid exchange student from -- want to take a guess? -- the United States decides he wants a photo op of himself coming out of a sculpture called Pi-Chacan, which in Indian Peruvian means "make love." Clearly, it's a vagina.

So he makes like a human penis, inserts himself, falls, and gets stuck in the big stone vagina. That's what happens when you don't use protection, you dick. What a douche.

In an interview his mother said, "I'm not one bit surprised. He didn't want to be born the first time. My due date came ... my due date went. I felt like a whale. I wanted him out. I tried cod liver oil, warm brandy, and long walks until I was too drunk to stand up even when I stopped pooping long enough to get off the toilet. The little fucker still wouldn't come out. It took 22 doctors, a pair of forceps, and a giant vacuum cleaner to force him out of my vagina. Who can blame him though? It was warm, wet, and happy hour* in there. He's been trying to climb back into a vagina since he turned 14. He's just like his father."

OK, I made up that last part about his mother, who is probably hiding from the press in her bedroom closet wishing she'd just let him stay in her vagina. But it did require 22 firefighters to extricate the human penis from the sculpture. I'm not sure why they didn't just call a midwife. You know how men hate to ask for directions. It only took them half an hour, using their bare hands, which any woman who's given birth will tell you is a pretty easy delivery.

I'm sure after this incident the university where the statue is located will erect signs to prevent further accidents. How about "Slippery when wet. Use caution or you might fall in"? Or "You can look, but you can't climb inside the pretty vagina." Maybe "Condoms required when body-fucking the vagina. Lube suggested." "Vagina can be dangerous. Proceed with caution."

I was going to make a joke about statutory rape, but rape jokes aren't funny.

I fear this young man will suffer unfortunate consequences from his plunge into Vag Land. Unless he starts wearing sunglasses and a fake mustache, this will probably be the last time the human douche gets laid in a very long time. He doesn't seem like he knows his way around the vagina, much less the more important bits of the female anatomy.

Let's have a show of hands: How many of you would have climbed into the vagina rock to take a selfie. Be honest. I won't judge. Once I licked a 4-foot-tall ice vagina on a dare, even knowing I might end up stuck to it like that kid who licked the flagpole in A Christmas Story.
Anybody? Selfie in the stone vagina? Bueller?

*I stole that line. Thanks, Wild Bill, wherever you are.

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