The best ones are always taken

Photo credit: Stole from the internet (sorry)

I've decided Nick Offerman is my new celebrity crush, even though he's technically too young for me, which possibly makes me a cougar. Not only does he have a very sexy eyebrow, he's a woodworker, which probably means he has a handypenis. That's all I'm really looking for in a man, although his dry delivery and 2-toned beard don't hurt. Also I recently saw him in Hearts Beat Loud at the Neon, which I loved, and in which he also shows off his musicianship. (Criterion number 2 for the love of my life, right after handypenis.) Then coincidentally tonight I caught him in a new reality show called Making It, which isn't nearly as sexy as it sounds, at least so far, but does showcase criterion #3, a sense of humor.

Of course he's married, as are all my celebrity crushes. (Kim Coates, you broke my heart. As did you, Tom Selleck. Don't even mention Kevin Bacon.) And apparently he's madly in love with his wife, Megan Mullally, who is only a few months younger than I am, so also a cougar, but who apparently looks like Cher after they have sex. Ugh. TMI, new celebrity crush. Also Cher is 70, so maybe I'm not really a cougar. I mean, they are so married they've even written an audio book together about their super wonderful relationship. Gag.

I can't feel too sorry for myself though after hearing one man's story on Making It. The challenge was to craft a family heirloom, and one contestant confessed he has a husband, but he doesn't really have any other family. Turns out his family didn't approve of him being gay. So much so his parents sent a black funeral wreath to his workplace with the message, "In memory of our son who died." I was stunned. Who would do a thing like that? Those people are the devil.

Anyway, I'm looking for a new unmarried celebrity crush. That's about the closest I care to get to dating.

Who is your celebrity crush? Is yours married, and if not, do you want to trade?