The weight of flushing

Sorry I haven't written here in over a week. I've been busy in the bathroom. I'm wearing a brace on my wrist as I write this. I had to poop today and by the time I finished flushing 15 times .... again .... I mean, it's every single day with this flushing shit .... I've developed carpal tunnel. Thank you, Jeebus, I only have to flush ten times when I pee. 

I'm working on a design for a toilet that flushes every 15 seconds whether somebody is using it or not. I figure the millionaire in the White House would gladly underwrite my invention so he could flush less and save his tiny hands for tweeting. Don't worry. My design will be super-sized. I think that's language he understands. The tank will hold 15 gallons of bottled water, courtesy of Nestle. And of course I'd offer a solid-gold option just for him. King of the throne and all that.

I think I'm on to something. I'm also thinking about presidential add-ons like toilet paper made from real $100 bills. Not that fake shit you get at the dollar store. A power-washer of a bidet attachment. No cling-ons when The Man leaves my deluxe toilet. Maybe a tanning light attachment, for the busy faux prez who wants to tan and poop in tandem.

The only thing I regret is that I probably won't need to work four part-time jobs to make ends meet once I get rich from my Mega Necessarium. I hate be a party pooper and bring down those robust unemployment numbers, but I'm going to live the American dream, my friends. Once I'm rich I don't have to give any more shits about poor people anyway, so I'm looking forward to that.

Gotta go. Saving my hands for inventing and flushing. Poop on!

Dell sucks. Eat the rich.

Bet you didn't think you'd see me back here so soon. I just want to say that Dell sucks. Cyber Monday sucks. Capitalism pretty much sucks, except when ice cream is on sale. I am not being paid for this review.

I'm sick of the hype that happens after Thanksgiving every year. I never even leave the house on Black Friday. Hell, I don't really even get out of my pajamas. (OK, I don't wear pajamas, but if I did, that's what I wear on Black Friday.) And no, I don't shop online either. No offense to those of you who love that shit, but I hate it.

A woman told me the other day she was going to stand in line for hours to get a deal on a 65-inch TV, just like she did last year, because it was such a good price and her TV was all of one year old now. And that she has a 52-inch TV in her bedroom that she watches about three times a year, but it's (she held out her fingers) about three inches wide and she might as well get two of those 65-inch TVs because they're only two inches wide. She asked me if I didn't think it was time to upgrade. I just stared at her. I couldn't comprehend her logic.

That is my definition of insanity.

And yet ... stupid me. I decided I'd buy a new laptop tonight because I need one. So my friend Green Jello found me one at Costco and my son Drake found me one on the Dell website, which is the one I decided to get, because it was faster. But of course when I went to my cart to actually pay for it, it wasn't available. But they did try to direct me to one that costs $150 more. Thieving bastards.

Fuck you, Dell. I think that might be illegal. Bait and switch. Right? Isn't that what that's called? It should be illegal. And try ... I dare you, just try to lodge a complaint. Not a chance in hell.

Because they know they suck. So they don't need to be told. They won't even let you tell them.

So I'm not getting my Inspiron 15 5000 laptop computer tonight. Nor am I going to get a new Inspiron 14 5000, which was $50 more, because apparently it sold out just seconds before I was going to add it to my cart. 

I think it's a fucking conspiracy. Some fucking billionaires made a ton more billions the past few days, which they will pay zero taxes on, and fuck the rest of us. And now I'm mad because I couldn't add to their wealth.

What about you? Do you shop Black Friday sales? Cyber Monday? Did you get some good deals and I'm just a loser. You can tell me. I can take it.

But fuck Dell. Who needs their damn computer anyway?

(I do.)