Sorry I haven't written here in over a week. I've been busy in the bathroom. I'm wearing a brace on my wrist as I write this. I had to poop today and by the time I finished flushing 15 times .... again .... I mean, it's every single day with this flushing shit .... I've developed carpal tunnel. Thank you, Jeebus, I only have to flush ten times when I pee.
I'm working on a design for a toilet that flushes every 15 seconds whether somebody is using it or not. I figure the millionaire in the White House would gladly underwrite my invention so he could flush less and save his tiny hands for tweeting. Don't worry. My design will be super-sized. I think that's language he understands. The tank will hold 15 gallons of bottled water, courtesy of Nestle. And of course I'd offer a solid-gold option just for him. King of the throne and all that.
I think I'm on to something. I'm also thinking about presidential add-ons like toilet paper made from real $100 bills. Not that fake shit you get at the dollar store. A power-washer of a bidet attachment. No cling-ons when The Man leaves my deluxe toilet. Maybe a tanning light attachment, for the busy faux prez who wants to tan and poop in tandem.
The only thing I regret is that I probably won't need to work four part-time jobs to make ends meet once I get rich from my Mega Necessarium. I hate be a party pooper and bring down those robust unemployment numbers, but I'm going to live the American dream, my friends. Once I'm rich I don't have to give any more shits about poor people anyway, so I'm looking forward to that.
Gotta go. Saving my hands for inventing and flushing. Poop on!
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