The weight of flushing

Sorry I haven't written here in over a week. I've been busy in the bathroom. I'm wearing a brace on my wrist as I write this. I had to poop today and by the time I finished flushing 15 times .... again .... I mean, it's every single day with this flushing shit .... I've developed carpal tunnel. Thank you, Jeebus, I only have to flush ten times when I pee. 

I'm working on a design for a toilet that flushes every 15 seconds whether somebody is using it or not. I figure the millionaire in the White House would gladly underwrite my invention so he could flush less and save his tiny hands for tweeting. Don't worry. My design will be super-sized. I think that's language he understands. The tank will hold 15 gallons of bottled water, courtesy of Nestle. And of course I'd offer a solid-gold option just for him. King of the throne and all that.

I think I'm on to something. I'm also thinking about presidential add-ons like toilet paper made from real $100 bills. Not that fake shit you get at the dollar store. A power-washer of a bidet attachment. No cling-ons when The Man leaves my deluxe toilet. Maybe a tanning light attachment, for the busy faux prez who wants to tan and poop in tandem.

The only thing I regret is that I probably won't need to work four part-time jobs to make ends meet once I get rich from my Mega Necessarium. I hate be a party pooper and bring down those robust unemployment numbers, but I'm going to live the American dream, my friends. Once I'm rich I don't have to give any more shits about poor people anyway, so I'm looking forward to that.

Gotta go. Saving my hands for inventing and flushing. Poop on!

Day 14: An acceptable rape joke

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Day 28: Deal me in

I'll get back to writing about something else tomorrow night, I promise. I spent the past few nights watching the DNC, in case you couldn't tell. This night I spent obnoxiously posting the juiciest bits of Hillary Clinton's acceptance speech on Facebook. Even I can hardly believe I paid a senior $5 to get drunk and do my outside-of-class practice typing when I was in high school so I could go to basketball practice. I'm a modern miracle I type so fast now. (Is it still called typing even though it's not on a typewriter?) I digress.

I had to watch, because history was being made. And that really matters to me. And also, even though I know I was drinking the kool-aid, the kool-aid tasted delicious to me! And that matters to me too, because I can get cynical at times. The speeches made me feel hopeful. I'm not even sorry about all the kool-aid I drank. Burp.

And the other thing that matters to me is getting some sleep, so I can go to work tomorrow and stand on a concrete floor for a few hours and try to avoid the woman who works next to me and who thinks Obama, and really all black people, are .... Ugh. I can't go into it. I just want to avoid talking to her.

Before I retire though, I do want to share what I consider the most important of those quotations from HRC's speech with you. I mean, it's important if you think the survival of the human race is important, and I realize some of you may be cynical and fed-up enough that you're not sure. I only have to look at the precious face of my granddaughter to know that I am sure. So here are the words. 

"A man you can bait with a tweet is not a man you can trust with nuclear weapons."

I made it big, because it's absolutely the most important thing that came out of what I considered to be a fine and inspiring speech. If there is any man in this country who should not have his finger on the button of a nuclear weapon, it's Donald Trump. Many things are important. One thing could destroy this planet as we know it.

Don't worry. I have more to say about vaginas before the month is over. And I owe 2 extra posts for the week I was celebrating my birthday. After tonight, we're back to our regularly scheduled programming.