Light up my life

Someone posted on Facebook today that she had completely finished her Christmas shopping. And that made me think, Oh, shit! What if other people are out there Christmas shopping for me, and I haven't even posted my list here yet this year? This could be a disaster. So I decided I'd better do my part and post a few things I'd like to receive for Christmas and make everybody's job a little bit easier.

How well, you might ask, has posting your Christmas list on your blog worked in years past? I'd have to answer not that well. OK, utter failure. In fact, let's just say I'm continuing my list from last year and the year before and the year before that ..... Nobody has given me any of those items, although I had such high hopes for the vagina coloring book.

Nevertheless, any of you who have ever ridden in a car while I was driving will want to run right out and get me this Facial Expression 5 Message Car Emoticons Signal LED Display Light.

It's a fuck-you tail light with a smiley face for when you hit the afterburners! Genius! The description says the light contains "thank you, back off, sorry, smile and wink face[s]."  Maybe somebody in China thinks flipping someone the middle finger is a digital (as in finger) wink, but you and I know better.

Can you imagine a more satisfactory expression of road rage than a big, red LED bird flashing from the rear of my car as I finally pass that ubiquitous asshole who's texting while driving five under in the left lane next to two semis playing "pass me, pass you"? I can't. I need this thing. It's only $38.95 and the shipping is free. A generous person could have Amazon wrap it and send it directly to my home where I would put it under my Christmas tree (if I get it up before Christmas) to open Christmas morning.

I'm not going to beg, but please?

If you want to know what not to get me, it would be this penis-shaped water bottle. I'm pretty sure the fun went out of drinking water from a penis sometime back in the 80's. This just goes to prove not everything should be made into a penis and sucked on.

I know some of you will shop late in spite of your good intentions this year, so don't worry. I'll find other items for my list and post them over the next few weeks. You'll be able to get me something cool. I'll act surprised, because I can't remember what I ate for breakfast today, much less what I wrote here a week ago or a month ago. Some of you have had the experience of saying to me at a party, "Hey, Reticula, I really liked that post you wrote about blah blah blah vaginas." And me saying, "I wrote about what? I had no idea you could do that with a vagina! I would write about that, if I hadn't already. Are you sure you read it on my blog?"

Lists are good. Don't lose this one.

Wrap that around your head

You know how I like to get my Christmas list out there early, right? Not that it makes any difference because I didn't get anything I asked for here last year. Not the hoodie pillow or the glass tank or The Big Coloring Book of Vaginas. Not one damn thing.

This year I'm going to have to be more insistent. This year I really want all the things I wanted last year, except the hoodie pillow. Why, you ask? I'll tell you why.

Because I want ... well, you have to see it. I want this!

Looks like some kind of sweatshirt gas mask, doesn't it? Or a face-warmer for a horse. Or something dirty, and you know what I mean.

But it's not. It's a pillow! According to the Amazon listing, it's an Etree Pillow Office the Nap Pillow Head Neck Protection Pillow Everywhere Nod Off to Sleep. And I want one. You will too when you see how it works.

How fucking cool is that? And it's only $19.91. What a bargain!

I probably need at least 3 of those because I would sleep in it every night. I would wear it while I was thinking of things to write here, because you can put your head right on a table and it's like having a pillow built in around your head. And on airplanes! Who wouldn't want to wear that on a long flight?

I swear if I don't get this for Christmas, I'm buying one for myself. I will have this .... this .... head pillow.

(Credit goes to Grogalingus for posting this on Facebook.)

Wordless Wednesday: Is that thing cocked?

http://www.amazon.com/Glass-Gun-Dildo/dp/B00CV03H66/ref=pd_rhf_se_p_tnr_8

(Reason number 475 why I shouldn't be allowed on Amazon after midnight without a chaperone. Ride 'em cowboy!)

(What is that purple blob shooting out of the barrel? Does that look vagina friendly? I don't think so! It looks like a Christmas tree light. If only it lit up!)

(Please buy me this for Christmas. Thank you.)

(The answer to the question you're dying to ask is absolutely no, I would not.)

(It's still Wordless Wednesday if the words are in parentheses. My blog. My rules.)

(Finally, when is the last time you liked my Facebook page? You should do it now.)