Light up my life

Someone posted on Facebook today that she had completely finished her Christmas shopping. And that made me think, Oh, shit! What if other people are out there Christmas shopping for me, and I haven't even posted my list here yet this year? This could be a disaster. So I decided I'd better do my part and post a few things I'd like to receive for Christmas and make everybody's job a little bit easier.

How well, you might ask, has posting your Christmas list on your blog worked in years past? I'd have to answer not that well. OK, utter failure. In fact, let's just say I'm continuing my list from last year and the year before and the year before that ..... Nobody has given me any of those items, although I had such high hopes for the vagina coloring book.

Nevertheless, any of you who have ever ridden in a car while I was driving will want to run right out and get me this Facial Expression 5 Message Car Emoticons Signal LED Display Light.

It's a fuck-you tail light with a smiley face for when you hit the afterburners! Genius! The description says the light contains "thank you, back off, sorry, smile and wink face[s]."  Maybe somebody in China thinks flipping someone the middle finger is a digital (as in finger) wink, but you and I know better.

Can you imagine a more satisfactory expression of road rage than a big, red LED bird flashing from the rear of my car as I finally pass that ubiquitous asshole who's texting while driving five under in the left lane next to two semis playing "pass me, pass you"? I can't. I need this thing. It's only $38.95 and the shipping is free. A generous person could have Amazon wrap it and send it directly to my home where I would put it under my Christmas tree (if I get it up before Christmas) to open Christmas morning.

I'm not going to beg, but please?

If you want to know what not to get me, it would be this penis-shaped water bottle. I'm pretty sure the fun went out of drinking water from a penis sometime back in the 80's. This just goes to prove not everything should be made into a penis and sucked on.

I know some of you will shop late in spite of your good intentions this year, so don't worry. I'll find other items for my list and post them over the next few weeks. You'll be able to get me something cool. I'll act surprised, because I can't remember what I ate for breakfast today, much less what I wrote here a week ago or a month ago. Some of you have had the experience of saying to me at a party, "Hey, Reticula, I really liked that post you wrote about blah blah blah vaginas." And me saying, "I wrote about what? I had no idea you could do that with a vagina! I would write about that, if I hadn't already. Are you sure you read it on my blog?"

Lists are good. Don't lose this one.