I didn't know you could have an orgasm there

So, quick question: Where do you have orgasms?

Stop it. I don't mean like in the shower or under a bridge or in the women's dressing room at JC Penney. I mean what part of your body?

The answer is between your legs, right? Right.

Except if you're this woman in the Netherlands who started having spontaneous orgasms in her left foot that would eventually travel up her leg to her vagina. No, I am not fucking kidding you! Her doctors hypothesized that a coma and other complications she suffered a year and a half earlier had confused her spinal cord in the spot where her left foot nerves and vaginal nerves lay close together. Like her spine couldn't tell what was foot and what was vagina. (Sounds like the kind of shit you make up when you've got nothing.) They cleverly called it "foot orgasm syndrome."

Her doctors couldn't find any precedent for pedigasms in anyone else, but they had to do something. The woman, known only as Mrs. A, didn't like having foot orgasms, even when they were followed by vaginal orgasms, which we all know are about as rare as testicular orgasms. Apparently Mrs. A didn't welcome the orgasms; they had to cum no more go.

I can't blame her one bit. I can't stand for anybody to touch my feet. Not for any reason. I twitch at the thought of it. Each of my kids suffered several concussions soft kicks to the head when they were toddlers and couldn't seem to learn that Mommy's feet were not toys. The idea of an orgasm in my foot makes my feet clench.

On the other hand, if it didn't stay there long and moved on up my leg within a few seconds, I think I could learn to live with it!

I'm cummin'. They hatin'.*

I think I could, that is .... only .... I can't really imagine a foot orgasm. Can you?

OK, try this. Have an orgasm ....you don't need anybody else for this .... go ahead ... get started now while you're still reading .... it doesn't have to be a big one, just pop one off ..... still working on it? ......close your eyes ..... OK, once you get there, try to imagine it's happening in your foot. Your left foot if you want to be like Mrs. A.

How did that work? Could you imagine it? Or did it just feel like a cramp in your foot?

Because that's kind of what I get when I try to pop off a foot orgasm. Not that I just sat here and wanked while I waited for you. I didn't. No, really. Shut up.

Anyway, turns out those orgasms were on a two-way street. As you would expect, when doctors used a TENs stimulator on her left foot, she ah ... ah .... ah .... enjoyed suffered a foot orgasm that traveled up to her vagina. Conversely, when they stimulated her vagina on the left side, a miracle happened she had an orgasm that traveled back to her foot.

Amazeballs, right? I could apply a vibrator to the left side of my vagina until Friday and nothing like that would happen. Either there or in my foot.

The sad end to the story is that the doctors blocked the nerves in her spine and the orgasms went bye bye.

What I really want to know now is if she can orgasm at all, but the abstract for the Journal of Sexual Medicine article didn't say. I think even I would rather have random foot-to-vagina orgasms than none at all, and the whole foot thing has made me squeamish the entire time it took me to write this.

Also, just think how much easier it is to find a woman's left foot than it is her clitoris. Can you imagine those times when he just can't or won't focus on the spot?

"There .... no, there. Not there .... there ..... to the left .... not that far .... lower .... Oh, for the love of god, just rub my left foot!

I think there might be a market.


*Photo credit: specialneedstoys.com. I can't make this shit up.

You want to catch fish with your what?

Remember back around the first of the month when I was writing about poisonous vaginas? If I may quote myself: "It's not that vaginas aren't sometimes used for purposes other than a baby exit or a tampon port or a wiener hugger. Vaginas have been used for smuggling drugs, spices, or small animals into the country for centuries. One woman who was recently in the news was carrying a small handgun in her vagina.

Women have soaked tampons in vodka and gotten drunk. They've .... I don't know. I'm not very creative when it comes to alt uses for the vagina; I'm sure there are more if I wanted to think that hard about it."

Apparently I should have thought harder.

Shortly after I wrote about the poison vagina, I walked into karaoke on a typical Wednesday night. The Professor (minus Mary Ann) was waiting for me with a newspaper. In the newspaper was this blurb about an upcoming new Discovery Channel series titled "Naked and Afraid."

(Dayton City Paper: May 21-27, 2013)

Silly me! I wouldn't even consider using my lady bits -- the outer labia of my lady bits to be precise -- as fish bait. I thought skinny dipping was just skinny dipping, but evidently a woman can enjoy a sexy swim and catch dinner at the same time.

You'd think since a man was also available for dangling, he'd use his worm to catch the fish, wouldn't you? I mean, what gentleman wouldn't offer up his pole for fishing? Size alone would seem to dictate that he would be the more successful dangler of the genital fish bait. Then again, I haven't seen either of their dangly bits, so I can't properly judge who has the longer and tastier aquatic attraction. It's possible they both slapped them on the table and she ..... won?

I can imagine this conversation:

Him: "It's your turn to fix dinner tonight, honey. What are we having?"

Her: "Oh, I don't know. How about some nice fresh trout?"

Him: (hopeful) "Are you  feeling frisky or are you going fishing?"

It pains me, but I suppose now I must concede the point about the smell of various vaginas, and admit that at least one woman's vagina probably does smell very much like nice fresh trout.

Well played, Professor. Well played.

The show premiers this Sunday, June 23. I will definitely have to watch this one. Maybe I'll ask The Professor to join me.