Day 28: Throwback Thursday: What Febreze Scent Is Your Vagina

Happy Thanksgiving! Are you stuffed? Because I am stuffed. And tired. The past few days I did a lot of cleaning and a lot of cooking and right before my favorite holiday I got a nasty shock that I'll have to deal with whether I want to or not. If you're the praying type, our little family could use some intervention of the supernatural type. No floods or anything like that, please. If you're a ninja Amazon warrior, hit me back channel and let's make a plan. This Mama Bear never hibernates, although I do need some sleep tonight.

So anyway, it's been a long week and I'm so glad it's over .... Wait? What? It's not over yet? Damn it. That's a very good reason for me to share a post from six years ago that I still find entertaining instead of staying up another 2-3 hours writing, editing, nodding off and banging my head on the keyboard. I've already talked about vaginas and Febreze this month. This post ties them together in a neat fragrant package.


From March 6, 2013

Recently I've started holding what I call writer's bootcamps at my house. I open my house to a group of women writers, take their cell phones, and shame encourage them to put their asses in a chair and write for 4 hours with 5 minute breaks every hour. We take a long break for lunch, and then wrap up with a sharing session.

Sounds so simple, but it's rather powerful. Some amazing work comes out of these bootcamps.

At last week's bootcamp .... for reasons I simply don't understand .... the topic of vaginas came up. I offer you a synopsis.

KS: Vaginas do not smell like fish. Vaginas don't even smell like nice, fresh trout. (This will make no sense if you haven't read the nice, fresh trout post.)
Reticula: Hey, that's what I said, but he was adamant. The guy seemed to know his vagina.
KS: No way. As the lone lesbian in the room, and the person with by far the most experience with vaginas, I'm telling you no vagina smells like fish.
Reticula: My vagina smells like rain. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
KK: OK, then mine smells like mountain air.
KS: Sounds like a Febreze scent. Hey, if your vagina was a Febreze scent, what would it be?
R: Mine would be mango .... no, chili .... no, mango. My vagina smells like mango Febreze.
Reticula: I'm sticking with rain. I'm not kidding: my vagina smells like rain.
Anonymous: How about double rainbow? Maybe your vagina smells like double rainbow Febreze.
Reticula: No, I'm sticking with rain. Nobody gets to say what somebody else's vagina smells like....especially if he's going to say fish.
KK: If we're thinking of Febreze scents, then I'm going to change mine. My vagina Febreze scent is sunshine, not mountain air. My vagina smells like sunshine.
M: Mine is ....  fresh man walking out of a shower.
Everybody: That's the best Febreze scent ever!
KK: OK, I'm changing mine again. This time I'm sure. My Febreze vagina scent is honey cream hops.
Reticula: Mmmm. That sounds like a favorite beverage. Maybe next time we should say what our vagina's favorite beverage should be. (Wait for it...)
KS: My vagina Febreze scent is new car.
Everybody: New car!!!  Does your vagina really smell like new car?

KS: I'm telling you, my vagina smells like new car. I'm the only lesbian here, so I'm the expert on what vaginas smell like. New car. 

Epilogue:

KS: OMG. New car Febreze smells like old lady.
Reticula: What does that mean? Did you buy some?
KS: Yes. And I mean it stinks. I want to change my Febreze vagina scent.
Reticula: Too late. You already chose. Your vagina smells like new car.
KS: But new car Febreze smells like old lady toilet.
Reticula: Do mean the toilette that's watered-down perfume or the toilet your cat drinks out of?
KS: Is there a difference?
Reticula: I dunno. It's your vagina.


If your vagina smelled like a Febreze scent, what would it be?

You want to catch fish with your what?

Remember back around the first of the month when I was writing about poisonous vaginas? If I may quote myself: "It's not that vaginas aren't sometimes used for purposes other than a baby exit or a tampon port or a wiener hugger. Vaginas have been used for smuggling drugs, spices, or small animals into the country for centuries. One woman who was recently in the news was carrying a small handgun in her vagina.

Women have soaked tampons in vodka and gotten drunk. They've .... I don't know. I'm not very creative when it comes to alt uses for the vagina; I'm sure there are more if I wanted to think that hard about it."

Apparently I should have thought harder.

Shortly after I wrote about the poison vagina, I walked into karaoke on a typical Wednesday night. The Professor (minus Mary Ann) was waiting for me with a newspaper. In the newspaper was this blurb about an upcoming new Discovery Channel series titled "Naked and Afraid."

(Dayton City Paper: May 21-27, 2013)

Silly me! I wouldn't even consider using my lady bits -- the outer labia of my lady bits to be precise -- as fish bait. I thought skinny dipping was just skinny dipping, but evidently a woman can enjoy a sexy swim and catch dinner at the same time.

You'd think since a man was also available for dangling, he'd use his worm to catch the fish, wouldn't you? I mean, what gentleman wouldn't offer up his pole for fishing? Size alone would seem to dictate that he would be the more successful dangler of the genital fish bait. Then again, I haven't seen either of their dangly bits, so I can't properly judge who has the longer and tastier aquatic attraction. It's possible they both slapped them on the table and she ..... won?

I can imagine this conversation:

Him: "It's your turn to fix dinner tonight, honey. What are we having?"

Her: "Oh, I don't know. How about some nice fresh trout?"

Him: (hopeful) "Are you  feeling frisky or are you going fishing?"

It pains me, but I suppose now I must concede the point about the smell of various vaginas, and admit that at least one woman's vagina probably does smell very much like nice fresh trout.

Well played, Professor. Well played.

The show premiers this Sunday, June 23. I will definitely have to watch this one. Maybe I'll ask The Professor to join me.