The joy of plugs: Day 13

Princess

If you've been reading here long, or even if you're reading here now, you may have noticed something is missing from my blog that you often see on other blogs. Any guesses what that is? If you answered ads .... ding! ding! ding! No ads. Which means I derive no income from this here blog, which is why I don't write here as often as I should because I'm out there working for dollars. Here all I get is adoration. 

Not that I'm opposed to earning income from this blog. I'll take money from pretty much anybody for pretty much anything. I'm not saying I'm a whore, but draw your own conclusions. (I'm not a whore.) To be honest, I don't run ads or earn income here for pretty much the same reason I'm not a prostitute: nobody has ever offered. Until now.

Some time before my life ran off the tracks I received an email from Jessica who works for a startup in Portland, Oregon, where all the cool kids live, and she wanted to pay me $20 to mention her product on this little blog. Exciting, huh? Finally I'm getting some recognition from corporate America! Any guesses what she wanted me to mention? Anybody?

Well, I won't leave you hanging, because I wasn't sure at first myself. And it says something about my sex life that I didn't really know from looking at the name of the company: Plugjoy. I had to Google it.

Oh. Um.

Butt plugs.

OK. Uh huh. Somebody wants me to plug butt plugs. (I stole that.) I always thought my first ad would have something to do with vaginas. Or wine. Or both. I never considered butt plugs. But OK ...

I'm cool with that. I mean I've never used  ... worn? ... inserted? ... or even held a butt plug before, but see above. Nobody's ever asked me to, and furthermore, they don't sell them at Kroger or Goodwill, my two hometown-shopping besties. Don't judge. I'm not nearly as cool as everybody nobody thinks I am.

I wondered what my readers would think about suddenly seeing an ad for butt plugs on my blog, so I asked on my Reticulated Writer Facebook page*. The responses were 100% positive, and the reasons were reasonable. 1. Anybody who would be shocked by butt plugs has probably already run screaming from the building. 2. I have no other advertisers to piss off. 3. It's an opportunity to educate myself my public about butt plugs. And honestly, no plug tongue in cheek at all, I'm all for educating people about safe and fun sex toys. People who aren't educated can end up in the emergency room.

Several people at church cornered me engaged me in a conversation about the possibility of butt plug plugging. Two of them, women in their 60's, said they had to look them up, because they'd never heard of them. And that they had no idea people used such devices, but it seemed like good, clean fun. I looked around to see who was listening every time one of us said "butt plug" and we all broke into laughter. The general consensus at church was that I should take the money and write about butt plugs.

Before I committed though, I decided I'd ask our resident expert, my daughter Elvira. The conversation went something like this.

Me: What can you tell me about butt plugs. I might write a blog post about them and even get paid.
Elvira: One thing I can tell you is this: If you're going to buy rhinestones, buy online, because the markup is outrageous in the retail stores.
Me: Obviously I'm not an expert on the plugging of the butt, but even using the word "rhinestone" in the same sentence with the words "butt" and "plug" sounds painful.
Elvira: The rhinestone is on the end. It sticks out.
Me: I don't understand the appeal. I lack anal imagination apparently.
Elvira: So your butt is a jewel. It makes your butt look cute. Here, I'll show you.
Me: (alarms go off!) OH! That's OK, sweetie. I'm not even going to try to imagine.
Elvira: Not on me! Jeez, Mommers. I'm not walking around with a rhinestone butt plug in my ass. Look. Here on Amazon. They're only $2.99 so you can get one in every color of the rainbow if you want.
Me: Oh, I see. Kind of like a gaudy wine bottle stopper, only bigger.
Elvira: Yeah, like that. One time I was drunk and I ordered eight of them on Wish. They were only 50 cents so you had to take random colors. I got red and green, so I threw them away.
Me: Ick. Those sound like the worst colors for butt plugs. That would make your butt look .... well, not pretty.
Elvira: Right? I wanted clear or pink or purple. I think I even got a yellow one.
Me: OK, I've imagined enough about you and butt plugs for the time being. Do you think I should write a sponsored post about butt plugs on my blog?
Elvira: Sure. Why not? 

OK, I thought. I'll do it. It's not like they're asking me to write a review with personal photos. And I'd make enough money to buy a box of wine. Or a good bottle of Butter chardonnay. Why not splurge?

Here's what you need to know about Plugjoy. You can buy your butt plugs online or at their brick-and-mortar store in Portland, Oregon, which looks nice, like a realtor's office or a travel agency. You will see the jeweled butt plugs Elvira fancies -- one is even pink -- on their home page. They sell a variety of plugs, like inflatable plugs, his-and-her plugs, animal tail butt plugs of various animals (like bunnies, raccoons, and foxes) and other butt toys, like beads, vibrators, and hooks. (I'm not going to ask about that last one.) And, as you might expect, you can choose from a number of sizes.

You'll find a selection of articles on their website, with topics like how to use a butt plug, how to DIY your butt plug, and how to use good hygiene. If you're interested in further information, check out some of the reviews at Oh Joy Sex Toy as well. They write cartoon reviews of sex toys that are both hilarious and informative.

There you go. I don't know if I'll actually get paid, but that's what an ad looks like here in Reticuland. By the way, none of those are affiliate links. In other words, I don't get a kickback if you buy something after you click on a link. I'm not going crazy here.

Feel free to share your experiences in the comments. As always.

* If you want to participate in scintillating conversations about butt plugs and other topics, please like my Reticulated Writer Facebook page.

Day 14: Go ahead. Hack my vagina

I don't know if this makes your blood run cold or if, like me, you simply wouldn't give a shit, but if you use a WiFi-connected, $200 dildo called the Siime Eye, someone could actually drive around your neighborhood scanning for your dildo and hack your vagina. Or your rectum, depending on where your dildo was inserted. Apparently it only took some guy who knows about this shit about five minutes to hack into one of these dildos and take over the camera so he could see, if he wanted to, some random strange woman's most intimate, hidden tunnel of love. Like this. 



And apparently among people who know about this shit, that's a big problem. One that you should consider before you start sending videos of the inside of your vag all over the place with your $200 dildo. Let's just hope the Republicans don't get wind of this.

I don't know about you, but I have no fucking idea why someone would go to all the work of driving around until he found someone's WiFi signal and then hacking into her dildo just so he could see ... that. Is that sexy? Do men crave seeing a woman's cervix? I mean, this is some Master and Johnson shit right here. Sure it's creepy if a guy wants to sneak up on that and watch it stare back at him, but it's not like spying on someone soaping up in a shower. It couldn't possibly be a turn-on for most people.

Back me up here, ladies. I wouldn't know my own cervix if I had to identify it in a lineup. I've never seen it, and I don't need to see it, and neither does anybody else. But furthermore, I have 100 problems and some hacker looking at my cervix isn't one of them.

Not that I intend to stick a camera -- did I mention this thing costs $200? --  in my vagina and give him (does anybody think a woman would do this?) the opportunity. What am I missing here with this thing? Is this supposed to be sexy? Because I suspect if you think too much about what a vagina actually looks like -- a tunnel of meat -- it's not going to arouse anyone's passions. So why would I want a vibrating camera up in my hoochie? And who would find that sexy anyway? Hey, baby, send me a dick pic and I'll send you one of my vagina. The real thing. You don't get to see my cervix until the second date though.

OK, supposedly the thing vibrates and the point of it is to observe a woman's mounting excitement and the resulting orgasm. I hate to bring Debby Downer to the orgy, but it's the rare woman who will orgasm from a vibrator inserted into her vagina. Not even with a camera on it. Not a penis either, for that matter.

Maybe I'm just too old for this shit. I'm not saying I'm not adventurous, but if someone asked me to masturbate with a vibrating camera while they watched on a laptop or a phone screen, I suspect I'd become bored very quickly. Frankly, it's an activity that can't compete with The Great British Baking Show. Paul Hollywood is exciting. Watching my cervix is not.

Let's look at Paul Hollywood. 

You feel me?

I'll bet Paul Hollywood doesn't drive around scanning for vag cameras.

Also did anybody else see "Siime Eye" and read "Slime Eye"? An unfortunate name, that. I find nothing appealing about the Siime Eye, so I guess my vagina and cervix will remain safe from slimy prying eyes. If you do like showing off your inner lady bits though, just change the password that came with your dildo camera and all will be well. So glad I could divert that disaster.

In conclusion, if you were thinking about getting me a vag cam for Christmas, please take that one off your list. I'll be posting my list for Santa soon, and this won't be on it.

Day 29: Dildos I wouldn't buy

I realized today when my son sent me an article about dildos it was time to stop writing about politics. No, not that dildo. I have no idea how a person would use that dildo, assuming it's even a dildo and not some kind of fish from deep in the ocean. People will call anything a dildo these days. For example, did you know you can get Pokémon dildos to poke yourself with?

Ooops, sorry. My mistake. Pokemoan dildos. Capitalizing on the captivating Pokémon Go game that's so popular, these hand-made dildos are sure to go fast. Pokémon Go is so ubiquitous my daughter even caught one in my van the other day. I couldn't see it, but she showed me a photo of it on my steering wheel so I have to believe it was there. It's not such a stretch to believe some poor woman is going to discover she's got one in her vagina some day.

Or she could just put one there herself.

I'm not sure if my son was trying to get me interested in Pokémon Go by telling me about these dildos or what. I'm probably the last person on the planet who is not playing , but I do have reasons. First my phone is too old. Its memory is shot. And not only that, I'm simply not interested. I have a dog, and walking him gets me out of the house. 

Not only am I not interested in the game, I also don't find these dildos very appealing, although a couple of them are almost clever. Like the grass-type Pokémoan named Bulby that has a seed tip. I mean .... a seed tip!?! That's so penile. Somebody was stoned when he came up with that one. Oh, and I have no doubt it was a he.

 And then there's the one named Squirty that's a water Pokémoan. I don't get the appeal of the little turtle shell. It kind of looks like a venereal disease, or maybe a turd, but I'm sure Pokémon fans would recognize the need for a turdle shell on the dildo named Squirty that doesn't squirt.

The one that's most disturbing, is the one named Piky, because Piky is an electric-type Pokémoan and he's .... he's ..... I said he's. See this is what happens when you start giving names to your dildos and butt plugs. They become almost human, and before you know it you've got a camera crew in your house filming a documentary about lonely misfits who fall in love with their life-size dolls. (No offense to any reader who likes to fuck life-size adult dolls as long as it's consensual.) I digress.

Look, it's probably just me. I don't play Pokémon Go, so I don't get why somebody would want a lightning bolt plugging up their rectum. I don't judge though. It's not a real lightning bolt, although I do think playing with these sex toys could invite trouble and possibly other real Pokémons into your private orifices. My van was locked and one still got in. I'll just let you imagine where that might lead.

Finally, there's a fire-type Pokémoan with a flaming tail named Charmy. Supposedly he "gives intense orgasms everywhere [he] goes."  Umm, sorry Charmy, but I don't believe that. First, that pointy tip looks like it could cause pain. Maybe even a rupture. And second, that's not the way orgasms work. Poking a flame-shaped dildo into .... well, any orifice at all does not produce an orgasm. I find that claim quite disappointing and not at all charming.

I've never understood the veins.

So there you have it, all you Pokémon fans. Number one on nerdy Christmas lists all over the world. Order early, because these babies are custom orders, and they're shipped from Australia. What will those crazy Aussies think of next? Light saber dildos?

Nevermind. They've got those too. 

Reader input

Friday night. This is one of those nights when I rolled in at almost 2:00 am and couldn't think of a damn thing to write. It's not writer's block -- just too many things going on and not enough time to cogitate. Between eating dinner at a food truck rally, listening to some friends' jazz band in the middle of a community garden, going to a divorce party, and then closing off the night with Alex listening to a metal band while The Living Dead played on the TV, I just didn't have time to think up anything clever or profound or even ridiculous.

Dessert, anyone?

I did get a couple of suggestions of the ridiculous nature though.

A reader asked if I would write about a new cookbook she stumbled across titled 
Natural Harvest: A collection of semen-based recipes.

My first thought when I saw this book was, I thought I'd seen some weird shit this week when I delved into the doll issue, but it really can get worse. I hope this is a joke.

My second thought was, Hmmm. I wonder if semen is a vegetarian food (assuming you can call it a food, which I'm only putting forth as a hypothesis at this point). Or could it even be called vegan? It's neither an ovo nor a lacto, so .... maybe?

My third thought was, Are you shitting me, Amazon? You want people to put this on a wedding registry? Reason number 859,373 I will never get married again.

And my fourth thought, as I perused the books people also bought was, I thought it couldn't get worse, but there is a semen book for bartenders called Semenology. And a Color My Boobs. And 50 Shades of Bacon! I want that one!

And then I thought, Close the fucking tab. It's really late and you're looking at a jizz cookbook. (I'm never sure if I should talk to myself in first-person or second, so I mix it up.)

The second suggestion came from Alex, who thinks as an addendum to the doll posts, I should write about how people get down on men for using pocket pussies, but it's OK for women to use vibrators.

I said I wasn't sure that was true, because I'd never heard of anybody caring one way or another if a guy used a pocket pussy. It's not even close to an entire doll that has pouty lips, a simulated vagina, and multiple interchangeable tongues. (Don't know why. Don't want to know why.) It's not creepy, so what's the problem?

He said there's a definite prejudice.

I don't think he meant a guy would be turned down for a job if he masturbates with a pocket pussy. In fact, I don't know how people would even know his dirty little secret unless he told them or used it at the dinner table or insisted on setting it next to his phone on the bar. I'm also not sure why it even matters, because I don't know any guys who want to be respected for their use of a pocket pussy .... But OK, I'll bite because I don't have a damn thing to say tonight, as I'm sure you've noticed.

(photo credit: break.com)

I agree, many people consider women's sex toys such as personal massagers and dildos to be not only acceptable (unless you're the Pope), but even sexy. Men like the idea of women using them. Many women like the practice of using them, and are open about it. Women even have sex toy parties where we drink margaritas, rub the warming gel on the tender skin of our ... ummm .... wrists, and taste the strawberry lube.

And that might be the answer to the problem. Maybe if Alex started a multi-level pocket pussy party business, he could break through the bigotry surrounding pocket pussies and other strictly male sex toys like .... Well, there's so much shame and secrecy surrounding male sex toys I'm not even sure if there are any other specifically male sex toys. Butt plugs, I would assume, are universal, and blow-up dolls are just ridiculous. Or am I showing my prejudice?

So that's my late-night solution to the pocket pussy dilemma. Men's sex toy parties featuring pocket pussies with other male sex toys on the side. And they should come in masculine colors and smell like wood smoke or locker rooms or beer or something else equally appealing to men.

Also it might help if most of them weren't so fucking ugly. I googled images because I thought I might post a photo and those things just aren't sexy. I'm sorry. They aren't. I don't want one on my blog.

Men, you need to rebrand, redesign the product, and come up with a business plan that legitimizes the silicon wiener sleeve. Do that and we'll talk again.

As I close for the night, I'd like to remind you that this is not a sex blog. Contrary to all appearances this week, this is really not a sex blog. I'm serious.