The joy of plugs: Day 13

Princess

If you've been reading here long, or even if you're reading here now, you may have noticed something is missing from my blog that you often see on other blogs. Any guesses what that is? If you answered ads .... ding! ding! ding! No ads. Which means I derive no income from this here blog, which is why I don't write here as often as I should because I'm out there working for dollars. Here all I get is adoration. 

Not that I'm opposed to earning income from this blog. I'll take money from pretty much anybody for pretty much anything. I'm not saying I'm a whore, but draw your own conclusions. (I'm not a whore.) To be honest, I don't run ads or earn income here for pretty much the same reason I'm not a prostitute: nobody has ever offered. Until now.

Some time before my life ran off the tracks I received an email from Jessica who works for a startup in Portland, Oregon, where all the cool kids live, and she wanted to pay me $20 to mention her product on this little blog. Exciting, huh? Finally I'm getting some recognition from corporate America! Any guesses what she wanted me to mention? Anybody?

Well, I won't leave you hanging, because I wasn't sure at first myself. And it says something about my sex life that I didn't really know from looking at the name of the company: Plugjoy. I had to Google it.

Oh. Um.

Butt plugs.

OK. Uh huh. Somebody wants me to plug butt plugs. (I stole that.) I always thought my first ad would have something to do with vaginas. Or wine. Or both. I never considered butt plugs. But OK ...

I'm cool with that. I mean I've never used  ... worn? ... inserted? ... or even held a butt plug before, but see above. Nobody's ever asked me to, and furthermore, they don't sell them at Kroger or Goodwill, my two hometown-shopping besties. Don't judge. I'm not nearly as cool as everybody nobody thinks I am.

I wondered what my readers would think about suddenly seeing an ad for butt plugs on my blog, so I asked on my Reticulated Writer Facebook page*. The responses were 100% positive, and the reasons were reasonable. 1. Anybody who would be shocked by butt plugs has probably already run screaming from the building. 2. I have no other advertisers to piss off. 3. It's an opportunity to educate myself my public about butt plugs. And honestly, no plug tongue in cheek at all, I'm all for educating people about safe and fun sex toys. People who aren't educated can end up in the emergency room.

Several people at church cornered me engaged me in a conversation about the possibility of butt plug plugging. Two of them, women in their 60's, said they had to look them up, because they'd never heard of them. And that they had no idea people used such devices, but it seemed like good, clean fun. I looked around to see who was listening every time one of us said "butt plug" and we all broke into laughter. The general consensus at church was that I should take the money and write about butt plugs.

Before I committed though, I decided I'd ask our resident expert, my daughter Elvira. The conversation went something like this.

Me: What can you tell me about butt plugs. I might write a blog post about them and even get paid.
Elvira: One thing I can tell you is this: If you're going to buy rhinestones, buy online, because the markup is outrageous in the retail stores.
Me: Obviously I'm not an expert on the plugging of the butt, but even using the word "rhinestone" in the same sentence with the words "butt" and "plug" sounds painful.
Elvira: The rhinestone is on the end. It sticks out.
Me: I don't understand the appeal. I lack anal imagination apparently.
Elvira: So your butt is a jewel. It makes your butt look cute. Here, I'll show you.
Me: (alarms go off!) OH! That's OK, sweetie. I'm not even going to try to imagine.
Elvira: Not on me! Jeez, Mommers. I'm not walking around with a rhinestone butt plug in my ass. Look. Here on Amazon. They're only $2.99 so you can get one in every color of the rainbow if you want.
Me: Oh, I see. Kind of like a gaudy wine bottle stopper, only bigger.
Elvira: Yeah, like that. One time I was drunk and I ordered eight of them on Wish. They were only 50 cents so you had to take random colors. I got red and green, so I threw them away.
Me: Ick. Those sound like the worst colors for butt plugs. That would make your butt look .... well, not pretty.
Elvira: Right? I wanted clear or pink or purple. I think I even got a yellow one.
Me: OK, I've imagined enough about you and butt plugs for the time being. Do you think I should write a sponsored post about butt plugs on my blog?
Elvira: Sure. Why not? 

OK, I thought. I'll do it. It's not like they're asking me to write a review with personal photos. And I'd make enough money to buy a box of wine. Or a good bottle of Butter chardonnay. Why not splurge?

Here's what you need to know about Plugjoy. You can buy your butt plugs online or at their brick-and-mortar store in Portland, Oregon, which looks nice, like a realtor's office or a travel agency. You will see the jeweled butt plugs Elvira fancies -- one is even pink -- on their home page. They sell a variety of plugs, like inflatable plugs, his-and-her plugs, animal tail butt plugs of various animals (like bunnies, raccoons, and foxes) and other butt toys, like beads, vibrators, and hooks. (I'm not going to ask about that last one.) And, as you might expect, you can choose from a number of sizes.

You'll find a selection of articles on their website, with topics like how to use a butt plug, how to DIY your butt plug, and how to use good hygiene. If you're interested in further information, check out some of the reviews at Oh Joy Sex Toy as well. They write cartoon reviews of sex toys that are both hilarious and informative.

There you go. I don't know if I'll actually get paid, but that's what an ad looks like here in Reticuland. By the way, none of those are affiliate links. In other words, I don't get a kickback if you buy something after you click on a link. I'm not going crazy here.

Feel free to share your experiences in the comments. As always.

* If you want to participate in scintillating conversations about butt plugs and other topics, please like my Reticulated Writer Facebook page.