Friday, June 7, 2013

Reader input

Friday night. This is one of those nights when I rolled in at almost 2:00 am and couldn't think of a damn thing to write. It's not writer's block -- just too many things going on and not enough time to cogitate. Between eating dinner at a food truck rally, listening to some friends' jazz band in the middle of a community garden, going to a divorce party, and then closing off the night with Alex listening to a metal band while The Living Dead played on the TV, I just didn't have time to think up anything clever or profound or even ridiculous.

Dessert, anyone?
I did get a couple of suggestions of the ridiculous nature though.

A reader asked if I would write about a new cookbook she stumbled across titled 
Natural Harvest: A collection of semen-based recipes.

My first thought when I saw this book was, I thought I'd seen some weird shit this week when I delved into the doll issue, but it really can get worse. I hope this is a joke.

My second thought was, Hmmm. I wonder if semen is a vegetarian food (assuming you can call it a food, which I'm only putting forth as a hypothesis at this point). Or could it even be called vegan? It's neither an ovo nor a lacto, so .... maybe?

My third thought was, Are you shitting me, Amazon? You want people to put this on a wedding registry? Reason number 859,373 I will never get married again.

And my fourth thought, as I perused the books people also bought was, I thought it couldn't get worse, but there is a semen book for bartenders called Semenology. And a Color My Boobs. And 50 Shades of Bacon! I want that one!

And then I thought, Close the fucking tab. It's really late and you're looking at a jizz cookbook. (I'm never sure if I should talk to myself in first-person or second, so I mix it up.)

The second suggestion came from Alex, who thinks as an addendum to the doll posts, I should write about how people get down on men for using pocket pussies, but it's OK for women to use vibrators.

I said I wasn't sure that was true, because I'd never heard of anybody caring one way or another if a guy used a pocket pussy. It's not even close to an entire doll that has pouty lips, a simulated vagina, and multiple interchangeable tongues. (Don't know why. Don't want to know why.) It's not creepy, so what's the problem?

He said there's a definite prejudice.

I don't think he meant a guy would be turned down for a job if he masturbates with a pocket pussy. In fact, I don't know how people would even know his dirty little secret unless he told them or used it at the dinner table or insisted on setting it next to his phone on the bar. I'm also not sure why it even matters, because I don't know any guys who want to be respected for their use of a pocket pussy .... But OK, I'll bite because I don't have a damn thing to say tonight, as I'm sure you've noticed.

(photo credit:
I agree, many people consider women's sex toys such as personal massagers and dildos to be not only acceptable (unless you're the Pope), but even sexy. Men like the idea of women using them. Many women like the practice of using them, and are open about it. Women even have sex toy parties where we drink margaritas, rub the warming gel on the tender skin of our ... ummm .... wrists, and taste the strawberry lube.

And that might be the answer to the problem. Maybe if Alex started a multi-level pocket pussy party business, he could break through the bigotry surrounding pocket pussies and other strictly male sex toys like .... Well, there's so much shame and secrecy surrounding male sex toys I'm not even sure if there are any other specifically male sex toys. Butt plugs, I would assume, are universal, and blow-up dolls are just ridiculous. Or am I showing my prejudice?

So that's my late-night solution to the pocket pussy dilemma. Men's sex toy parties featuring pocket pussies with other male sex toys on the side. And they should come in masculine colors and smell like wood smoke or locker rooms or beer or something else equally appealing to men.

Also it might help if most of them weren't so fucking ugly. I googled images because I thought I might post a photo and those things just aren't sexy. I'm sorry. They aren't. I don't want one on my blog.

Men, you need to rebrand, redesign the product, and come up with a business plan that legitimizes the silicon wiener sleeve. Do that and we'll talk again.

As I close for the night, I'd like to remind you that this is not a sex blog. Contrary to all appearances this week, this is really not a sex blog. I'm serious.

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