Pink is the new .... pink

What time is it, kids? It's vagina time!

Obviously I've been neglecting the vagina posts this month, and for that I apologize. Several readers have sent me articles and photos (mmm hmmm) to get my juices flowing.

One reader sent me an article about labia bleaching, which I wrote about last year. The idea still gives me a slight burning sensation between my legs, and not in a good way.

What's funny though is that the reader said he "Just wanted to make sure this one didn't fly under [my] VAGAR (i.e. vagina radar ....)." Why the hell didn't I think of that? VAGAR! I love it!

(He also said he's trademarking that acronym and will charge me a quarter every time I use it. It was worth 50 cents to write it twice.)

Chicken Grrrl sent me an article about a new vaginal colorant called My New Pink Button.

(photo credit: the website)

Apparently while Indian women are bleaching their lady bits to make them whiter, other women are worried that theirs are too pale, so they're dying them pinker. In fact, ladies, we can choose from 4 different shades of pink that range from light pink to baboon-ass red. (Although rest assured, this dye has never been tested on animals. Whew. The idea that poor little white mice might be running around with pink vag ..... oh ... nevermind.)

At first I was skeptical and suspected this was a joke, but then I was reassured to learn it was created by a "certified Paramedical Esthetician." I assume she graduated from a rigorous academic program, something like becoming a doctor or a lawyer or a manicurist.

I was tempted determined to buy it, test it, and post before-and-after photos here. It looks pretty easy to use: Just mix the dye powder with water in a rocks glass and dab it on with a big cotton swab. Even though I was never allowed to wear red, purple or pink when I was growing up -- because redheads simply weren't allowed those colors -- I was still willing to try it for my art and for science and for you, dear readers.

But then I noticed they've apparently sold out of every single shade, including the one for gingers. Wow! That's some popular stuff!

Next I tried to find it on Amazon, but all I found was My Pink Wink anal bleach cream. Cute name. Nothing else about that appeals to me. The idea makes me pucker.

So I'm sorry to disappoint, but I'm not gonna drink the Flavor-Aid when it comes to changing the color of either my "button" or my "wink." They're just going to have to stay .... well, whatever the hell color they are naturally. Who the fuck looks? Whatever color I am down there, I'm sure somebody would say it's too light and somebody else would say it's too dark and most men would just say, "Huh?"


*Disclaimer: If you're a woman who suffers from vaginal fading, please don't take offense. Just rub some cherry Kool-Aid powder down there and feel good about yourself, OK?

Bleach my what?

Am I the last one to hear about vagina bleaching? Tell me you haven't all heard of this. Vagina bleaching? Seriously? Vagina bleaching? Why would a woman bleach her vagina? To make it easier to see in the dark?

OK, I don't know about you, ladies, but before I go out I shave my armpits and legs and do some trimming -- you know, just in case I ..... ummmm -- run into Cookie Monster out there. But I have never even considered bleaching my vagina. I didn't even know it was an option.

And yet, vagina bleaching has a .org website. As I tell my students, the .org extension gives a website more credibility. So if you're interested in the most credible vagina bleaching site, go to vaginalbleaching.org*. What the fuckety fuck?

Don't believe me? I don't want to either. Watch this commercial though. Read the sales pitch under the video. Vagina bleaching will make your man want your lady parts. Because men don't want vaginas that aren't pale and ... pale.

Guess what, girls? Men aren't the ones who are doing this to us. If we're buying into this shit, we're doing it to ourselves. I've talked with a lot of men about sex -- it's my superpower -- and never once has a man said to me, "I like her, but I don't want to fuck her because she doesn't bleach her vagina." I have never been at karaoke and heard someone say, "Oh, man. Did you see her? I wonder if she bleaches her vagina." I've never heard a man say, "I broke up with her because her vagina was too dark."

Can you imagine a profile on Match.com? "I'm 6' 5" tall and weigh 210 pounds. I have all my hair and ride a Harley. My friends say I'm good looking and have a great sense of humor. Looking for a slender woman (don't hate me) who loves going to NASCAR and flea markets. Must be honest, romantic, and willing to bleach her vagina regularly."

It won't happen. Men don't care about pale vaginas. Ask one.

No, besides the marketing aspect of this ridiculous practice, this is something women are doing to themselves. It's not enough with the tanning and the eating disorders and the puffy lips. It's not enough that so many women shave so they look like little girls or Barbies down there (and I won't even get started on red bumps!). This is just one more on a long list of volunteer deformities to go along with 40-pound breast implants, labia amputation, and ... well, now vagina bleaching.

I'm disgusted. If you're a woman who bleaches her vagina, please tell me why the hell you would put a chemical like that on your sensitive, cookie-loving vagina just so it would look lighter. And then find a therapist. In fact, find two. One won't be enough.

My granddaughter is sleeping next to me as I write this. She is absolute perfection at nine months old. I want to run away with her to a desert island when I see women doing things like this to themselves. I don't want her to ever feel inadequate because of the color of her vagina. Can you imagine? Unfortunately, now I can.

When is this shit going to stop?

* Note: This website also looks like it was written by one of my students. That would be one of the ones who will be taking my class again next semester.