Bleach my what?

Am I the last one to hear about vagina bleaching? Tell me you haven't all heard of this. Vagina bleaching? Seriously? Vagina bleaching? Why would a woman bleach her vagina? To make it easier to see in the dark?

OK, I don't know about you, ladies, but before I go out I shave my armpits and legs and do some trimming -- you know, just in case I ..... ummmm -- run into Cookie Monster out there. But I have never even considered bleaching my vagina. I didn't even know it was an option.

And yet, vagina bleaching has a .org website. As I tell my students, the .org extension gives a website more credibility. So if you're interested in the most credible vagina bleaching site, go to vaginalbleaching.org*. What the fuckety fuck?

Don't believe me? I don't want to either. Watch this commercial though. Read the sales pitch under the video. Vagina bleaching will make your man want your lady parts. Because men don't want vaginas that aren't pale and ... pale.

Guess what, girls? Men aren't the ones who are doing this to us. If we're buying into this shit, we're doing it to ourselves. I've talked with a lot of men about sex -- it's my superpower -- and never once has a man said to me, "I like her, but I don't want to fuck her because she doesn't bleach her vagina." I have never been at karaoke and heard someone say, "Oh, man. Did you see her? I wonder if she bleaches her vagina." I've never heard a man say, "I broke up with her because her vagina was too dark."

Can you imagine a profile on Match.com? "I'm 6' 5" tall and weigh 210 pounds. I have all my hair and ride a Harley. My friends say I'm good looking and have a great sense of humor. Looking for a slender woman (don't hate me) who loves going to NASCAR and flea markets. Must be honest, romantic, and willing to bleach her vagina regularly."

It won't happen. Men don't care about pale vaginas. Ask one.

No, besides the marketing aspect of this ridiculous practice, this is something women are doing to themselves. It's not enough with the tanning and the eating disorders and the puffy lips. It's not enough that so many women shave so they look like little girls or Barbies down there (and I won't even get started on red bumps!). This is just one more on a long list of volunteer deformities to go along with 40-pound breast implants, labia amputation, and ... well, now vagina bleaching.

I'm disgusted. If you're a woman who bleaches her vagina, please tell me why the hell you would put a chemical like that on your sensitive, cookie-loving vagina just so it would look lighter. And then find a therapist. In fact, find two. One won't be enough.

My granddaughter is sleeping next to me as I write this. She is absolute perfection at nine months old. I want to run away with her to a desert island when I see women doing things like this to themselves. I don't want her to ever feel inadequate because of the color of her vagina. Can you imagine? Unfortunately, now I can.

When is this shit going to stop?

* Note: This website also looks like it was written by one of my students. That would be one of the ones who will be taking my class again next semester.