Friday, November 30, 2012

November 30: Park it, sister

Conversation with my daughter Elvira:

Elvira: I walked for over an hour today. We were out so long I had to stop at Dollar General and get Coraline a snack.

Me:  I hate Dollar General. They build all those stores in the poorer areas of the city and then they charge $6 for a gallon of orange juice. Fucking pirates.

Elvira: Yeah, and I almost got kicked out too. For having my stroller in there.

Me: What? Why do they care about your stroller?

Elvira: Because I might steal something.

Me: Because you have a stroller? Are mothers of infants and toddlers more likely to steal?

Elvira: I dunno. Some employee told me I'd have to leave it up at the front. So I grabbed something for Coraline and left.

Me: That's bullshit. I took my bike in the Dollar General near me one day and an employee told me I couldn't have it in the store and I'd have to park it just inside the front door. I told her I wasn't going to leave my bike by the front door where somebody could steal it. She said the cashier would watch it. I said unless the cashier could afford to replace it, I was keeping it with me. And I did.

Elvira: Ummm, Mommers, I'm pretty sure most stores don't want you to take your bike in.

Me: Why? It's not bigger than a cart.

Elvira: Good point.

Me: I told the employee there was no rule about walking a bicycle in a store, I wasn't bothering anybody, and I'd take my bike out when I was finished shopping. She didn't know what to say so she walked away. I hope you didn't put your stroller at the front.

Elvira:   No, I argued with her.

Me: That's my girl.

Elvira: I asked her why the stroller was a problem. She said she didn't know what I might do with it.

Me: Like you might race it up and down the aisles? Or you might be carrying a bomb strapped to a baby?
Elvira: No, she said it had too many hiding places.

Me: So do your clothes. Did she ask you to strip down and leave your pockets at the door?

Elvira: Yeah, right? And my bra? I can stick a lot of stuff in my bra. I should have asked her if she wanted me to take off my bra too.

Me: There are other places you could hide stuff too.

Elvira: Yeah, like my asshole. Maybe I should have asked her if she wanted my asshole too.

Me: Or your vagina. I've known some women whose vaginas were like clown cars. They could fit all kinds of stuff up inside.

Elvira: And she was worried about my fucking stroller.

Me:Next time you go in just say in a loud voice, "I'm leaving my stroller right here by the front door, along with my clothes and my asshole. And you'd better watch my vagina too, bitches, or there won't be anything left in this store when I walk out."


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