I'll Take Mine without Hair

I'm trying to win a $500 Silk'n SensEpil home hair removal system by telling my best hair removal story in the comments of a blogger who actually makes money on her blog. I promised I'd write about it here if I won.  Here's the story I posted. I have a better one, but it's probably TMI even for me. I don't think I've ever written about shaving balls here. Send me luck!

I wish I had back the hours I’ve spent trying to remove hair from below my waist. I hate shaving my legs. The nicks last longer than the shave, blades are expensive, and I feel like a contortionist trying to reach all over my lower half in the shower without washing off the foam before I get a chance to razor it away. A shave with an electric razor lasts about as long as it takes butter a piece of toast. I hate depilatories because they smell awful, take forever and make such a mess. I haven’t tried waxing for so many reasons I won’t bore you with them, I can’t afford lasers, and tweezing isn’t an option.

Don’t even get me started on trying to tame the bikini jungle. Anything I do there leaves painful, itchy red bumps that look worse than the big red bush that grows down there naturally. But as a single middle-aged woman who wants to get laid every once in a while (and that’s always another story, isn’t it?), I shave as close as I can with a little electric razor and practice my “so why do you want to fuck a Barbie?” look in the mirror.

I’ve had the shaving dilemma for decades. Yes, decades. I remember I was so excited all those years ago when the Epilady came out. I really thought it was the answer to my prayers. I wanted one so bad, but it cost about $70 and that was a lot of money. I drooled over them for two years before my husband finally bought me one for my birthday. I could hardly wait the whole week it took to grow out my leg hair 1/4 inch so the coils would have something to grab onto. I dreamed of smooth, hairless legs and a tidy, bumpfree bikini line. My Epilady was my new best friend.

Ready for the Epilady

I took it into the bathroom for some privacy and read the instructions. Seemed simple enough. Hold it next to my leg and the rotating coils would pull the hairs out. After a few times, they wouldn’t grow back, having finally recognized how unwelcome they were. The instructions warned there might be some mild discomfort. Big fucking deal. Couldn’t be any worse than razor nicks or the burning chemicals in Nair. I turned on the Epilady and held it near the side of my calf.

And oh my fucking god it grabbed onto my hairs and chewed them out of my flesh like an Epibackhoe. A little discomfort? I could have taken a weed whacker to my leg and that would have been a little uncomfortable. This felt like a million tiny razor blades whapping against my skin. And the goddamn thing wouldn’t let go. Once my grown-out hairs started wrapping around those coils, it just kept winding them in and tearing them out. Finally I turned it off and threw it across the room. The side of my leg was dotted with blood where about half of the hairs had been ripped out. All that and it didn’t even get all of the hair!

I ran downstairs crying, “That fucker hurts like hell and it made me bleed! What if I’d used it on my coochie first instead of just my leg? I’m bleeding! Look at my leg!”

My husband—who is now my ex and no wonder—said, “What did you expect? It’s rotating coils that pull your hairs out by the hundreds. Of course it hurts.”

“The directions said ‘mild discomfort.’ Look at this blood! Does this look like mild discomfort? Here. Let’s try it on your legs. Give me your leg.”

He declined. I insisted. He declined. I insisted. He offered to get “my” money back if I’d shut up. And he actually did get the money back. He contacted the company and they refunded his money and didn’t even ask for the Epilady back. I threw the fucker away.

Since then, I’ve had no hope for an easy way to get rid of the hair below my waist. I’d almost given up ......