Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Location, Location, Location

Graphic snagged from

A responsive reader sent me this article* titled "Scientists finally locate clitoris." I got pretty excited about that, although I had to wonder about the missing article (other kind of article) in the title. Did scientists find "the" clitoris ... maybe the mother of all clits and shouldn't that be captialized? Or did they find "a" clitoris .... just a random, lost clit that could belong to anybody, even Cindy maybe? Hard to tell from the title, and the piece is thin on information. For such exciting breaking news, I needed more information.

So like any good researcher, I followed the trail to a badly titled article, "Sex on the brain: what turns women on, mapped out." This article offered more content, but no critical analysis of the study--like asking if we should trust the people who did this study. I forged on. Next I located the abstract for the original study "Women's Clitoris, Vagina, and Cervix Mapped on the Sensory Cortex: fMRI Evidence."** And finally I found some criticism of the study at The Neurocritic's blog, and then found out the study's main author has written some....I'll just say interesting study results through the years, documented by Dr. Petra Boynton on her blog.  .....  sigh ...

Fucking research. It's like the telephone game, only backwards in this case. I just wanted to write about the discovery of the clitoris, per the title of the original article. Turns out the article's author didn't give an entirely accurate or complete description of the study. What's an honest writer to do?

I decided to say fuck the research. I'm going to write about the discovery of the clitoris anyway. Just imagine if you will that the title of the original article is actually true. Let's imagine scientists did just discover the/a clitoris. Here's what I have to say about that.

It's about fucking time. Granted, many of us--both male and female--know quite a bit about the little doorknob to the big O.  And then there are still some men  people who don't have a clue where it is or how to operate it. What's exciting about scientists discovering the clit though is that now so many more men people will be made aware of its existence, so they too can enjoy the pleasure of inciting the O.

The way I see it, this discovery is kind of like the discovery of reservatrol. People have known wine was healthy for centuries, millennia even. Jesus thought wine was so healthy he turned good old well water into wine. Pretty smart guy, Jesus. I suspected wine was healthy back in high school. The first bottle of wine I drank was Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill. I felt great after I drank that bottle of wine. And it made sense that I would. Wine has fruit in it. Fruit is good for you, and Strawberry Hill has two kinds--grapes and strawberries. It simply had to be healthy. I drink it by the box now.

And yet, not everybody drank wine; not everybody knew how healthy wine was. Until scientists came along and discovered reservatrol. And now we know. And now lots of people drink wine for the health benefits. I'm doing it as I type. I couldn't ride my bike tonight because it was raining, so I'm drinking wine to make up for missing my physical exercise. If scientists hadn't discovered the health benefits of wine....well, you can see I might not be as healthy as I am, and neither might you.

But let's get back to the clit. Now that scientists have discovered the clit*** I think a lot more men people will get on that little button and have some fun with it. And everybody will be healthier for it.

What? You don't believe in the day and age of the internet there are still men people out there who don't know how to find the pearl of the female genitalia? It's true. I swear it's true. But thank all that's holy and sexy and juicy, it's not too late. Now that scientists have validated the clit, even those who have heretofore ignored the poor little center of the sexual universe can get in on the real action with just a few simple steps.

My advice to the clitlorn? I'm going to talk straight to you. 1. Put on your big boy pants and let the clit go first. You'll be glad you did. I don't know why you haven't figured this out yet. Maybe you don't care about your partner's pleasure as much as you do your own. Selfish pigs can change though, so don't give up. Maybe you don't know where the clit is, so you bumble around down there and then give up too soon. (Hint: it's not in the vagina. Hint 2: If you're not sure, she didn't.) Or maybe you're like those people who don't believe we landed men on the moon, and you don't think it really exists. Well, now you know for sure. Scientists have proven it. So find it and take it out for a test drive. Just try it once. If you're successful, you could even get seconds.

Yum! Cookie!
2. Start asking the right questions. Women have a quandary when it concerns your sexual experience versus your great and sensitive male ego. What do we do if subtle movements and vocalizations don't lead you to the right place and keep you there? Do we bluntly say, "Hey, I didn't get my cookie. Why did you get a cookie and I didn't?" Should we hope you find the right place and then when you stop too soon say, "Hey, buddy, you're not done yet. Keep at it until you hear me scream"? Or should we just walk away and find somebody who knows how to polish the pearl?

As a single woman who was married all of her adult life, I really do want to know. And I think a lot of women would agree it would be nice if you said, "What can I do to give you a cookie? What do you dislike? What do you like? Better yet, what makes you crazy?" Ask the right damn questions and make sure you get the right answers. Because this is a real problem, and somebody has to find the solution. I'm placing my hope on the scientists, but maybe we can get a head start by communicating.

There has to be a third ..... let me see .... Points one and two assumed anybody who engages in sexual intercourse with a woman will want to find her clitoris and take her to heaven. 3. If you don't care about that, you need to stop engaging in sexual activities with women. That's the hard, blunt truth. You don't deserve that goddess in your bed. You don't even deserve to send her a text message, much less use her sacred woman-ness for your pleasure. Get yourself a pocket pussy and leave the real women to the real men.

OK, that's three. I could go on, but I won't bore you with talk of clitorises (clitori?) and orgasms and those who do and those who don't. But before I go, let's all share one big HURRAY! Scientists have discovered the clitoris. And if you haven't .... oh, please tell me you have! If you haven't, now is your chance to change your life. Get out there and give a girl her cookie. If you owe a girl a cookie, find her and give it to her now--over and over. I promise you two things: it's never too late and you'll be happy ecstatic you did.

* The teacher in me can't help but point out that the author of this first article is guilty of egregious plagiarism right in the first sentence. This writer would not pass my class. 

** I don't think you can read the original article unless you have access to Wiley Online Library or to The Journal of Sexual Medicine through another academic data base. If you're super interested in the entire study or if you have insomnia, I could probably email you the PDF.

*** Fuck me, I can't help myself. They didn't really discover the clit. They already knew where it was and so did their test subjects. What they did was map the response to stimulating the clit, vagina, and nipples in the brains of women. Until now, only men's brain/penis responses had been mapped, and the clit had been assumed to be just a tiny penis. There's more, but the gist is that women aren't exactly like men--not their clits or their nipples.


  1. I believe that this should run as an op-ed piece in every newspaper nationwide. Through either ignorance or arrogance soooo many men have missed the boat on this one.

    Through my own natural curiosity and desire to give others pleasure I discovered this amazing little spot on my own. No one had told me of the clit or its amazing powers, I simply happened upon it one day and my life changed forever. I was suddenly transformed from a mild mannered sex-craving teen into some kind of junior superhero with powers that would take me a while to truly understand and fully harness. Not that much different from when Peter Parker is bitten by that radioactive spider.

    I grew bolder in my abilities as women told me "that was the first time...!". This ability fit my personality like a glove and has served me well ever since I discovered it.

    I live behind the guise of a middle-aged man now but I still exercise that ability once or twice a week to much applause and accolade.

  2. Best superpower ever! You must have had a fortunate and willing test subject to experiment on. Sigh.

    When my then-teenage son told me he'd had sex for the first time I only asked him two questions. 1. Did you use a condom? (I had to ask even though I was confident of the answer.) and 2. Did you give her a cookie? (Paraphrased.) His response made me proud. He said, "Of course she was satisfied. Why would I want to do it otherwise?" Awwww. That's my boy.

    My daughter said much the same thing several years later: "Of course I was satisfied. Why would I do it if I weren't?" Why indeed?

    They both took a 9-month sexuality course at age 12 through our very liberal church. They learned stuff I didn't know in that class. It served them well.

  3. Found this page after following a FB post by an old girl friend. I have to say that I laughed out loud several times and was completely charmed by your complete, utter candor... which needless to say is what is missing in sexual relations between men & women. I am not a man who is affronted by bluntness, but I know many are, especially concerning love & sex. It doesn't matter who starts the talk, but it surely needs to happen for men & women to give each other what we all need.

    1. Hi, Mike. Thanks for stopping by and for giving my ego a stroke. I still haven't solved this particular communication problem -- I sense more experimentation is needed -- so I appreciate knowing there are men out there who aren't offended by a little female honesty.