Sunday, September 18, 2011

I'll Take Mine without Hair

I'm trying to win a $500 Silk'n SensEpil home hair removal system by telling my best hair removal story in the comments of a blogger who actually makes money on her blog. I promised I'd write about it here if I won.  Here's the story I posted. I have a better one, but it's probably TMI even for me. I don't think I've ever written about shaving balls here. Send me luck!

I wish I had back the hours I’ve spent trying to remove hair from below my waist. I hate shaving my legs. The nicks last longer than the shave, blades are expensive, and I feel like a contortionist trying to reach all over my lower half in the shower without washing off the foam before I get a chance to razor it away. A shave with an electric razor lasts about as long as it takes butter a piece of toast. I hate depilatories because they smell awful, take forever and make such a mess. I haven’t tried waxing for so many reasons I won’t bore you with them, I can’t afford lasers, and tweezing isn’t an option.

Don’t even get me started on trying to tame the bikini jungle. Anything I do there leaves painful, itchy red bumps that look worse than the big red bush that grows down there naturally. But as a single middle-aged woman who wants to get laid every once in a while (and that’s always another story, isn’t it?), I shave as close as I can with a little electric razor and practice my “so why do you want to fuck a Barbie?” look in the mirror.

I’ve had the shaving dilemma for decades. Yes, decades. I remember I was so excited all those years ago when the Epilady came out. I really thought it was the answer to my prayers. I wanted one so bad, but it cost about $70 and that was a lot of money. I drooled over them for two years before my husband finally bought me one for my birthday. I could hardly wait the whole week it took to grow out my leg hair 1/4 inch so the coils would have something to grab onto. I dreamed of smooth, hairless legs and a tidy, bumpfree bikini line. My Epilady was my new best friend.

Ready for the Epilady

I took it into the bathroom for some privacy and read the instructions. Seemed simple enough. Hold it next to my leg and the rotating coils would pull the hairs out. After a few times, they wouldn’t grow back, having finally recognized how unwelcome they were. The instructions warned there might be some mild discomfort. Big fucking deal. Couldn’t be any worse than razor nicks or the burning chemicals in Nair. I turned on the Epilady and held it near the side of my calf.

And oh my fucking god it grabbed onto my hairs and chewed them out of my flesh like an Epibackhoe. A little discomfort? I could have taken a weed whacker to my leg and that would have been a little uncomfortable. This felt like a million tiny razor blades whapping against my skin. And the goddamn thing wouldn’t let go. Once my grown-out hairs started wrapping around those coils, it just kept winding them in and tearing them out. Finally I turned it off and threw it across the room. The side of my leg was dotted with blood where about half of the hairs had been ripped out. All that and it didn’t even get all of the hair!

I ran downstairs crying, “That fucker hurts like hell and it made me bleed! What if I’d used it on my coochie first instead of just my leg? I’m bleeding! Look at my leg!”

My husband—who is now my ex and no wonder—said, “What did you expect? It’s rotating coils that pull your hairs out by the hundreds. Of course it hurts.”

“The directions said ‘mild discomfort.’ Look at this blood! Does this look like mild discomfort? Here. Let’s try it on your legs. Give me your leg.”

He declined. I insisted. He declined. I insisted. He offered to get “my” money back if I’d shut up. And he actually did get the money back. He contacted the company and they refunded his money and didn’t even ask for the Epilady back. I threw the fucker away.

Since then, I’ve had no hope for an easy way to get rid of the hair below my waist. I’d almost given up ......

11 comments:

  1. I've got an easy way to deal with all body hairs: do nothing. Don't accomodate men who insist you do *something*...there are plenty of other, better-adjusted males out there. I think I've shaved my legs 3 times since I was 15; armpits I do occasionally so not to freak out the beach goers, but anything in between my armpits and my legs has remained the way Nature Intended for my entire life.

    The way I see it, if some man wants to fuck a hairless pussy, he should be behind bars at the treatment facility where my husband works. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Okay, I've got to alter that leg estimate a bit. POSSIBLY once every two years,but only on months with a 5th Tuesday, in the summer. So...15 times in the past 40 years? Don't cite me on that!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh, Becks, I'd have to disagree with the plenty of other, better-adjusted men out there part of what you wrote. Hair or no hair, that's just not true in my age group. So not true.

    I didn't mean to imply any man has ever told me how I should groom my coochie. Hasn't happened. However, I should remind you that many men groom their downstairs too. It's a trend. And that there are various degrees of hair removal....ummm. Yeah. That's about all I have to say about that.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hey, if guys want to fuck Barbie Dolls, who am I to question another man's kink?... But really, he should be willing to do what it takes to be Ken...

    ReplyDelete
  5. My Barbies preferred GI Joe. Go figure.

    ReplyDelete
  6. the things you don't know by being with the same man for 110 years who, luckily, was never concerned about hair, wherever it was.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I have to agree with fuck the men who care abut hair. I know many many women who leave them selves in a natural state and they have wonderful men. Who are also hairy, for the most part.

    That said, I'm a shaver. It just feels more comfortable to me.

    Also the illustration you used is disturbing as hell, although not because the legs are hairy. Thank a lot for the nightmares, reticula! Lol!!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. OK, I'll fuck the men who care about hair. Heeeee.

    You think that illustration is bad? The Epilady is the true nightmare. I've got scars! Scars, I tell you!

    ReplyDelete
  9. As a man,I have never cared one way or the other about a womans hair unless it caused eye protection to be required. I trim my own hair nice and short not for the pleasure of anyone other than myself,I like it and it makes me feel sexier! If a woman feels sexier with hair or without hair it's all good by me as I enjoy being around women who feel sexy.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'll agree it should all be about feeling sexy.....but there's feeling sexy and there's feeling sexy because somebody finds you sexy and there's OMG, I hope he or she finds me sexy. It's complicated, sexy is.

    Men can either do it or not do it and nobody will be surprised either way, right? Personally, I like me a bear. But I really think if I gave up the razor, I'd want to give a tall hair warning before I got naughty with somebody for realz. I also suspect a significant number of men might say they didn't care, but they would, especially if I'm wearing a sexy little black dress. I've been wrong about men so many times before though, I don't think anybody should quote me as a reliable source.

    ReplyDelete