Friday, November 22, 2013

Carry the load... with your vagina

For some reason a lot of people send me photos of and information about vaginas. I don't get it, but it's a thing.

The latest is an article my son Drake -- otherwise known as Dick Fixit -- sent me about a Russian woman named Tatyana Kozhevnikovam, who holds the Guinness world record for the strongest vagina ...... ever. 

Apparently she can lift a 30-pound weight with her vagina, which is -- did I mention? -- the strongest vagina in the world.

To be honest, let's say she's got the strongest vagina of those who have been tested. Some of us -- and I'm speaking only for myself and most of the women in the world -- have never tried to hold 30 pounds of glass balls with our vaginal muscles while squatting on our tippy toes.

I know I haven't. For all I know, I could hold 30 pounds ..... or 50 pounds ..... or 100 pounds with my vagina. Hell, I might be able to hold a Cooper Mini with my vagina. That's not a promise, mind you, but more a hypothesis. While I'm imagining strong vaginas, may I suggest some of my women readers might be able to hold a Humvee. You can't know until you try, right?

If you do try, let me know how that works out, because frankly, I have better uses for my vagina. OK, my child-bearing days are miles behind me, so I can't think of one off the top of my head, but I'm sure there are better uses. Some women use their vaginas as either luggage or a medicine cabinet. Others as holsters for their pistols. And some use theirs as bait for catching fish. Or even a poison delivery system.

A small number of women use their vaginas simply for sexual intercourse. Outdated, I'm sure, but still an option.

I know you're all dying to find out how you too can either compete in the strongest vagina in the world contest or compete to fuck one of the strongest vaginas in the world. Fine. Ladies, there's a video that shows how you too can pump some pussy iron and ..... ummmm ..... please your man with your super-strong vagina?

Sorry, I can't think of one other reason for doing this, and I'll be honest, girls: your man doesn't give one shit if you can hold 30 pounds of balls with your vagina, although he's probably intrigued by the idea. And if he does really really need a woman who can bench press 30 pounds of balls with her vagina, and you want to pump up the pussy, here's the video. Watch it and you too can kick sand in the faces of women with skinny, weak vaginas.

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