Thursday, November 17, 2016

Day 17: Want better cookies? Eat a brownie

My friend Starfish posted an article on Facebook the other day about a new strain of pot called Sexxpot that made me wish, and not for the first time, that I could smoke pot. This new type of pot apparently causes women to have better orgasms. You heard it right here. Now you can add female Viagra to the impressive list of benefits Ms. Mary Jane has to offer.

I do not smoke pot, a fact which surprises a lot of people, including me, and it's not because pot is illegal here in the heartland. I don't really care about that. In fact, one of the reasons I wish I could smoke it is so I could say "Fuck you" to The Man. The reason I don't smoke is because it gives me panic attacks and paranoia. And since pot tends to slow everything down and make it last longer .... you guessed it: a panic attack while you're stoned is endlessly excruciating.

Paranoia isn't an uncommon side effect of marijuana, although in my experience it didn't happen every time. I couldn't predict when it would though, and eventually it wasn't worth taking the risk of not knowing whether I'd be giggling, shoving nacho cheese Doritos in my face, drinking Dr. Pepper and vodka, and singing along to the Beatles' "I Get High with a Little Help from My Friends" or sitting in the corner of the couch in utter silence because I wasn't sure if people were really saying what I thought they were saying and worse whether I had answered, and if so, if I'd said what I thought I said. And what if I have a heart attack and I can't talk and tell anybody, because my heart seems to be racing and I could die and then my parents would find out I smoke pot and I'd be dead and everybody would hate me for being such a buzz kill ..... It was like pot intensified whatever I was feeling, and if what I was feeling was anxiety, BAM. I was feeling anxiety on steroids. For hours. Hell, it happened even when I wasn't anxious. Like a lot of people who suffer the same side effects from weed, I'm not sure which came first.

To get back to the subject, I never do remember weed making me horny, much less giving me better orgasms. So I think I would like to try this new pot, which is made possible through a lower lever of THC. I mean, assuming someone would actually consider blazing a blunt and then having sex with a 50-something-year-old overweight redhead who has a 5-year-old sleeping upstairs and a 90-pound autistic poodle who gets excited and pees whenever someone visits. Hmm. I might have some other barriers that a hit on the old bong wouldn't eliminate.

Even so, I'm trying to imagine tying my experience with being stoned to more powerful orgasms. Because I used to sit around for hours struggling to keep up with conversations, second guessing whether someone had actually said what I thought he said, and trying to remember if I'd replied and if I'd actually said what I thought I'd said. Or if I'd just sat there like an idiot for 10 minutes, and I should reply or everybody was going to find out that I really don't handle being stoned all that well sometimes, which would make me a total loser because everybody else loves getting high so much. And .... Oh, no. Somebody's rolling another joint and I'll have to take at least one hit or they'll all think I'm a lightweight. And have we smoked 2 joints or 3, and can someone die from being too high, because maybe I'm too high and I'll never come down and I'll be stuck in this place where I can't tie my thoughts to my actions, so I don't know if I just thought I'm too high or if maybe I actually said it which will totally blow my reputation as a hard partier and did he really ask if I wanted to order a pizza because I'm starving, but I don't know if I answered him or not and shit, my mouth is so dry I probably can't even swallow one bite of pizza, but I'm too stoned to get up off this couch and get a glass of water so I guess I'll just drink some beer, which I hate. And did I ever say I wanted pizza? God, I want some pizza ......

See what I mean? Nothing about a blazing vagina there. Just paranoia and dry mouth and munchies. Not that hot. Most of the time. Sometimes I had fun. Lots of fun. Once I even played the guitar like a rock star even though I didn't really play the guitar back then. I would smoke pot every day if I could be assured one of those good highs that were all too rare. Maybe I just needed some horny dope.

So let's say I got some of this sexy weed, and I got somebody to smoke it with. I can just imagine what would go through my head while he was satisfying his munchies. I think he was on the right spot. Did I tell him where it was? Or did I only imagine I told him? What if he doesn't find the right spot because I thought I told him, but I didn't really tell him.Did I say mmmmm? I want to encourage him, but I don't want to make him think we're there yet .... Is it too late to tell him how I like it? Was he on the right spot just a second ago or was it 5 minutes ago. Five minutes! I thought this pot was supposed to hurry things up. Has he been down there 5 minutes? What if he hates being down there and now we're stoned and time is moving so .... fucking .... slow for him. Why does time have to move so slow? Does he think he's been down there for .... like .... an hour? What if he's stopped breathing? What if this stuff is so good I can't stop once I get there and I'm stuck in an orgasm for hours? OK, that's not the worst thing that could happen .... 

Sigh. It's not easy being me. Much as I'd like to try it, even if I could score some horny weed, I'll have to give it a pass and get my orgasms the good old-fashioned way. Now where's that vibrator?

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